Written By: Sam Jerry
ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE
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With the dramatic response to my last Piece de Resistance, I knew you couldn’t wait for Grandpa Dudley’s and my thoughts on the most recent doings in the Four, Six, Eight, whatever sided rings. As we sit here watching the kids frog gigging (You have to have seen it on Jerry Springer to understand), here are our thoughts. Actually they’re mostly Grandpa’s. Have you ever tried disagreeing with him? Brother Runt was a strapping 6′ 7″ 14 year old when he did; look at him now.
Since I mentioned Brother Runt (nee LSD in his younger days), let’s start with TNA.
In a “novel match, Team 3-D (Brother Bubba Ray, Brother DeVon and Brother Runt), Jay Lethal and Rhyno faced Team Canada, which included anyone Coach Scott D’Amore could find with a Canadian address. He had the RCMP, including Dudley Do-Right, Sweet Nell, her father, the Colonel, seven Lumberjacks, nine Inuits, the Majors of Bear Claw, Bear Foot, Bare Ass and Vancouver, two Kodiak Bears. The novel parts of this match were that if Team Canada lost, it would have to disband (a certain give away that they were destined for a trip to the woodshed), and the organism gaining the pin fall would get a title shot of his choice. If you missed it, you should be able to tell that Jay Lethal (Jay Lethal?) would be the anointed one. Surprise …. Jay Lethal pinned one of the Canadians and can pick which Title he wants to get beat for. Got to hand it to TNA’s new Chief of Chiefs, James J. Cornette (the ‘J’ stands for James) coming up with a new way to pick a No. 1 Contender, even though anyone who has been a fan for more than five minutes knew Jay Lethal (Jay Lethal)? would be the winner.
Next we have Rhyno, who prefers to be called “The Bore Machine.” I think he’s been watching too much Discovery Channel and seeing the war machines the ancients used. It has scrambled his brain even more than it had been. But I digress, He opened the program telling the world that The Emperor has been begging him to return to The WWE. Can you picture The Emperor begging anyone, let alone The Bore Machine? Anyway he says he told The Emperor to stick his offer up HHH’s rear portal. To emphasize his point, he cursed ECW to eternity and burned the last ECW Title Belt he held. I guess he don’t recall shit caning a Title Belt after jumping ship has been done already. Here’s a clue for The Bore Machine, “Don’t burn your only way back to make a buck behind you.” “Never say never” is a popular saying in wrestling, but pissing on The Boss on national TV isn’t the smartest thing to do. If he ever wants a job in The WWE, joining The Emperor’s “Kiss My Ass Club” may be his only way, and he may have to fall in love with it, not one simple kiss.
Oh yeah, The Man Who Is A Legend In His Own Mind, Larry Zybzsko (excuse me if I left a few z’s and k’s out), is still around, as is The Man Who Knows Everything About Every Luchadore and never met a wrestling hold he didn’t know, but is the 2nd worst announcer on the planet (after Fat Tony), The Ancient Perfesssa. TNA will never be taken seriously as long as these two paper weights, along with Jeffrey Jarrett, chasing the Championship, are cluttering up the place. They can resurrect as many over-the-hillers as they like (Stingie, Big Lazy, ‘Roid Rage’ Steiner), it wont help. They need to concentrate on their great base of young tigers (Samoa Joe, A. J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, etc.) and dump the trash.
Taking a look at The WWE next.
A message to Lost-His Edge: I’ve seen pictures of your wife and still can’t understand what you saw in that ugly shank Lita. Speaking of Edge’s wife, she must cringe each time Edge and Shank clean each others tonsils. I don’t know about you, but it seems like Edge and Ce-Naught have been feuding since they were in their mothers wombs. The WWE has to put an end to this soon, while Mrs. Edge is still young enough to make Little Edge’s.
The Taker has returned and accepted The Big Khaliflower’s challenge to a Punjab Prison Rock, Paper, Scissors Match … major surprise. Speaking of The Big Khaliflower, Grandpa and I just saw the remake of The Longest Yard. He is in the picture and plays a big, dumb as a rock prisoner. Talk about casting to character. There were other familiar faces in the movie: Stone Cold Beer Man, Goldturd and Big Lazy. If you haven’t seen in, it’s on cable this month (HBO or Showtime). Not to give anything away, but Big Lazy plays a prison guard with a mean streak. The prisoners substitute Estrogen Pills for his Steroids (wonder if he brought his own from home), with predictable results. I understand he’s available if any of you guys are desperate for a Saturday Night date.
King Booger is looking to become World Champion again. He wasted 15 minutes of SmackDown mumbling about his greatness, as Queen Charmutt and Royal Lackey Steven Regal hung on every Sucka he spouted. Other than Dirtbag Doophus Page, I can’t of anyone who I would less like to see World Champion. It wont matter because …
The Next, Next Big Thing is back and will be facing The World’s Sweatiest Man at next Sunday’s PPV. The future of SmackDown has returned to regain ‘His’ World Championship. It was a nice gesture letting Fay Ray keep it clean while he was gone, but all good things must come to an end. Things are looking up for SmackDown with the return of The Next, Next Big Thing and The Taker. We wont be stuck with PPV Main Events that belong on one of The WWE’s Saturday shows (I think they still have them).
I guess Booger winning the Title wont be all bad knowing that The Next, Next Big Thing is coming for his Belt. Queen Sharmutt best start producing some royal heirs soon because Booger may not be able to after he is stuffed into his Royal Shaft (Get your minds out of the gutter).
Lillian Garcia has two guys drooling over her: Charlie Haas and The 400 lb. Love Bucket, Large Vis. Many girls would kill to have two men interested in them, or in this case, kill the two guys interested in them. A picture of Lillian and Bucket together just flashed thru my mind. I may ask Grandma Dudley to shoot me, that or become celibate. YUCK.
Memo to all 15 yr. old males (and most other men): Enjoy Delicious Trish while you can. She is taking a leave to get married (Yeah, I know how you feel), and rumor has it that she wont be back. She is going to devote her time to her fitness endeavors. Once saw a TV program where she took people thru her home, or should I say small palace. She has an entire room with the Covers of magazines she has been on adorning the room. There was one sh*tload of them. She will be missed.
Last, and for sure least. The Dive Search is underway. The Miz (as in Mizerable) is playing MC. The jerk is about as useful as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. He screwed up just about everything he said on RAW as he worked with the bimbos. I don’t know about you but as far as I am concerned, Erica is a lock. As a public service, here is a Link where you can check them out:
I know you’d like another 6 or 7 pages of my crap, but all good things must come to an end (See Above: Trish is leaving). That’s about it from Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville for now. I am available for consultation, predictions, etc. E-mail: SamJerry@AOL.Com