Let’s take this a little old school with someone infinitely cooler than you, shall we?
When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine
Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you’ll sing, “Vita bella.”
Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantella
When the stars make you drool just like pasta e fagioli
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You’re in love
I really have not ment for this to be an every two-week thing. And I am promising to do better, but let me break things down for you.
My wife and I are sort of in a dog fight to keep our baby. For those of you that have been following my life when I give you bits and nuggets about it already know, my wife and I can’t have children of our own. We also are not rich – so we couldn’t go to one of those “Pay us 20 Grand, wait two years, and we’ll hand you a baby” adoption places. We had to go the Foster to Adopt plan, which is free – but also unstable.
So, we went to the classes (which is one of the reasons I no longer do SmackDown Rage), graduated, and last July, we were placed with a beautiful baby girl. We got her straight from the hospital at 1 1/2 weeks old. She was a drug baby – addicted to cocaine, heroin, and vicodin. Now, she’s nearly seven months old, drug free, and very healthy.
Now, there is only so much, legally, that I can say about this in a public forum (which is also the reason I can’t post her picture for you to see) – and I’m sure there are a bunch of you that could care less and wish I’d get on with the pro-fesh-onal `rasslin’ – so, I’ll wrap this up quick. The bio mom and dad want her back and even though they are both still “using” – they have fleeced a grandmother to try and get the baby so they can still see her. And of course, the wife and I are very attached and, seeing as how we were the ones to suffer through the hard times when she was born and got the baby healthy after her initial drug addiction, feel we are the best place for her. All of this, Child Protective Services, and legal mumbo-jumbo has taken a lot of my time and the stress of possibly losing my daughter has made it hard for me to write every week.
That said, I’m not looking for your sympathy. I knew the risks when I entered into this and I rather enjoy nasty emails from my fans telling me I’m lazy. I’m working on getting better. So, if some of my content tonight feels dated – it’s because I wrote most of RAW Rage for last week and then didn’t get to watch RAW for you guys.
There. Let’s get on with the show…
Your Rumble or Mine?
So, we had the Royal Rumble – probably everyone’s favorite PPV. And, hey – the show was alright. I am amazed that so many are touting it as so great because I don’t consider a PPV great if I can tell you the outcome of almost every match before the show starts – even WITHOUT reading the rumors.
But hey, it was the Rumble. And the Rumble is always something special. Here are a few random thoughts about the show before we get into the prediction scores:
-The only reason people don’t treat Michaels the same way they do Triple H is because he’s not married in. I should think it was obvious to everyone that Edge needed not only the win – but needed a rub. By winning the cheap way he did – he got nothing and since HBK is off to do a program with Angle – he’ll never get that rub. I’m no Blonde Devil lover or anything – but that wasn’t right.
-The whole Taker/Kane/Snitski/Heidi thing is very entertaining just for the fact that it’s SUCH a train wreck.
-JBL vs. Big Show in a Barbed Cage Match STILL won’t make me order No Way Out.
-Did everyone hear Eddie call Triple H a “cracker” after the “jumping bean” comment?
-I believe JBL was actually drunk during his “celebration” segment, because boy just WOULD NOT SHUT UP.
-Teddy Long is worthless. And that pains me to say after loving him on RAW.
-Bischoff is clutching very desperately to whatever he actually has left. That boy’s close to worthless too.
-Orton did quite a good acting job on his “concussion”. For a few minutes I really thought he was hurt. And the last fifteen minutes of that match was so odd, it really had me fooled. But the ref bump and Trips mauling Orton’s head over and over made me figure it was a work. Good job by Orton. (UPDATE: after RAW last week – I still think he’s doing a good job on the acting. It does make me wonder where they are going with the angle though. Is he going to get so many concussions that he ends up with tourette’s like Goldust? If so, Orton should worry about his job and I will LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT)
-VINCE GOES DOWN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
-Just how are they always able to pull off the “Two guys hit at the same time” shtick every time? How many times did they have to practice that?
-Unless we have a complete meltdown year – Cena will win that thing next year.
-In a legit fight, I’m taking Batista – but I have a sinking feeling that since he’s still young, he ain’t getting the belt at Wrestlemania.
So, there you go. At least I don’t regret buying the show.
We also had our regular Roundtable for the show which you can find pretty easily if you’re reading this on Salty Ham. I’d link it, but you people need to learn how to do things for yourself. Anyway, we all had good records for the show – the worst being 3-2 – so rather than running down how everyone did – I’m going to just let you know what the overall standings for the year are. And, for your info and theirs – I never got picks from The Hoss (though he claims he sent them – sorry bro) or Jeanice. Here we go:
#1-tie Erico: 9-2
#1-tie White Chocolate: 9-2
#3-tie WT Harmon: 8-3
#3-tie Larz Richards: 8-3
#5-tie Roland G: 7-4
#5-tie The Monthly Reader: 7-4
#7-tie Jish: 6-5
#7-tie Steve W: 6-5
#9 Jeanice: 4-2
#10: The CURRENT Big Thing: 3-2
#11 The Hoss: 3-3
Fun stuff. And if you want to be picked as the next Monthly Reader and try to beat us “experts”, then sign up for The Salty Ham Forums and start posting. Then I’ll notice you and ask.
Movie Reader’s Theater
You have no idea how much time it takes to write an installment of this. So, I’m skipping it this week. We’ll have the continuing saga of BRAVEHEART next week. However, if you’re looking for a good segment – read on…
I’ve often wondered what you wrestling fans look like. You see, I have no faith in any of you. Personally, I figure everyone who reads this mess of a column looks like this:
Don’t fret – I don’t look much better.
So, in an effort to prove myself wrong as well as entertain all of you – I’ve put a little panel together of women to judge all of you and deem you either Worthy or Not Worthy. And, I’ve asked you, my loyal readers, to email me your picture – and I will then give them to the panel and they will decide – then I will share the findings in RAW Rage. Fun, huh?
The panel of women are:
Jeanice – writer of “Branded” and all around cool cat.
Bevin – Salty Ham’s Movie’s editor and all around nice cat.
Mrs. G – My beloved wife who’s the greatest cat in the world.
So far, I’ve had two entries – which is good – but I need more so email me your picture and lets have fun.
A couple of rules before we get to our first entrant. #1. When I send the picture to the girls, I don’t tell them who it is (just in case they’ve seen you lingering on the boards and so they can have no bias). #2. They must be completely honest in their judgments of Worthy/Not Worthy.
Here is our first brave soul. His name? WT Harmon – Salty Ham’s own.
Is he worthy? Let’s see what the girls thought:
Well, his slick hair tells me he’s worth of going “Heyyyyyy” and hitting the juke box in order to get a free song at the local teen hangout. But his glasses tell me he’s worthy of fixing my CPU. He’s geeky cute, yet dangerous…I like that in a man. Worthy.
What I Like:
I like that this guy is good looking at first glance. He’s the kind of guy who could walk by me and I’d look again. He seems to take care of his fantastic hair which is nice (although it could probably stand less styling product). Also, he is smart enough to buy a pair of glasses that fits his face; some guys seem to buy whichever pair that they grab first. He has a genuine enough smile, especially since this looks like a posed picture. Finally, he looks like he takes all right care of himself. He does not look like he throws down at every opportunity but it does look like you could enjoy a large order of nachos with him without much guilt.
What I don’t Like:
I will be honest, I hate facial hair. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. If he agreed to shave, that might be all right. Also, I think that he could try some teeth whiteners. The teeth are looking a little dingy, especially in comparison to everything else that is walking around out there. Finally, a tee shirt and jeans is not a great look. I might update the wardrobe to include some dressier shirts.
All in all, he is worthy. Everything “wrong” with him is changeable … and I do like that smile.
For the first-ever contestant of the Worthy/Not Worthy game, I will start off slow and try not to be too harsh. As this game continues, I will bear in mind that pictures can sometimes be deceiving. Extremely dark hair will give this contestant extra a point in my book, as my sweetie, Roland G, knows. His glasses look good, nice smile, hair looks great, and there doesn’t seem to be a weight issue. This contestant does look like he has a bit of goofiness peaking out. Face is somewhat babyish, but more importantly, reads decent enough to take home to mom and dad. He just needs to lose the facial hair, get some teeth whitener, buy some spiffy duds and then he is ready for the cover of GQ. WORTHY!
So, there we have it. WT Harmon – our first contestant – is WORTHY!!!
Now you guys see how it works – so if you would like to be evaluated and deemed Worthy/Not Worthy – then you need to Email Me a picture of yourself so my crack team of gals can tell you what you are. (link fixed). It’s all very exciting.
RAW Rage #65
-RAW’s in Japan. Tajiri is gonna be sooooo over.
-RAW’s in Japan. Will these rice eaters realy get the subtle nuances of Tyson Tomko?
-RAW’s in Japan. And in complete defiance of all the technological advances that the Japanese have given us by way of smaller televisions, smaller computers, compact cars, and tiny Ipods we can store thousands of songs on – Vince goes right on ahead and makes the Titan Tron TWICE THE SIZE it normally is. That’ll show those sushi loving freaks.
-Bischoff’s out to the ring. Some odd looking Asian translator with the strangest looking goatee I’ve ever seen is with him. Holy cow, Has-an, it looks like a cat died on your face…or a dog…oh wait – that’s more a Korean stereotype. Scratch that. Bischoff announces some matches and the Japanese guy translates. After it’s over, he takes a dagger and plunges it into his stomach in the middle of the ring, figuring he’d try to die with honor rather than being remembered as being associated with the company that touts JBL as their champion. He has a point, you know.
-Benoit vs. Jericho (Submission Match). Welp, the IWC now has to change their collective pants. I think I heard Scott Keith moan in extacy all the way down here. Of course, you know, that no matter who wins this match will not be pushed and the loser only lost because TRIPLE H IS HOLDING THEM DOWN!!! Looking over the crowd – it seems ALL the fans have cameras. Go figure. The match is good – the crowd polite, obviously amazed by the size of the white man. Heh, just wait until they lay eyes on Shelton Benjamin. Jericho, in immense pain from a modified crossface, tries to summon his friend Pokemon for help – but the ref interprets his tapping as “giving up” and calls the match.
-During this little trip, the RAW guys and gals toured Japan to big crowds and we get a tape to prove it. I believe, way in the back of one crowd, I could see Ultimo Dragon – but then he “slipped” out of sight.
-Flair, fresh from another successful plane ride, is in a good mood and lets Trips know it. But The H’s is just a bit sad about possibly losing his best buddy to SmackDown. Flair disagrees and dreams of Evolution on Thursday nights too. Personally, I’d be more inclined to watch SD if `Tista went over there. But it ain’t gonna happen. And if any of you really think they will go in that direction, you need to pay more attention to the show. Trips and Flair hug. That’s manly.
-Christian tells a Japanese reporter that his peeps in the land of the rising sun are called “jeeps.” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Christian is GENIUS. The reporter asks Stacy where Orton is. Christian gets offended and a bunch of posturing and fun-making later, a match is made between Tomko and Orton.
-Batista, fresh from a Japanese bath house, walks in.
-The Triple H/Flair Braveheart commercial is no where near as funny as “Movie Reader’s Theater.”
-Maven spouts off about not being in the Rumble and how he can beat up Batista – then Dave comes out an murders him. You know, it’s not as fun doing the gay stuff for Dave now that he’s the focus of the show. It was much easier when he was just this big, hulking guy in the background. Oh well. An interview with Big Show pops on the GIGANTIC TITAN TRON and he says that if Batista comes to SmackDown, he’ll get such a beating. Dave sees the size of that man-meat and high tails it to the back to find Teddy Long so he can sign that contract. I believe I saw him mouth the words, “MORE CUSION FOR THE PUSHIN’!” I’m back, baby!
-Dave runs into Bischoff, all upset. Bischoff dismisses Dave’s anger and pitches RAW to the big man. Dave says he’ll think about it. Think about it HARD.
-La Resistance vs. Tajiri and Regal (World Tag Title Match). They still have the tag titles on RAW? Wow – now that’s some pop for Tajiri. Dude’s more over than Eddie in East L.A. More over than Austin in Texas. More over than Batista in San Francisco. Boy is OVER! Fun match as the crowd is way into it. Tajiri and Regal become your NEW Tag Champs after Tajiri sprays the mist and gets his buzzsaw kick. Then they go into the crowd to celebrate ala La Res in Canada. Fun stuff.
-Some big Hawaiian Sumo Wrestler is in the crowd, if you care. He looks a lot like Grimmace from the McDonald’s commercials.
-The Hall of Fame inductees are announced. Orndorff, Iron Sheik, Volkoff, Bob Orton, and Jimmy Heart are all in. This is a TOTAL TRAVESTY! How can Corporal Kershner be PASSED OVER AGAIN???
-Flair vs. HBK. Heh, Flair is older than all the Hall of Fame inductees. Nice. You gotta love the Naitch. I think the WWE has just killed off two-thirds of the IWC by putting on two “dream” matches on free TV in one night. The match is okay and Shawn wins clean.
-WWE Rewind of Kane beating Snitski in that cage last week.
-The All American Diva Fashion Show – featuring Maria, Victoria, and Christy!!! What is an All American Diva Fashion Show? Well, you will never know because Simon Dean comes out to call the girls, audience, and King (whom he calls “Burger King,” which made me belly laugh) fat. Christy racks Simon from behind and everyone dances. It’s like an ending to a retarded fairy tale.
-I still can’t get enough of that Starburst commercial. “Hello. Is it me you’re looking fooooor?” GENIUS!
-Trips tells `Tista about his master plan to rule SmackDown. Dave says he’ll think about it. But he won’t. He’s a LIAR.
-The Blonde Devil ruins a pretty great RAW so far by opening his gigantic mouth. I believe he sucked in half the orient into his massive abyss.
-Another Japanese Tour video. I believe I saw Mr. Fuji crying in the back.
-Orton vs. Tomko. I believe Tomko should be the crowd favorite here since he sports that Fu-man Chu goatee. Christian drags Stacy out to watch while I wish I could use my Tivo to jump ahead a bit. But alas, I am live. Orton gets concussed (is that a word?) and then hangs on to the front of Tomko’s trunks – almost exposing the little Tomko. Batista’s head explodes. Randy gets a cheap win by rollup because we really can’t have Tyson Tomko winning anything, can we? Christian takes some cheap shots at Orton’s head while Stacy tries to act like she’s concerned while we at home watch Randy Orton’s demotion into the mid card come full circle.
-During the break – Randy drank way too much sake’ and stumbles around.
-King and JR recap the night for those who may have missed up to this point.
-Edge-san vs. Triple H-san (World Title). Sorry guys – I pretty much fell asleep until the end of this match. I do know that Batista helped Trips win. Then, as they were standing there together in celebration, Batista eyed the belt with all the seriousness he could muster. Then the show was over.
Good show tonight. I give it a 7 of 10.
TIME WASTE O-RAMA!!!
Gonna go ahead and just do some time wasting links (since it’s been a while) and then close up shop. We’ll get to our normal band of crap next week (and yes, I do plan on writing next week).
Did you like the Super Bowl? Well no one cares. All we care about was the commercials – And you can watch them all right here.
This talking bird is amazing – check it out.
The funniest children’s book ever.
And finally, NOTHING is better than this guy. Nothing.
Next week: The return of Movie Reader’s Theater, more Pot of Gold, another Worthy/Not Worthy, an Ask Roland (if someone asks me a question in the forum that is), and more…I hope.
Don’t scratch that.
Are You Worthy?