We are live from Washington, DC and your announcers are Joey ‘Stephanopoulos’ Styles, Jonathan ‘Powell’ Coachman, and Jerry ‘Forget King, I want to be a Senator’ Lawler.
Edge comes to the ring with Lita and he has something to say. Edge tells Foley that time is up. It has been one week and it is time to find out if Mick will accept Edge’s challenge for Wrestlemania. He wants to know if Mick will whore himself out at an indy show or write another book that nobody will read. Edge says that Wrestlemania has to be Mick’s best option. Edge tells Lita to get the tickets out. Lita has two tickets to get to Long Island and Edge says that he can be there by midnight because he should be main eventing Wrestlemania and it is Foley’s fault that he is not in the main event. Edge tells Mick if he is not man enough, Edge and Lita will have to make a house call.
A car crashes and Mick Foley comes out and he has a mic. Mick tells Edge that he has it all wrong. Mick says that Edge is wrong that Mick is not man enough to come to (insert Mick Foley cheap pop) Washington D.C. It was Edge who lost to John Cena at the Royal Rumble and two weeks ago on Raw. Edge should blame himself because he choked. Edge says the only choking will be his throats around Mick’s throat at Wrestlemania. Foley says no. Mick says that Edge called him a transitional champion. Mick reminds Edge that he is a three time transitional champion and the greatest transitional champion of all time and he has nothing to prove. Edge tells the crowd to shut up. Edge says if he is the Rated R Superstar then Mick is Rated O for overrated. Mick will not be remembered for his three title wins. He will be remembered for three things. Having his ear ripped off; being thrown off a steel cage in Hell in a Cell; and appearing at Vince McMahon’s hospital bed with a sock puppet. Edge calls Mick pathetic. Mick has a lot to prove because he never won at Wrestlemania. Edge says that Mick has won by disqualification and count out as well as a dumpster match that nobody remembers. Mick has never had the great Wrestlemania moment that he craves. Edge tells Mick that he never lost a match at Wrestlemania. He won all types of matches and in his home town of Toronto. Edge says that he gets it. He tells Mick to tuck his tail between his legs because Mick knows that if he wrestled Edge at Wrestlemania, he would lose. Mick agrees that he would lose a wrestling match with Edge because Edge is younger, in better shape, and Edge cares more about Mick than Mick cares about Edge. Mick agrees that he never had his defining Wrestlemania match. While Mick rejects the idea of a wrestling match, he challenges Edge to a match where there are no rules, no disqualifications, and no excuses. Mick suggests a hardcore match. Lita tries to talk Edge out of it while Mick wants an answer. Mick says that he will give Edge a little help to make his decision. Mick walks to the back and then he comes out with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. Mick comes to the ring and Edge and Lita leave through the crowd.
Kane and Big Show walk in the back as we go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Val Venis and Viscera walk to the ring.
Match Number One: Kane and Big Show versus Val Venis and Viscera for the World Tag Team Titles
Venis punches Kane, but Kane does not feel the effects. Val tries for a shoulder tackle, but Kane does not go down. Val with an eye poke and then he comes off the ropes, but he is met with a big boot from Kane. Kane slams Val’s head into the turnbuckle. Kane with a punch followed by an elbow and uppercut. Kane with an Irish whip followed by a side slam. Kane with a suplex attempt, but Val flips out of it and he clips Kane’s knee and then he hits a clothesline to the back of Kane’s head, but Kane sits up. Viscera tags in and Kane punches Viscera and then he hits a running clothesline into the corner. Viscera with a Samoan Drop to Kane for a two count. Viscera punches Kane and then head butts him. Kane with a big boot to Viscera and Show is tagged in. Show with a flying shoulder tackle and then he clotheslines Val twice followed by a big boot. Show kicks Viscera and then slams Viscera. Show follows that with a leg drop, but Venis makes the save. Kane goes up top and then hits a jumping clothesline to Venis and then clotheslines him over the top rope to the floor. Kane and Show with a double choke slam for the three count. We go to commercial.
Winners: Kane and Big Show
On Unlimited, we have a WWE 24/7 This Day in History when Kurt Angle defeated Chris Jericho in 2000 at No Way Out to win the Intercontinental title.
We are back with the Slam of the Week: Shelton Benjamin winning the Intercontinental Title last week on Raw.
Todd Grisham is with Ric Flair and he wants to know how Flair feels about losing the title and whether it is the last title he will win. Last weekend, Ric Flair turned 57 and he says that there are a lot of people who thought that Flair celebrated his final title run 15 years ago. Every day, the Nature Boy gets better. The people who think Flair does not have another title run in him do not know the Nature Boy. Flair woooos.
Marty Jannetty is in the back and Shawn Michaels comes by and he tells Marty that he is sorry that he brought him into all of this and does not want Marty to kiss Vince’s ass. Marty says that he did that last week because he was helping a friend. He is helping himself now. They came there in 1987 and he has not kissed any ass. He has been fired and quit several times, but he never kissed ass. Things are different now. He is a little older and he does not have a job or a car. If not for a good friend, he wouldn’t have a place to live. He wants Shawn to stay out of this and he is desperate and needs this job.
Carlito is with Maria and she says that Carlito wants to make an announcement. Carlito says something in Spanish and Maria asks him if that is the announcement. Carlito says that he told her that her beauty is matched by her wisdom. Maria likes that comment. Carlito says that he got done talking to Vince McMahon and there will be another Money in the Bank match. There will be another Money in the Bank match. Maria wants to know who will be in the match. Carlito says that people will have to fight for this honor. There will be three qualifying match. Carlito says that he will win his match and then he will go on to Wrestlemania . . . and that is cool. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Trevor Murdoch comes to the ring. He gets a mic and he tells us that he is here to tell us a story. It is about Trevor qualifying for the Money in the Bank match. He says that he has a money face and a money look. If Washington D.C. had any respect they would stand up and cheer him because he will be the next Money in the Bank winner.
Match Number Two: Trevor Murdoch versus Rob Van Dam in a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
Trevor attacks Van Dam as he enters the ring. Van Dam kicks Murdoch, but Trevor with an eye poke. Van Dam with a series of kicks and a leg sweep to Murdoch. Murdoch punches Van Dam, but Van Dam with a drop kick to Trevor’s knee followed by a drop kick and corkscrew leg drop. Van Dam with a step over spin kick into a leg submission, but Trevor makes it to the ropes and he leaves the ring. Van Dam with a baseball slide, but then he goes up top and misses a cross body onto Murdoch. Trevor rolls Van Dam back into the ring. Murdoch with a rear chin lock followed by a crossface. Murdoch throws Van Dam down by the hair and follows that with a knee and a cover. Murdoch with a reverse chin lock to Van Dam. Van Dam comes off the ropes, but Murdoch with a clothesline to Van Dam for a two count. Murdoch returns to the reverse chin lock. Murdoch with a forearm to Van Dam, but he charges into a Van Dam boot and then into the ring post when Van Dam moves. Van Dam with a running spin kick into the corner followed by an Irish whip and monkey flip. Van Dam with a jumping spin kick to Murdoch followed by a rolling senton splash to Murdoch for a two count. Murdoch tries for a belly-to-back suplex, but Van Dam flips out of it and hits the step over spin kick and then goes up top for the Five Star Frog Splash for the three count. We go to commercial.
Winner: Rob Van Dam (advances to the Money in the Bank match)
On Unlimited, Mickie James comes to the ring and she has a mic. She says that she is sooooooooooo psyched to be here. She says that it is an honor and a privilege. Not only do they get to see Trish Stratus, but they get to see her defend the title. Not only is Trish Stratus the most dominant woman in the WWE. Not only is she the most beautiful woman in the world, she is the greatest woman in the universe.
We are back with footage from the Raw brand tour of the Philippines.
Mickie James is still in the ring and she wants everyone to give it up for the greatest women’s champion in WWE history and her friend, Trish Stratus.
Torrie Wilson comes out and says that Trish might be fine and dandy, but she wants everyone to welcome out the next Playboy cover girl and welcome the next WWE Women’s Champion, Candice Michelle.
Match Number Three: Trish Stratus (with Mickie James) versus Candice Michelle (with Torrie Wilson) for the WWE Women’s Title
Candice hits Trish with the wand while Torrie distracts the referee and then she kicks Trish and chokes her in the corner. Candice with a knee to Trish followed by a knee and another kick in the corner. Candice spins in the ring. Trish blocks a kick and takes Candice down and punches Candice. Trish with the matrix followed by a drop kick for a two count. Trish with forearms to Candice and then she chokes Candice with her boot. Candice trips Trish and chokes her on the bottom rope. Candice slams Trish’s head into the mat. Trish tries for a sunset flip, but Candice drops down and gets some help from Torrie, but the ref sees it and Trish is able to get a sunset flip for the three count.
Winner: Trish Stratus
After the match, Mickie bows down before Trish in the ring and Trish is embarrassed by all of this. Mickie then hugs Trish and Trish is more freaked out. Trish pushes Mickie away and then leaves the ring. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Torrie tries to stop Candice and tell her that she forgot her wand. Torrie wants to know if Candice is angry with her over the referee seeing her try to help Candice. Torrie brings up the unveiling of the Playboy cover next week. Candice slaps Torrie.
We are back with footage from the last WWE Unlimited segment when Torrie tried to apologize to Candice, but Candice slapped Torrie.
Jonathan Coachman is in the center of the ring to interview John Cena. Coach brings up that Triple H earned the opportunity to face John Cena at Wrestlemania. He reminds Cena that Triple H is a ten time champion and says that Hunter is the greatest champion of all time. Coach continues to talk about Triple H and Cena takes the mic from Coach. Before Cena can say anything, Hunter’s music plays and he comes to the ring.
Triple H has a mic and he tells Coach that he can take a seat because he can handle this one. Hunter wants Cena to think about what Coach told him. He says that Coach does not have to tell him how great Triple H was. Hunter wonders if Cena was going to tell everyone that he thinks that he can beat Triple H. Cena says that he has been here for four years and he knows that when he first got here, Triple H probably said that he wouldn’t last two weeks. He lasted long enough to get the main event at Wrestlemania 22 against the ‘King of Kings’ for the WWE championship. Cena says that he does not have Hunter’s resume or his respect, just like the fans here. However, going into Wrestlemania, he has one thing that Hunter does not have. That is the WWE Title. Hunter is sorry if he is not afraid of the guy whose one big move is pumping up his Reeboks. Hunter brings up the term transitional champion. He is the guy who happens to be in the right place at the right time and wins the title. Everyone knows that it is a matter of time until it goes around the waist of the man who truly deserves it. That is what a transitional champion is, and he says that is all that Cena is. Hunter says that he does not want people to think that Cena is not tough. He has taken some really tough ass kickings. He is just like Rocky Balboa in the movies because he has passion, pride, heart, and desire. Hunter says that Cena is not that good of a wrestler. However, in the movies, Rocky always finds a way to win. This isn’t the movies, it is real life. In real life, you cannot beat the bad guy. Cena says that he won $50 in an ‘I know what Triple H is going to say’ pool. Cena says that he has heard that from every single person who stepped in the ring with him. Cena wants to know what makes them any different from Hunter. Hunter says that he does not need to answer that question. He says that Cena knows what makes Hunter different from every other opponent. He says that it scares the crap out of Cena. Cena says that the facts are that he is not the company’s greatest athlete; Hunter is a ten time heavyweight champion; Hunter has beaten almost every top star in the business; that Hunter can come out without a title and say that he is the greatest alive and people would agree with him. If Hunter thinks that is going to make Cena afraid of Hunter, he has his facts wrong. There is one name on that list of superstars that Hunter has not defeated. That name is John Cena and Cena says that it is a fact.
Vince McMahon is in the McOffice and he stops both men. Vince says that they will be tag team partners prior to Wrestlemania. They will be tag team partners on Saturday Night’s Main Event. They will face the three men from Smackdown in the main event at Wrestlemania. Triple H and John Cena will face Kurt Angle, Rey Mysterio, and Randy Orton. Vince wishes both of them luck.
Cena and Hunter are stunned at the announcement as we go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Cena says that they shouldn’t wait until Wrestlemania and find out if he is worthy to be the Game’s partner. Hunter takes off his jacket and then walks out of the ring.
We are back and there are members of military from Walter Reed in the crowd.
Match Number Four: Shelton Benjamin (with Mama Benjamin) versus Chavo Guerrero in a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
Benjamin with a knee and punches to Guerrero. Benjamin with a forearm, but Chavo with a Latino uppercut. Chavo flips out of a side slam attempt, but Benjamin tosses Chavo into the air. Benjamin punches Chavo and then continues the attack on the mat. Benjamin chokes Chavo on the top rope followed by a snap mare and reverse chin lock. Benjamin with an elbow to the top of Chavo’s head. Benjamin tries to toss Chavo into the air again, but Chavo with a drop kick. Chavo with punches and a Latino uppercut to Benjamin. Chavo with a flying forearm to Benjamin followed by a clothesline and drop kick. Benjamin tries for the Exploder, but Chavo blocks it. Benjamin tries for the Stinger Splash, but Chavo moves out of the way. Chavo with a tilt-a-whirl head scissors followed by the Three Amigos suplex combination, but Benjamin blocks the third one. Benjamin throws Chavo out of the ring and Shelton’s mama gets up from her wheelchair and she tells Benjamin to finish him. Chavo punches Benjamin outside the ring while Benjamin’s mama is helped to the chair. Benjamin gets Chavo up for a suplex, but Chavo counters for a DDT. From out of nowhere, Randy Orton comes in and hits an RKO on Chavo while the referee is still helping Mama Benjamin. Orton leaves through the crowd while the referee gets back into the ring and he makes the three count. We go to commercial.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin (advances to Money in the Bank match)
On Unlimited, Maria comes out and it is time for the Kiss Cam.
We are back and it is time to talk about the Hall of Fame and they remind us that Bret Hart and Eddie Guerrero are already announced for the Hall of Fame. We find out that the newest inductee for the Hall of Fame is Gene Okerlund. We find out that Hulk Hogan will be inducting Gene Okerlund. We also find out that the induction ceremony will be broadcast on USA at 11:00 p.m.
Vince is on the phone and he talks about the previous members of the Kiss My Ass Club. Shawn Michaels enters the McOffice. Vince asks Shawn if he is here to see his good friend kiss Vince’s ass. Shawn tells Vince to leave Marty out of this. Vince says that being in the Nation’s Capital; it has given him a feeling of power. What if George Bush made Jacques Chirac kiss his ass? It would make the front page of every newspaper. That probably would not happen, but tonight, Marty Jannetty will kiss his ass. Vince tells Shawn to listen to Marty and not get involved. If Shawn gets involved, he might also be a member of the Kiss My Ass Club.
Carlito comes out and on Unlimited, he gets on the mic. He says that he feels right at home in Washington D.C. He likes to spit in people’s faces while the vice-President appears to like to shoot people in the face. Carlito says that he feels good tonight because he will win the qualifying match and then he will win the Money in the Bank ladder match at Wrestlemania. He will then do the one thing that neither Michael Jordan nor anyone in Washington can do, that is win a championship. Carlito says that is cool.
Match Number Five: Carlito versus Ric Flair in a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
Flair with a side head lock and take down for a near fall. Flair with a side head lock and then Carlito back Flair into the ropes. Carlito with a shoulder tackle, but Flair with a hip toss and a side head lock take down. Flair gets a few near falls while he has Carlito in a side head lock. Carlito rolls Flair over for a near fall. Carlito backs Flair into the corner and punches Flair followed by kicks. Carlito continues the attack in the corner with more kicks and punches and then he slaps Flair in the face. Carlito walks into a chop from Flair followed by three more. Flair with a back body drop to Carlito followed by a chop. Carlito leaves the ring when he sees Flair try for another chop. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Carlito returns to the ring. Flair with a side head lock into a hammer lock and he takes Carlito down to the mat. Flair with an arm bar, but Carlito reverses. Flair backs Carlito into the corner and he chops Carlito twice. Carlito with an Irish whip and a back body drop and then he gets a two count on Flair. Carlito with shoulders in the corner and then he chops Flair twice. Carlito continues the attack with punches in the corner and Flair does the Flair Flop. Carlito covers for a two count. Flair punches and chops Carlito and Carlito goes down. Flair with an Irish whip and then he comes off into a chop from Flair. Flair with a rolling knee drop.
Back on USA, the referee is counting Flair out of the ring. We see that during the break before they returned to USA, Carlito hit a lungblower. Carlito with a back body drop on the floor and then Carlito rolls back into the ring to break up the count. Carlito punches Flair on the floor and then he returns to the ring. Carlito suplexes Flair back into the ring from the apron for a two count. Carlito with a rear chin lock and he also has his knee in Flair’s back. Flair punches Carlito and chops him twice. Flair misses a chop and Carlito hits an enzuigiri and Flair does the Flair Flop again. Carlito gets a two count. Carlito lowers his knee pad, but he misses a knee drop when Flair moves. Flair with a number of chops to Carlito and then Ric does the Flair strut. Flair goes up top and Carlito tries to bring him down, but Flair with a thumb to the eyes. Flair comes off the top, but Carlito hits a drop kick and he gets a two count. Carlito brings the apple to the apron and he takes a bite from it. Carlito comes into the ring and Flair kicks Carlito. Flair with a rollup and his hand on the ropes for the three count.
Winner: Ric Flair (advances to Money in the Bank match)
After the match, Carlito argues with the ref while Flair woooos and goes to the back.
Vince is in the McOffice and he unzips his pants to show us what Marty will soon be kissing. Vince walks into a commercial.
On Unlimited, the Spirit Squad comes out to the ring.
We are back and the Spirit Squad are still in the ring. They do a cheer about the Kiss My Ass Club and they introduce Vince McMahon.
Vince does his stunt walk to the ring. Vince says that the Spirit Squad reminds him of the Rockers because Marty and Shawn had that same vibrancy and exuberance. Vince mentions that Shawn Michaels became a multi-time champion and one of the greats in wrestling. Then you have Marty Jannetty. Vince says that his life has become a downward daily spiral until he hit rock bottom tonight. Vince brings out the man who will be begging him for a job in a few minutes. Marty Jannetty comes to the ring.
Vince wants to know how Marty is doing. Last week, Marty looked good out here helping Shawn Michaels, but now he is not looking too good. He wants to know if Marty is thinking of backing out of this. Vince asks Marty if he needs this job and Marty says that he does. Vince asks Marty if he is flat broke and destitute, and Marty says that he needs this job. He tells Marty that he should be willing to kiss his ass. Vince says that Marty is just like everyone else in the arena or everyone around the world because everyone kisses their boss’s ass. Vince says that it is time to get things moving and he tells Marty to get on his knees. Marty does not go down on his knees so Vince tells him to get on his knees. Marty still does not go down. Marty finally gets down on one knee. Vince unbuttons his pants and pulls down his pants. Vince comments on his rear end. Now it is time for Marty to kiss Vince’s ass. Vince bends over and lowers his pants to his ankles. Marty is about to kiss it, but he gets up. Vince wants to know if Marty is refusing to kiss his ass. Marty asks for another way to do it. Vince says that there is another way for Marty to gain employment. Vince says that there is a Plan B. Vince tells Chris Masters to come down.
Vince gets a chair and puts it in the center of the ring. Vince tells Marty that there is another way. He does not have to kiss Vince’s ass. All he has to do to get a job is to break the Master Lock. Masters puts Marty in the Master Lock and Vince tells Chris to break Marty’s neck. Marty tries to fight out, but Vince kicks Marty in the abdomen. Vince tells Marty that he is going to kiss Vince’s ass. Vince pulls his pants down again, but Shawn Michaels comes down and he punches Masters and hits the super kick. Michaels grabs the chair while Vince still has his pants down around his knees. From out of nowhere, Shane McMahon comes out and he attacks Shawn from behind. Shane gets the chair and hits Shawn in the head with it. Vince tells Shawn that if he wants to fight a McMahon so bad, he will be facing Shane McMahon in a street fight at Saturday Night’s Main Event. Shane says something to Vince and Vince likes that idea. Vince tells Shawn that since he interfered, Shawn will have to kiss Vince’s ass. Shane picks up Shawn and makes Shawn kiss Vince’s ass. Vince says that Shawn might have kissed his ass, but Vince will be kicking Shawn’s at Wrestlemania. We go to credits.