The WWE and Heat videos are shown and we go right into the action, or whatever WWE wants to call it now. Why the hell doesn’t the Heat intro have any shots of wrestling whatsoever? It looks like some epileptic threw up an orange drink over the screen. Anyway, it’s time for Heat.
Johnny Parisi Vs. Snitsky
Now, since when has Parisi been an official member of the Raw roster? I remember him being signed to WWE a while back and I remember him doing Heat jobs here and there, but does that warrant being an official member of Raw? Jeez, I can’t imagine how Parisi’s Raw debut will go. “Here’s a guy who’s been with the company a few months. Don’t know him? Oh, well he’s been on Heat. You all watch that, right? We surely advertise it enough, right?” God, I feel bad for this guy, especially after watching this match. It seems like Parisi pissed someone off backstage to be put in a drawn out squash match. Parisi only got three offensive moves in on Snitsky the whole match! For a squash, it was standard. Neither worker really showed any impressive spots; though I am digging Snitsky’s new look kind of. The goatee he has growing in makes him look so ridiculous, but wild at the same time; so even though smarks are laughing their heads off at him, marks are impressed. Anyway, after four minutes of pure Snitsky, he hits his new finisher which is a standing variation of Abyss’ Black Hole Slam.
Star Wrestler: Snitsky
Before you cringe, hear me out. I don’t mind Snitsky in all honesty. With a guy like him, you can’t expect Hart-Benoit-Danielson style workrate; but used the right way, you can expect him to get over faces well and tide the time between major feuds. Be honest; what was a better way to get Hardy over as an under-dog face? Putting him against Tajiri after the Street Fight? No, Snitsky is the go-to guy. Snitsky does his job well and when he needs to, he can turn up the pace like he did with Kane (although he really didn’t with Benjamin). Plus, there was a spot at the end that just solidified Snitsky was getting this nod. After he won, he walked to one side to taunt. Parisi was in the middle, sprawled out; so Snitsky walked to other side, but around him? Nope. Snitsky walked through him, stepping on him in the process, like he was nothing. Like him or not, the guy plays the role WWE has for him perfectly and it’s really not like he’s shoved down our throats. WWE pulls him out when necessary and he’s really only had the high profile of one feud which was good at the time to turn Kane face. Just because he’s big does not mean that he is the worst ever.
They hype up a triple threat tag team match for later on and then show the WWE Rewind which is a recap of that abysmal Trish-Victoria match that set back women’s wrestling almost a full decade. With workers like Trish and Victoria and the matches these two have had in the past, this one was just pathetic and I swear I felt a little bit of blood seeping out of my eyes. Luckily, Alexis Laree aka Miki James debuted and saved the pits that was this “title defense.”
Viscera Vs. Jason Bates
Oh, man, Viscera just might have the world’s worse entrance music ever. It was like low class porn music; the kind hillbillies buy three for a dollar at the gas station. To further the level of suckitude (thank you E & C), the strut Viscera had to go with it will haunt me whenever my eyelids meet together. Thank you, WWE. You’ll be getting the bill from my therapist. The hits didn’t stop there though. Viscera spent the whole match hounding Jason Bates like that uncle that kids were never left alone with at family reunions. Even more, he started humping Jason Bates at one point! Ugh, I’m serious. Todd Grisham even had an official move name for it: Vis-agra! What the hell! Now, I defend WWE a lot, but this is where I draw the line. Viscera may be over, but trying to hump a guy after looking like you want to rape him something fierce? Nu-uh; I draw the line right then and there. After a display of homo-eroticism that would have rivaled JBL’s hazing, Viscera hits the Viscera Drop (nicknamed VD by Grisham) for the win. Is Viscera a Ladies’ Man or a Gentlemen’s Man? Even more, why in the hell is Grisham promoting this stuff? VD? Vis-agra? God, I need to get a therapist now.
Star Wrestler: Jason Bates
Anyone who can willingly agree to be humped by Viscera deserves this credit. In all honesty though, Bates made the dreadful match to follow open well by working over the crowd, which you never see from random Heat jobbers. Still though, I can’t believe this guy had to suffer through this. If I had his address, I’d send him a butt doughnut filled with ice. Alas, the guy’s butt must go sore for another day. God knows what kind of sick rib this match was.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Kerwin White is then announced to happen later and it looks like we will get a recap of another drawn-out McMahon segment from Raw next. Well, not yet as it seems we are getting a title defense!