The normal videos here and there play as well as a recap of the recent SmackDown! versus Raw feud highlighting the Edge set-up from two weeks ago which laid out Batista followed by the inter-brand brawling that went down on Raw on Monday. It was good, but the whole show on Monday really didn’t need to revolve around it. There are other feuds going on, you know? After all the videos, Michael Cole welcomes us to the show and pumps up the main event of Batista versus Orton for the title and Melina versus Christy Hemme. The latter is definitely a contender for match of the year just like Tyson Tomko versus Snitsky when that happens! Teddy Long is then shown backstage briefing the security on a possible invasion from Raw. Gee, I wonder if they will show.
Sharmell then makes her way out in a gown, gloves, and tiara. Jesus Christ, someone needs to get her back on the street corner unzipping someone’s pants for crack. She’s like the dirtier version of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, except she’s got no class and pisses everyone off to no end. Ok, well maybe she’s more like Julia Roberts than I think. Anyway, she introduces “her man” and Booker T comes out with the US title as they play a recap of Benoit losing the title. Like the Benoit mark in me will ever forget it.
WWE United States Championship
Booker T (c) Vs. Chris Benoit
Before I forget, commercial break times one equals, of course, a break from the match as it finally started to go somewhere. God, I hate that. It’s the one big thing I hate about TV and why matches like Regal-Benoit from pre-internet Velocity don’t appeal to me that much. Stupid reason I know, but the commercial break and knowing you missed out on like five minutes of action really gets to me. This was a good match, but definitely not up to par from their last match. That match had greatness written all over it; this one? Not even a little bit. One of the big things about the match was that it took them about ten minutes to do something. For ten minutes, it was basically chop, chop, chop, chop, suplex, recover, chop, chop, knee to the gut, chop, chop, chop, suplex, et cetera. They didn’t do anything. Now, I understand there is a feeling out process in the beginning of the match, but it doesn’t last ten minutes of a twenty minute match! Even if it does, you don’t repeat the same spots and moves over and over again for those ten minutes! By the time they started to do something, they went to a commercial. God, I hate television. After the break, the match improved immensely because they were finally using their time right and doing something. Before the break, Booker and Benoit had fought on the apron (which was also nice but I forgot to mention it since I’m apparently so negative) and Booker rammed Benoit’s shoulder into the steel post thus exposing it. Booker then went to town on the shoulder as we came back, but it didn’t really last long as Benoit powered out and the see-saw continued. The match went on see-saw with basic spots and counters until Benoit went for the flying headbutt. Sharmell jumped on the apron and distracted one of the refs (one had taken a ref bump so there were now two out there) which gave time for Booker to hop up. More top rope spots need to pan out like that. Every time I see someone climb to the top rope, from Bryan Danielson to AJ Styles, I always cringe because really, who is going to lay down after a scoop slam and let you climb to the top and jump on you? Seriously, guys; who? When you have a situation like this, it adds more credibility to the match and just makes it more realistic in my eyes. I may be an anal idiot, but waiting five minutes for your opponent to climb and then hit you just exposes the business too much for my taste. In the end, Booker hit a Superplex onto Benoit and then they both kind of pinned each other with a hook of the legs and both of their shoulders were on the mat. Each ref said the other was the champ and it looks like we got ourselves a draw.
Winner: No Contest
Star Wrestler: Chris Benoit
After seeing the finish, I understand the complete see-saw nature of the match and it really makes sense, but it still doesn’t make the match better. No offense, but the fact that they wasted ten minutes with the same procedure and spots over and over again really doesn’t fly. Of course, Benoit was the star here. He’s Chris freakin’ Benoit. Seriously though, Booker just hasn’t really adapted in the ring to his heel turn yet. He’s still wrestling like a face, which could work in some situations, but not when he’s full blown heel with his wife. Just doesn’t work that way. As the feud doesn’t look like it’s ending, it’d be nice to see Booker once he finally adapts to being a full blown heel like he was in 2001 or 2004 again.
As the refs and wrestlers argue, we go to another break and another potty break for me.
Commercial break times two equals a good match that earns a pondering moment while I run to the bathroom between commercials.
Teddy Long is in the ring with the arguing people and he’s got a mike and he calls for the replay. It then proves that no one got their shoulder up, so it looks like we got a clear ol’ fashioned draw like I said. Sharmell then takes the mike, to the disdain of the crowd, and she tells Long that he knows when there is a tie, the champion keeps his title. Whoa, she’s got a brain! Long then tells Benoit that he’s not the champion and as Booker celebrates, Long decides that Booker isn’t the champion either. He then says the title is currently vacant. Long then says they had an issue like this in WCW if he remembers, so how about a best of seven series for the title? Holy recycled storylines, Batman! Apparently, it’s going to start at Survivor Series too. Well, at least we will be getting another match. I was thinking a five match card was weak for a while now, so it’s nice to get something else going on.
JBL is then shown being led by security and he finds a van he thinks is full of Raw superstars. He opens it too find the Boogeyman reciting some Mary Poppins song. He then does his gimmick and slams the clock on his head, and JBL closes it and gets the Cena look his face like on Raw this past Monday. I think we should just call that the Boogeyman look for now on and as JBL masters it, we go to another break.
Commercial break times three equals a thought as to how long before Boogeyman gets in the ring, and what exactly that will end up like.
Back from break, they do a similar look around at Britain like they did on Raw and then we see the Dicks come out. Jesus Christ, these guys are even smaller than Tony Chimmel. I don’t mind the gimmick as much as I do the size of them. Smaller than me, yet more body mass than Tomko; something doesn’t add up there. Someone’s being using the juice a bit too much, eh?
The Dicks Vs. Legion Of Doom
This was just a ridiculous match. It’s not really anyone’s fault, but just the idea that the Dicks could make Heidenreich into a face-in-peril has me scratching my head more than after a Vince Russo interview. The match was pretty basic and the Dicks stayed in control well, but the damn size advantage is just something I can’t get over. I did really enjoy the beginning though as LOD totally demolished the Dicks with forearms and then the double Irish whip into each other. It just fell apart from there though. In the end, Animal got the hot tag (which was a ridiculous mess of no-selling and illogical wrestling), but the Dicks sprayed body lotion into his eyes. Animal acted blind and got a few shots in on the Dicks, but was then rolled up and got pinned via cheating. Classic heel cheating which should have had my interest spiked, but the damn size! I sound like a broken record, but even I’m taller!
Winners: The Dicks
Star Wrestler: Animal
God bless Animal for having to put up with this and do the job to the two rejects from the “new talent initiative.” There really wasn’t much to match and not much to judge on, so I’ll just go on that. Good job, Animal, I guess. I know I’m being hard on the Dicks, and they really aren’t that bad, but by god, they have no business in the ring with the Legion Of Doom, much less getting a win!
Afterwards, they hype up Matt Hardy versus Ken Kennedy coming up next which should be good.
Commercial break times four equals small, small, small wrestlers. Why are they not in the midget division? Oh, yeah; the juice.