A Total Non-Stop Christmas
The Holiday Special for Wrestling Fans!
by Mike Johns
‘Twas another sunny day in beautiful Orlando, Florida, and all throughout the Impact Zone, the TNA Superstars were preparing for a very special Christmas Episode of Impact. Meanwhile, outside of the Impact Zone, Frankie “The Future” Kazarian, Michael Shane, Traci Brooks, and Kid Kash are walking around Universal Studios, singing Christmas Carols and promoting the upcoming Christmas Show at the Impact Zone.
“We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry…” the group sang.
“Wait a minute,” Kazarian interrupted. “Aren’t you Jewish, Michael Shane?”
Michael Shane paused for a moment to think, then answered, “No. I don’t think I am…”
“Oh, sorry.” Kazarian replied. “I just thought you were, because I read on the Internet that Shawn Michaels was Jewish, and since he’s your cousin and all…”
“I didn’t think Shawn was Jewish, but if it’s on the Internet, it’s GOT to be true!” Michael Shane responded.
“Well, if you’re Jewish, you’re supposed to sing Hanukkah Songs, then, dude,” Kazarian said to Michael.
“All right,” Michael Shane sighed as he began to sing, “Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay. Dreidel dreidel dreidel…”
“That’s a stupid song!” Kazarian interrupted once again.
“Yeah,” Kid Kash agreed. “Hanukkah sucks!”
“Don’t you oppress me, hick!” Michael Shane shouted at Kid Kash.
“Don’t call me a hick, buttf*cker!” Kid Kash shouted back.
“Then don’t belittle my people, you f*cking redneck!” Michael Shane snapped back.
“God damn it! Don’t call me a redneck, you buttf*cking son-of-a-bitch!” Kid Kash fumed.
Suddenly, as if he descended from the sky, Vince Russo appears before Kazarian, Shane, Kash and Traci, wearing a white robe, apparently dressed like Jesus Christ.
“What the…” Michael Shane gasped as Traci hid behind him.
“Behold my creative genius!” Vince Russo proclaimed.
“Holy sh*t!” Kazarian exclaimed. “It’s Vince Russo!”
“Why is he dressed like Jesus?” Traci whispered in Michael Shane’s ear.
“He must really like that Mel Gibson movie, I guess,” Michael Shane whispered back.
“What brings you to Universal Studios, Vince? Didn’t you quit, or get fired, or something?” Kid Kash asked Vince Russo.
“I come seeking… retribution,” Vince Russo responded.
“Oh, f*ck!” Michael Shane exclaimed.
“He’s come to kill you ‘cause you’re Jewish, Michael!” Kazarian gasped. Traci immediately wrapped her arms around her meal ticket and stared at Vince Russo menacingly.
“I knew it! You just saw ‘The Passion’, didn’t you, Vince? Nice knowing you, Michael Shane!” Kid Kash asserted.
“I’m sorry. Please don’t kill me, Mr. Russo!” Michael Shane pleaded. “I just found out I was Jewish, I swear!”
“Fear not,” Vince Russo said softly, “I love all of God’s Children, especially the Jews. They are God’s Chosen People, after all… Besides, Michael Shane, you’re not Jewish.”
“I’m not?” Michael Shane asked. “But Frankie told me that the Internet said…”
“Don’t listen to the Internet, Michael!” Vince proclaimed. “They don’t know what they’re talking about on there half the time, anyway.”
“Whew,” Michael Shane sighed in relief.
“Anyway, guys,” Vince Russo continued, “I’m looking for a place called the ‘Impact Zone’.”
“Dude!” Kazarian interjected. “You know where that is! Studio 8-H, just over there!”
“Yeah, you used to work here, like, a month ago! Don’t tell me you forgot already!” Traci added.
“Sorry,” Vince Russo apologized. “I just thought that maybe they moved it or something… Thanks, guys.”
“No Problem, Mr. Russo,” Michael Shane replied as Vince Russo walked away.
“I wonder what Vince Russo wants at the Impact Zone, anyway,” Kazarian said.
“I don’t know,” Michael Shane replied, “but he did say he was looking for retribution. The question is, retribution on who?”
“Wanna find out?” Kazarian asked.
“Hell yeah!” Michael Shane answered enthusiastically.
“This is gonna be good,” Kid Kash added.
“Let’s go, then!” Kazarian proclaimed. With that said, Michael Shane, Frankie Kazarian, Kid Kash and Traci made their way to the Impact Zone to see just what Vince Russo was going to do next.
Meanwhile, just outside of the Impact Zone, a line of children stood, waiting to see Santa Claus, who had apparently made a stop in Orlando to see all the good little wrestling fans who supported TNA. The children waited and waited and waited some more, and then, Santa Claus walked by with a big bag of presents. He passed out TNA T-Shirts and he passed out TNA DVDs, and all the little wrestling fans cheered, because they knew who it was. It was the Director of Authority, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes, in that big red suit, shouting “HO, HO, HO!” as he gave away Kid Kash T-shirts and the Best of America’s Most Wanted DVDs. Before long, Vince Russo appeared before the crowd, pointing at Dusty Rhodes.
“YOU!” Vince Russo shouted. Dusty Rhodes turned around slowly to see Vince Russo, dressed like Jesus, staring Dusty down like he owed Russo money.
“We meet again, Russo,” Dusty said calmly. “Back to complain about how the wrestling business has been ‘unfair’ to you, AGAIN?”
“Actually, no,” Vince Russo answered, “although it has. No, see, the REAL reason I’m here is because of you, Dusty.”
“Oh, really?” Dusty replied.
“Yeah, you!” Vince confirmed. “Out here, dressed like Santa Claus, besmirching the meaning of Christmas for commercialism and promoting this half-baked Indy Fed that can’t even turn a profit, let alone actually compete with the WWE…”
“You sound like a bitter Internet mark, Vince,” Dusty Rhodes said.
“F*ck you, Dusty! I made Pro Wrestling what it is today, and NO ONE respects that!” Vince Russo proclaimed as many of the young wrestling fans, as well as Dusty Rhodes, snickered.
“HA! That’s funny, Vince,” Dusty taunted. “I bet you’re going to say that you drew more money than Hulk Hogan, next!”
“I did!” Vince claimed.
“Yeah… sure you did!” Dusty said sarcastically. “And I’m the Queen of England!”
While the argument continued, Kazarian, Michael Shane, Traci, and Kid Kash arrived at the scene.
“Here we are,” Kazarian said.
“Just in time, too!” Michael Shane added.
“You have blemished my reputation, for the last time, Dusty!” Vince Russo threatened.
“Well, I don’t know about your so-called ‘reputation’, Vince,” Dusty began, “but you aren’t half the commodity you claim to be, hot shot!”
“Screw you, fat boy!” Vince Russo screamed.
“All right, that does it!” Dusty retorted. “It’s time we finished this!”
“Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here,” Kazarian said.
Vince Russo prayed briefly to himself, while Dusty took off his hat and coat. Then Russo pounced on Dusty Rhodes and proceeded to slap him like a little girl. Dusty hit Russo with a solid right, then hit Russo with the Bionic Elbow, which knocked Russo to the ground. Then, as Dusty charged towards Vince Russo, the self-proclaimed “creative genius” pulled a black bat out of his robe and clocked “The American Dream” right in the nuts with the bat. Dusty fell to the ground, clutching his testicles and rolling around in ungodly amounts of pain.
“Go, Russo!” Kazarian, Shane, Traci, and Kid Kash cheered. Dusty then looked up at the TNA Superstars and glared at them disapprovingly. “Uh… Go, Dusty!”
Vince Russo continued to pound on Dusty with the baseball bat until Dusty, finally able to ignore the pain of his recently smashed testies, counterattacked with a boot square in Vince Russo’s gut. That took the Brooklyn native down just long enough for Dusty to roll over to his bag of TNA Goodies, pull out a few copies of the Best of AMW and take out the discs, which he then proceeded to hurl at Vince Russo like ninja stars. Vince dodgeed the DVD discs, though, allowing one of the discs to inadvertently slice through Traci, killing her instantly!
“Oh my God!” Kazarian shrieked. “They killed Traci!”
“You bastards!” Michael Shane shouted, agonizing over the death of his girlfriend/manager.
“Good luck getting over now, Shane!” Kid Kash taunted.
“F*ck you, douche-bag!” Michael Shane screamed to Kid Kash.
“Boys!” Vince Russo yelled to Kazarain, Kid Kash, and the grieving Michael Shane. “Help me put an end to Dusty Rhodes once and for all!”
“No!” Dusty shouted. “Help me, so I can put an end to Vince Russo and his ego once and for all!”
“God is watching you, boys. You know who to help,” Vince Russo noted.
“Remember that match I booked for you just before Turning Point, Kid Kash,” Dusty added. “I helped you steal all of Chris Sabin’s heat by suggesting that you counter the Cradle Shock, after I spent the past month building up Sabin as the only person who could counter Petey Williams’ Canadian Destroyer, remember?”
“Michael Shane, Dusty killed Traci. That bastard!” Vince Russo said. “Help me, and I’ll ask God to bring her back to life. I can do that, you know. I’m a preacher now. God and I are like this,” Russo claimed, crossing his fingers as a sign to show how close he and God supposedly are.
“It’s a deal with the Devil, Shane!” Dusty said. “Remember what happened to your cousin when he sold his soul to McMahon and helped screw over Bret Hart!”
“I don’t know what to do,” Kazarian said. “Who should we help?”
“I say we help Dusty!” Kid Kash suggested.
“You’re just saying that because he’s TNA’s Head Booker now, kiss-ass!” Michael Shane said, clearly understanding Kid Kash’s motives.
“Hey, I don’t need to take that kind of sh*t from a Shawn Michaels Wanna-Be!” Kid Kash shouted.
“Shawn Michaels Wanna-Be?!” Michael Shane asked, shocked by the accusation.
“Did I stutter?” Kid Kash asked.
“Well, at least I don’t f*ck my sister, trailer trash!” Michael Shane countered.
“Oh yeah?” Kid Kash asked, stepping towards Shane, looking for a fight.
“Wait, wait, just a second. We’ve got to think here,” Kazarian reasoned, stepping in-between Kash and Shane. “Let’s see… What would Barry Horrowitz do?”
“Yeah… What would Barry Horrowitz do?” Kid Kash asked.
Suddenly, former WWE Superstar, Barry Horrowitz (whose claim to fame is two consecutive wins over Chris Candido on WWE Pay Per View in the mid 1990’s) walked up behind Kazarian, Shane, and Kid Kash.
“Did someone say my name?” Barry asked.
“Hey!” Kid Kash announced. “It’s Barry Horrowitz!”
“What incredible irony,” Michael Shane observed.
“Hey there, Barry,” Kazarian began, “I have a question.
“Shoot,” Barry said to Kazarian.
“Okay, who would you help in a fight, Vince Russo or Dusty Rhodes?” Kazarian asked.
“Guys,” Barry said, shaking his head, “you shouldn’t think of things like that. This is the one time of year when we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other and stuff…”
“You’re right, Barry,” Kazarian said, feeling guilty. Turning to Russo and Dusty, who had now begun to choke one another on the ground, Kazarian shouted, “Hey! Knock it off!”
“What for?” Russo asked.
“Well, Mr. Russo, because you need to realize that if it weren’t for guys like Dusty Rhodes, there wouldn’t be a wrestling business for you, or any of us, for that matter, to be a part of,” Kazarian explained. “Guys like Dusty kept it alive throughout the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s so that guys like us could have a chance to be a part of this business now!”
“Yeah,” Michael Shane added, “and Dusty, you need to realize that you’re getting old, and you need to let the younger guys get a shot to contribute to the business, too. Wrestling fans don’t want to watch the same wrestling shows over and over again with the same two champions always holding all the belts and controlling every little creative decision the company makes!”
“Yeah, like Shawn Michaels does,” Kid Kash injected.
“Don’t be talking sh*t about my cousin, now!” Michael Shane threatened Kid Kash.
“Well, it’s true. Him and Triple H both!” Kid Kash continued.
“Okay,” Michael Shane started, “That does it! I’m sick and tired of your sh*t Kash! Now you die!” Michael Shane then attacked Kid Kash, and the two of them went at it.
“You know,” Vince Russo said, “He’s right. I am a creative genius and all, but if it weren’t for you, Dusty, I wouldn’t have even been in the wrestling business at all. I’d still be working at some video store…”
“Yeah,” Dusty replied, “And I am getting old. I really should let some of you young ’ins have more say about what goes on here in TNA…”
“Well, my work is done,” Barry Horrowitz assessed. “Good thing, too! I got to get home and celebrate Hanukkah with my family. You know, if you’re Jewish, you get presents for 8 days?”
“Really?” Kazarian asked. “That’s awesome!”
“Hey, if you want to, you can come celebrate the Festival of Lights with me and my family, Frankie,” Barry said. “We always have room by the Menorah for friends, even if they are Gentiles…”
“Sweet, dude!” Kazarian exclaimed. “Count me in!”
As they walked away, both Barry and Frankie began to sing, “Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay! Dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I will play!”
Chistopher Daniels discovers the true meaning of Christmas in “It’s Christmas Time, Fallen Angel”. See you then for more of A Total Non-Stop Christmas!
* Based on the South Park animated short, “The Spirit of Christmas” by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. You can check it out by going to www.killfile.org/soxmas and download a copy of this rare animated short.