~~~~~THE TBL NEWSLETTER~~~~~
Volume 3, Issue 19
Official Newsletter of:
The Balrog’s Lair
“Still an Internet Original!”
“It’s What You’ve Been Waiting For”
I wanted to get this all out to you before the Rumble – and I am actually writing this before it starts, but circumstances didn’t let me. So, I hope that you will forgive. Anyway, not much time to do this now, so let’s get it on.
Check Out Roland’s Website: Salty Ham!
Wrestlers To be Sent To OVW
WWE has decided to send a lot of their workers who currently do not work house shows down to OVW for further training or to help train other wrestlers. The likely wrestlers that will be sent down are Kanyon, Jacqueline, Ivory, Sean O’Haire, and Stamboli.
Source: Wrestling Observer Newsletter via 411mania
Maven Out 4-6 Weeks
It has been confirmed via MavenHuffman.com that he suffered a radical head fraction in his elbow during a house show in Des Moines last Friday. He will be out four to six weeks. His goal is to return for WrestleMania XX.
Maven had bone chips removed this week as well and was getting a second opinion.
Reports Of Goldberg Meeting for an Extension With the WWE
Reports are surfacing that Vince McMahon and Jim Ross had a sit down meeting with Goldberg at RAW last week to discuss his future and the possibility of a contract extension. The meeting was said to be productive and that Goldberg may sign soon. The deal would be around the same guarantee he currently gets ($1.5 million) but would also include a higher percentage of merchandise sales.
Take this as a rumor for now until more confirmations comes.
Source: Wrestling 365
Big Benoit To RAW Update
It is almost a lock now that Chris Benoit will be moved to the RAW in a few weeks. The rumor is that Benoit will win the Royal Rumble and demand to face HHH at Wrestlemania XX.
It seems that Triple H is the one who is pushing for Benoit to move to RAW because he feels that he and Benoit can have the high quality matches he wants to have.
It is said that Benoit will not have RAW’s top babyface spot because that is reserved for Shawn Michaels at the moment, but he will be given a big program that will possibly culminate at WM XX.
The WWE was considering moving John Cena to RAW, but the odds on favorite is now Benoit.
Source: Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter
Vince Tells Wrestlers Not to Talk To Web
Vince told both the RAW and SmackDown rosters in separate meetings to not speak with wrestling website – calling them (us) “parasites”. He is upset over leaks that have gone out over the web. Vince also went so far to say that if he caught anyone leaking information that they would be fired.
Brock Lesnar also stood up and spoke to the SmackDown roster, backing Vince up. It is said that Brock has become more of a locker room leader.
Apparently McMahon was so upset that he even verbally insulted one wrestler with ridicule.
Lynn Told He Has No Role
Seems that the bookers (Dutch Mantel especially) have no place for Jerry Lynn anymore. They have told him that they have no role for him and will not be booking him.
Source: Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter
Jarrett Announces 3 Hour PPV For April
Jeff Jarrett told his crew backstage at the NWA:TNA PPV that the companies first 3 hour Sunday PPV, Bound For Glory, will be pushed back to April. He told everyone that Hulk Hogan will not be working the show since he has distanced himself from TNA. Many suspect this will end the Hogan/Jarrett feud for good.
The PPV is slated to take place at an army base in Kentucky.
They will try to pack the rosters by then with Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Ken Shamrock, and anyone else they consider a big name at the PPV. They will also most likely have country singer Toby Keith perform.
Russo Back With TNA
Vince Russo is reported to be back with TNA creatively. The problems that he and Jeff Jarrett had in the past seems to be worked out, although TNA does not plan to bring Russo back as an on-air personality. It’s possible that he will only be a consultant as there is also no plan for him to be backstage during PPV’s.
Source: Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter
SD! Press Release on Resigning for 2 Years
WWE SmackDown! Gets A Two-Year Pickup By UPN
STAMFORD, Conn., Jan 21, 2004 — World Wrestling Entertainment(TM) said today that it is excited with UPN’s decision to exercise its option to renew WWE(R) SmackDown!(TM) for two more years, keeping the program on UPN at least through September 2006.
Dawn Ostroff, President, Entertainment, UPN, made the announcement during the Television Critics Association press tour this past Sunday.
“UPN’s renewal of WWE SmackDown! for two more years is great news for us and all WWE fans,” said Linda McMahon, CEO of WWE. “We are delighted to continue to be part of the UPN family.”
Since its debut on UPN on August 26, 1999, WWE SmackDown! consistently has been the network’s most successful program and a magnet for male teens on Thursday nights. WWE SmackDown! continues to be UPN’s highest rated show among total viewers and across virtually all key adult and male demographics. With an original SmackDown! 52 weeks a year, UPN has consistently ranked as the number one network on Thursday among male teens, and a solid third among persons 12-34 and young men, behind only CBS and NBC.
World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. (NYSE: WWE) is an integrated media and entertainment company headquartered in Stamford, Conn., with offices in New York City, Los Angeles, Toronto and London. Additional information on the company can be found at wwe.com and corporate.wwe.com. For additional information on WrestleMania XX, to be broadcast live on pay-per-view from Madison Square Garden in New York City on March 14, 2004, go to wrestlemania.wwe.com.
Trademarks: The names of all World Wrestling Entertainment televised and live programming, talent names, images, likenesses, slogans and wrestling moves and all World Wrestling Entertainment logos are trademarks, which are the exclusive property of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.
If you would like to be a TBL and WOW Revolution Newsletter affiliate and have your website reach hundreds of mailboxes every week,email me and we’ll get your link in the Newsletter.
Visit our great affiliates!
The Wrestling Journal
More affiliates to come!
THE LOGICAL APPROACH
By Rick Elsey
Booking Royal Rumble 2004-
I know that some look upon arm-chair booking as a futile process that renders no real reward other than causing disappointment when the real results don’t measure up… but I can’t help but say to those people…GET OFF MY BACK!!!
I decided to write this little commentary today as a way of making MY Royal Rumble for 2004 a pleasant experience, before Vince McMahon can ruin the real one.
So if you don’t want to see what I would do, then stop reading now.
If you are still with me, thank and enjoy.
Sunday Night Heat:
Al Snow and Coach open Heat by running down the “Raw” portion of the event, and just as they are nearly done, Tazz & Michael Cole interrupt the duo and remind them that it is not just a “Raw” PPV. Tazz & Michael Cole then run down the “Smackdown” portion of the card.
With the initial opening out of the way, we go to Terri, who is standing by with Raw GM, Eric Bischoff AND Smackdown GM, Paul Heyman. Terri introduces the GM’s to one another, and then allows them the time to explain that in the spirit of competition, Heat will provide fans with an interpromotional 6 Man Tag, as Raw’s Garrison Cade, Mark Jindrak & Rob Conway will take on Smackdown’s Tag Team Champions, The Basham Brothers and their partner Sean O’Haire. Bischoff then reveals that since Heat is HIS brand’s sister show, he will be featuring an additional Raw Roster match that will see Jon Heidenreich take on Lance Storm. Heyman then spoils Bischoff’s moment when he reveals that Raw Sheriff, Stone Cold Steve Austin, granted Heyman special permission to have a “Smackdown Exclusive” match up on Heat as well. Heyman informs us that he will present Ultimo Dragon vs. Paul London. Heyman walks off gloating as Bischoff curses Austin.
Garrison Cade, Mark Jindrak & Rob Conway defeated The Basham Brothers & Sean O’Haire w/ Shaniqua, after O’Haire walked out on The Bashams.
-Coach and Al would both note the quality team work on the Raw team, regardless of the possible philosophical differences between Jindrak & Cade and their partner, Conway.
Backstage, O’Haire walks up Bischoff and asks him if the offer is still open? Bischoff smiles and shakes O’Haire’s hand, telling that he’ll see him tomorrow night on Raw.
-Tazz & Cole are shocked at what we just heard. They go over the history between Bob Holly and Brock Lesnar, and then we go to the “Smackdown Exclusive” match.
Ultimo Dragon defeats Paul London in a clean cruiserweight match.
-Al & Coach go over the history of Triple H and Shawn Michaels.
Backstage, Josh Matthews is talking with Brock Lesnar about tonight, when Goldberg walks by and Lesnar calls out to him and tells Goldberg that it is too bad that he isn’t a Smackdown superstar, because he’d love to face Goldberg. Goldberg thinks that Lesnar shouldn’t be looking past Bob Holly. Lesnar shrugs off Holly and insists that Goldberg only signed with Raw because he knew that Lesnar was going to defeat Kurt Angle last year at Mania. Lesnar thinks Goldberg wanted no piece of him at all, so he took the easy way out and went with the Raw brand. Goldberg tells Lesnar that he should watch his mouth, because Smackdown brand or not… he could be next.
Lance Storm w/ Val Venis & Girls, defeats Jon Heidenreich clean, but after the match is over, Heidenreich goes berserk and lays out Val and Storm, and obliterates the women they brought to the ring with them.
-The commentators for both brands wrap up Heat by reminding us that the winner of the Rumble will get a World Title shot at WrestleMania. Then we are treated to an old fashion rumble video, featuring all 30 stars making a quick statement about why they want to win the Royal Rumble.
WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match:
(C) Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble w/ Nidia
-Mysterio wins the match after Noble tries to use Nidia in a physical way, but she takes off her glasses to reveal she can see. Nidia then cracks Noble with her cane, helping Rey get the win and then leaves with the champion.
-Steven Richards in interviewed backstage by Terri, and tells her that Victoria is getting better, but she is not able to return for a while yet. Richards said that he at first chose not to be in the rumble so he could be at Victoria’s side. But, Victoria demanded that he come here tonight to insure that Test and Scott Steiner do not win the Rumble. Richards promises to get revenge for Victoria and keep them from winning.
-Eric Bischoff confronts Sheriff Austin about the Heat situation, but then questions where or not Mick Foley will show tonight? Austin tells Bischoff that Foley will definitely show. Randy Orton comes up and tells Austin that if Foley doesn’t show, he may just have to beat on another legend, insinuating that he might attack Austin.
Table Match for the World Tag Team Championship:
(C) Ric Flair & Batista vs. The Dudley Boyz
– Bubba & D-Von are attacked by an unknown team (Seven & Bane from OVW) during the match, making them easy prey for Flair & Batista. After the match, Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak come down and challenge Flair & Batista for the belts tomorrow on Raw.
-Paul Heyman is backstage with Big Show, A-Train, Rhyno & Matt Morgan. Heyman explains to his men that even though it is everyman for himself, it is also every Brand for itself. Heyman wants this opportunity to show up Raw, so he is asking each of them to band together for Smackdown and toss out as many Raw superstars as possible. Then, once the ring is full of Smackdown stars… please by all means, kill each other.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Chavo Guerrero
-Chavo defeats Eddie after Kurt Angle comes down and appears to try and help Eddie, but “accidentally” hits Eddie instead of Chavo. Eddie argues with Angle and challenges him to a match on Smackdown this coming Thursday night.
-Vince McMahon is in his office talking on a cell phone, when Eric Bischoff enters and asks for a moment. McMahon grants him some time, and Bischoff explains that he has enough on his plate having to deal with Austin as the “Sheriff”, but he doesn’t think he should have to contend with Paul Heyman running around trying to sabotage this PPV. McMahon laughs and reminds Eric that he just stole Sean O’Haire away from Smackdown. Besides, Vince tells Eric that he likes what Heyman is doing and would hope it would inspire the man that Eric Bischoff use to be. The man who gave away taped results of the competition’s show on live TV. The man who had the competition’s Women’s Champion throw her belt in the garbage. The man who called out Vince McMahon on live TV and challenged him to appear at a WCW PPV for a one on one match. Vince tells Bischoff that if Heyman is leading a charge to ruin Raw’s chances of winning the Rumble, maybe Bischoff should follow suit and try to up the ante.
World Heavyweight Championship Match:
LAST MAN STANDING-
(C) Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels
-Shawn Michaels has Triple H beaten when Evolution decides to aid their leader, gaining Triple H some time to rest, until Sheriff Austin comes out to run off Flair & Batista. Randy Orton delivers the RKO in Michaels, and Triple H goes for the pin. Mick Foley’s video entrance and music begin to play. Triple H and Orton look stunned. Foley comes from the crowd with a chair and nails Orton and Triple H; Shawn Michaels recovers and hits Sweet Chin Music on Triple H getting the pinfall and the win.
-Chris Benoit and John Cena have a backstage confrontation, ending in mutual respect and high praise.
-RVD and Booker T speak with Matt Hardy, Chris Jericho, Christian and The Hurricane, making reference to Heyman’s order to his Smackdown guys to get rid of Raw superstars first. They ask for their fellow Raw superstars to put aside any differences they may have and put out a good showing for Raw.
WWE Championship Match:
(C) Brock Lesnar v. Hardcore Holly
-Lesnar defeats Holly after some trouble, but he gets the job done. Lesnar then calls out Goldberg telling him that he will defend the WWE Title against him any time he wants it… all he has to do it come and get some. Goldberg doesn’t come out and Lesnar says that he’ll just have to come to Goldberg.
#1- Chris Benoit
#2- Matt Hardy
-Benoit & Hardy fight around the ring, trying to dump each other over the top rope, until participant #3- Test, hits the ring, and then it is a surprising two on one with Test & Hardy trying to drop Benoit. #4- Scott Steiner hits the ring and it is a Raw three on one for the next two minutes. Finally, #5- Bradshaw comes out and evens the odds somewhat. #6- Rikishi hits the ring and it is finally three on three. It looks as if Paul Heyman’s agenda is working in theory as we have more of a brand war than an every man for himself Rumble. #7- Renee Dupree comes to the ring, but is hesitant to get into the fray, and hangs out on the outside for most of the next two minutes. #8- Tajiri runs to the ring and slides in, but hangs out in a corner, watching the six-person battle before him. #9- Ernest Miller hits the ring and immediately attacks Tajiri, throwing brand loyalty out the window. #10- Big Show makes his way to the ring, tossing Renee Dupree into the ring, and immediately tossing him over the top rope. Show then delivers a big boot to Hardy, sending him over the top rope as well. Test & Steiner succeed in dropping Bradshaw over the top next and then move to double team Rikishi. #11- Kane makes his way down to the ring, and once there double choke slams Miller and Tajiri. Steven Richards makes a shocking charge to the ring with a chair and nails Test, sending him over the top rope, and then begins to fight with Scott Steiner, distracting him, as Rikishi drops Big Poppa Pump. Richards then retreats to the back, with Steiner & Test in pursuit. #12- Mark Henry hits the ring and immediately dumps Miller, then clotheslines Rikishi over the top. Kane tosses Tajiri to the floor next. Big Show attacks Henry from behind, while Kane goes after Benoit. #13- Christian makes his way to the ring and slides into the ring, then right back out. Christian then sneaks underneath the ring. #14- Nunzio makes his way to the ring ! and slid es right in, joining Big Show in his beating of Mark Henry. #15- Rico enters the Rumble next and tackles Nunzio. Over the next few minutes, we get #16- The Hurricane, #17- Spike Dudley and #18- Billy Gunn. With the ring relatively full at this point, #19- A-Train comes in and aids Big Show in dumping Henry. Meanwhile, Nunzio is almost dumped by Rico, until Stamboli & Palumbo of the F.B.I. come down and pull Rico out illegally. Nunzio is then dropped by The Hurricane. #20- Matt Morgan comes down and helps Big Show and A-Train rid the ring of Spike Dudley and The Hurricane. Kane tosses Gunn, then Kane tries to drop Benoit, but he catches the apron and rolls back in. Show, Train, and Morgan attack Kane, beating him down and trying to get him eliminated. #21- Rhyno is up next and Kane’s odds are not good at this point. After two minutes of nearly unfathomable odds, Kane sees some relief when #22- Booker T enters the ring. Booker comes to Kane’s aid, and delivers the big red monster from the beating. #23- Charlie Haas comes in and ignores the brawl, focusing on Benoit. Benoit and Hass go toe to toe until #24- Shelton Benjamin comes in and Benoit is once again the victim of a two on one, but this time from his own brand’s talents. #25- Chris Jericho enters the ring and tries to help Booker T out. Christian pops his head out from under the ring to look around, and then goes back under. #26- John Cena hits the ring and double clotheslines Hass and Benjamin over the top rope. Cena helps Benoit up and then the two shake hands and then begin a struggle to toss the other over. #27- Randy Orton comes down and gets right in between Cena and Benoit, trying to dump them both. #28- RVD hits the ring and attacks Orton throwing him over the top rope. Cena then nails RVD, sending him over. Benoit then dumps Cena from behind. Chris Jericho & Booker T jointly dump A-Train, and then move to help Kane with Show, Morgan & Rhyno. #29- Kurt Angle comes down and attacks Benoit. Show and Rhyno dump Kane over the top rope! , while Morgan succeeds in pulling Jericho over with him, as Booker send the rookie over the top. #30- Goldberg hits the ring and spears Big Show. Booker T dumps Rhyno over the top. Benoit succeeds in dropping Angle, after Eddie Guerrero comes down and distracts the Olympic Hero. They brawl to the back as officials try to separate them. Christian gets into the ring and is immediately tossed over by Goldberg. Booker T and Goldberg come to blows, and Goldberg succeeds in dropping Booker. Lesnar comes down and spears Goldberg, allowing Big Show to dump him. Benoit then comes off the top with a huge drop kick, sending Big Show over the top and winning the Rumble!
-Tazz gets in the ring to interview Benoit about the win and Cena comes down to congratulate him. Tazz says that Benoit now gets to meet Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania 20. Benoit corrects Tazz saying that he will not be facing Lesnar at Mania, because his Smackdown contract ended last night at midnight. Benoit is a free agent, and if Eric Bischoff is willing to offer him a nice deal, he wants to face Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 20! Tazz is shocked, and Heyman comes down to the ring to complain. Bischoff appears on the big screen and tells Heyman that he can consider the first shot fired in the war between Raw and Smackdown!
Thanks for reading, as always, comments are welcome.
THE TWO SHEDS REVIEW
By: Julian Radbourne
When one thinks back to the glory days of Extreme Championship Wrestling, one also thinks of the many great stars that graced Paul Heyman’s renegade company – Raven, Rhyno, Tazz, the Sandman, the Dudleys, and many more. But one man who, more often than not, tends to get overlooked is Steven Richards.
For most of his time in ECW, Richards served many in the role of sidekick, often being teamed with the likes of Raven, or the Blue Meanie in the legendary Blue World Order, one of the best wrestling parodies of the nineties. But the fact that he was very often another guy’s stool pigeon meant he never really had the chance to shine.
It was pretty much the same when he first arrived in the WWE a few years back. After a brief stint in WCW, and a knee injury that nearly ended his career, Richards turned up in McMahon land, and looked totally lost. For most of the time, he would be seen in the background when other things happened, or, as he did in ECW, he would parody other stars, as well as reuniting with the Blue Meanie. But the fact that he was hardly being used was a great shame.
Around the same time, the WWE were having trouble with the Parents Television Council. The PTC were giving the television censors a hard time because of the WWE’s programme content. They claimed the so-called Attitude era was harming America’s youth, and the WWE’s portrayal of certain characters was doing a great deal of damage to those companies who purchased advertising segments during the WWE’s television shows.
Although the WWE would later go on to win the impending court case against the PTC, it didn’t stop the creative team from coming up with their own answer to the PTC – the Right To Censor – or RTC. However, if this new heel faction was ever going to succeed, it needed a spokesman, someone who was competent on the microphone, who could get the RTC’s message across clearly and strongly. That man was Steven Richards.
With a short hair cut and dressed in a white shirt and black tie, Richards’ new character went on a verbal rampage against the WWE, criticising everything from programme content to the wrestler’s themselves. The RTC faction promised a great deal, and could have been a great deal better – if the wrestlers chosen for the faction had themselves been better.
Bull Buchanan had previously served in another faction – the Truth Commission, which had bombed and was discarded when the mighty Kurrgen became a freak and formed the Oddities. A brief stint as the Big Boss Man’s sidekick also did nothing for him, mainly because of the fans dislike for the Boss Man. Buchanan soon swapped the Boss Man’s flack jacket for the RTC’s shirt and tie, but it still did nothing for him.
Charles Wright had finally succeeded in the WWE has the Godfather, the federation’s fun-loving, good-time guy. Having largely failed as the voodoo-loving Papa Shango, and as Kama Mustafa, the ultimate fighting machine who later joined Farooq’s Nation of Domination, Wright struck gold as the WWE’s fun-loving, good-time guy, coming down to the ring in garishly coloured outfits and accompanied by an ever growing collection of lovely ladies. At a time when the WWE used sex to sell their product, the Godfather character fitted in perfectly at the time. However, when the RTC was formed, he became one of their first targets, and it wasn’t long before he was swapping his garish garments for the RTC’s shirt and tie, and changing his name to the Goodfather.
At the height of the Attitude era, Shawn Morley had been tearing up a storm with his Val Venis porn-star character. Like the Godfather, the character was perfect for the times. He was a former Intercontinental Champion who had enjoyed a tremendous amount of success with high-profile feuds against Goldust and Taka Michinoku’s Kai-En-Tai faction. However, after a while, the character had become a little stale, and for story line purposes, he was the perfect target for Richards’ brand of brainwashing.
Ivory was at the time the best women’s wrestler in the company. Having held the women’s title on a number of occasions, the RTC needed a woman who would rebel against the type of female athlete the WWE were trying to portray – emphasizing T&A over in-ring wrestling skill. Ivory swapped her somewhat skimpy ring outfits for a white blouse and long-skirt, and as someone who was also competent on the microphone, she was the perfect foil for Richards.
The RTC concept promised much. In Richards they had the perfect spokesman, a man who knew his ring craft well, and when it was called for, could play the cowardly, managerial type, the likes of which hadn’t been seen in the WWE since the heyday of Bobby Heenan or Jimmy Hart. However, the inclusion of Buchanan and the Goodfather probably hurt the group’s chances of ever making it big.
Despite showing some flashes of brilliance at times, Buchanan was never going to get over with the fans, while the Goodfather was, in the opinion of many, a step backwards for Wright’s career. Fans wanted to see him dancing to the ring and having a good time. They didn’t want him preaching to them about abstinence.
When Buchanan and the Goodfather captured the tag-team championship from the Hardy Boys, many fans scratched their heads. As a team, the Hardys were far superior, and at the time, there were a number of other teams who would have made better tag-team champions. Yet the creative bods insisted on giving the belts to a team that were falling flat on their faces.
Although the RTC enjoyed fleeting moments of success in short feuds and altercations with the Rock and Billy Gunn, it is events outside the ring that possibly killed the idea. It was Jerry Lawler’s idea that his then-wife, Stacy “The Cat” Carter, be placed with the group. At the time Carter was well-known for taking the majority of her clothes off, and was the fist women ever to show her “puppies” on live WWE pay-per-view. Having Carter virtually kidnapped and forced into the group would have made for good television, but at the same time, Carter was becoming a pain in the backside backstage, and Vince McMahon had no choice but to release Carter from her contract. Showing a great deal of loyalty to his wife, Lawler walked as well. It wasn’t long before the RTC curled up it’s tootsies.
The Right To Censor concept probably failed because of the choice of it’s members. Richards was a more than capable leader of the group. He was perfect for the role. However, Buchanan and the Goodfather were never anything more than lower mid-card talent, who were never going to get over in this gimmick. Val Venis could have gone onto greater things, but like the Goodfather, the fans wanted to see the old Val, and not this version of the Big Valbowski.
At the time, there were a great number of other wrestlers who would have been better as members of the RTC. This faction had great promise, and at a time when the WWE was taking a great deal of heat over it’s product content, if more high-profile names had been added to the group, then it’s entirely possible that an RTC member could have actually become a top contender for the WWE title. This would have done far more the group as a whole.
But it was never meant to be. After the Cartler/Lawler situation, the RTC never recovered. The group was disbanded, and it’s members went separate ways. The promising WWE career of Steven Richards was once again at a standstill.
Don’t forget to vote in the Two Sheds Review Wrestling Awards 2003. Polling closes on January 31st, and you can register your votes by logging onto my website at www.twoshedsreview.vze.com.
“ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE”
“YES VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS”
“THE SIGN SAYS ‘WRESTLING,’ NOT ‘THE McMAHON HORSESH*T HOUR”
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/samjerry
I know you need another NITRO II recap like General Custer needed more Native Americans, but no cure has been found for the Terminal Writers Block that I told you I was afflicted with. I promise to try to do it with a minimal amount of pain inflicted.
We began with The Crotch telling the troops that Good Old Eric (GOE) had secured to rights to the No. 30 Entry in The Royal Rumble (RR). How he did it is a mystery, but since he isn’t there, he may be at home (or in a hospital) being treated for Terminal Knee Syndrome. For the medically challenged, this disease is usually contracted from prolonged periods of kneeling on your knees (and it’s not for praying). It is quite common in San Francisco, where the first case was diagnosed many years ago.
But I digress, Y2Jockstrap stepped forward and asked for the spot in payment for the favor GOE owed him from Survivor Series. Crotch then announced he was acting NITRO II General Manager in the absence of GOE. This is like appointing Michael Jackson Head Cub Scout Master. He said that all who had not secured a spot in RR yet would be involved in matches tonight and the winners would meet in an Over-The-Top Rope Battle Royal (BR) as the Main Event, with the winner getting No. 30. For the uninitiated among you, the winner is a foregone conclusion. The Main Event at Wrestlemania XX (WM) is scheduled to be $oldberg v. Godzilla, in a crossover match between NITRO II and SmackDown. What we will see is a bunch of matches leading up to $oldie winning the BR. On the positive side, we will avoid a McMahon-A-Thon and see more wrestling. On the downside, does this mean we wont get to see Delicious Trish and Leg? Is it worth it? A close call. BTW, as if it matters, Crotch said any outside interference would result in the offender being eliminated from contention. Since $oldie is going to win, what the F difference does it make? Crotch is off to a monumental start as acting GM. With any luck, he’ll stay away from the announcers, but I suspect that’s too much to hope for.
Tonight we are in Green Bay, WI, the city that sees the sun every August 7th, between 2 and 3PM, whether they need it or not. The rotund Okie and The King (of Puppies) are at the desk (so far, no Crotch) as the first match, a Tag Team Event pitting RVD and Booger T v. Christian, The Canadian Asshole and Lita‘s main squeeze Matthew Hardy. The winners both get spots in The BR later tonight. A typical RVD Match, with lots of high flying moves. RVD nails Mr. Hardy with a Five Star Splash and pins him. RVD and Booger T move on, The Asshole and Matthew head for a cool one to lament their missed opportunity. To the absolute delight of the entire civilized world, we are spared a Stinkaroonie from Booger T.
The Okie announces that the $oldberg v. Roid Man has been changed to a Triple Threat Match, with the addition of Testicle. The only suspense about this match is who $oldie will pin to win the match. I scheduled a short nap during this potential Match-Of-The-Year candidate. Pass the Nytol.
Oh sh*t! Crotch has joined the announce team. Just when I thought it was safe to keep the TV volume up.
Next match is Y2Jockstrap v. Chirac of The Froggies. Where is DeGaulle? … not that he will interfere or anything. Jockstrap goes for a Lionsault, but Chirac gets his knees up and almost pins Jockstrap. Not to worry, no chance Jockstrap will lose … he didn’t. One Walls of Jericho later and Jockstrap moves on to BR. Chirac? When last seen he was surrendering to a fire hydrant, and asking for political asylum.
The latest Cowboy Bob III punked Mick Foley out ad was aired.
During the break (if anyone cares), CNN projected John Kerry as the winner of the Iowa Caucus. Last time CNN projected anything correctly was during The First Gulf War, when they projected The USA would defeat Iraq.
Backstage The Canadian Asshole congratulated Jockstrap on winning, but begged him to use his Survivor Series favor and give him Jockstrap’s spot in BR. He would have a better chance of scoring with Delicious Trish. Jockstrap told him he would get his chance (in the ring, not with Delicious) someday.
We were graced with a video showing the history between HHH and The Over-The-Hill-Kid, as a build up to their Last Man Standing World Championship Match at RR.
The next match pits The World’s Sweatiest Man, with Teddy “Whitey Sucks” Long v. Ru Paul’s favorite (and she likes his wrestling also), the resplendent Rico, with Tough Enough’s Hot Tub girl, Miss Jackie. The match no sooner begins and Rico lays a wet one on Teddy’s dome, pissing Teddy off. I suspect this will come back to haunt Rico, belee dat! Sweaty Guy slammed Rico into the mat, thru it, and twelve feet into the ground. Miss Jackie had to remove him with a blotter. Sweaty Guy moves on to BR.
Cowboy Bob III and The Next, Next Big Thing are backstage reading the latest NITRO II magazine. Enter Slick Ric, who told them how wonderful they both were, especially admiring Thing’s muscles. Hmmm, you think Slickie has switched teams? He says Evolution will rule at RR.
A video of Maven (Maven?) eliminating The Taker at the 2002 RR was shown. Talk about pushing a loser!
Next match is Little Spike Dudley v. The Monster. Hell, The Monster passes things bigger than Spike, that plus he looks hungry. Spike will make a nice appetizer, with half the population (267 – Unofficial Count) of Green Bay as his main course. Miracles do happen, as Spike shoves the referee who thinks it was The Monster. He DQ’s The Monster and races for the airport as fat as his fat little legs will carry him. Since Monster will not be in the RR, does that mean we may see him and The Taker there? Since the referee was long gone, Monster took his frustrations out on poor Spike. Spike was saved from a Tombstone by the entire referee corps.
Another flash from CNN, confirming that Dick Gephardt is throwing the towel in. Looks like he’ll have to return to his home and pray for a political appointment. I hear there is an Ambassador’s job vacant – Ambassador to Antarctica. No people, but a sh*tload of penguins.
Next up is the Triple Threat Match pitting $oldberg v. Roid Man v. Testicle. As expected $oldberg was double teamed for a good part of the match. Also, as expected the anti-$oldberg alliance fell apart. In a stunning upset, $oldberg nailed Testicle with a Jackhammer, while Roid Man was taking a nap on the floor. What do you know, $oldie is in BR. Will wonders ever cease.
The Okie ran thru the list of winners who will be in BR. If you haven’t been keeping score, here they are: RVD, Booger T, Jockstrap, Sweaty Man, Spike and $oldberg.
Crotch introduced the latest Cowboy ‘Pissing On Mick’s Parade’ video.
Backstage, Sheriff Stone Cold Beer Man (SCBM) watched the video and wasn’t real happy. He took off on his ATV, almost running down Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade. Close is only good in horse shoes, darts and hand grenades.
SCBM rode to the ring and opined what’s going on with Foley … walking out on a match and allowing Cowboy Bob to make a joke out of him. He went over his history with Foley and said when Cowboy spit in Foley’s face, he was spitting on the business and SCBM. As sheriff, he ordered Foley to show up at RR and kick Cowboy’s derriere. If he fails to show, he will be considered a law breaker and Sheriff SCBM will ride his ATV to Foley’s house and drag his ass to RR. A couple of cool ones and SCBM rode off into the sunset … oops, this is Green Bay and there isn’t any sun. OK, he rode off into the snow. Is it just me? Does anyone else think The Sheriff routine sucks?
Backstage Lard Ass is bitching at Trish. The Canadian Asshole came over and Lard Ass waddled off. He tells Trish he knows she doesn’t want to play house with Jockstrap. In an Academy Award performance, she agrees. He then whips out a bunch of pictures of Jockstrap with a bunch of other femmes fatales taken last week. He smiles; she continues her stellar “broken heart” routine. A hand for Trish … mine please.
Next Match is a Ladies Match, pitting Lita v. The Ugliest Thing On Two (or is it three)? Legs, Jazz, accompanied by Teddy, belee dat! It’s a good thing Ugly can wrestle, because she’ll never make a buck any other way. Lita nails The Beast with The Twist of Fate, however, Teddy has the referee distracted. Lita tried to get the referee to earn his money, but The Beast rolled her up and pinned her. It was Beast That Killed The Beauty.
Ms. 44 DDD is backstage with The Green Flying Thing. He will face Cowboy Bob III for the remaining spot in BR. Have you even wondered how Ms. 44 DDD manages to stand straight up? It appears to defy gravity.
We see a couple of Green Bay Packers in the crowd. They are looking for one of Brett Favre’s “errant” throws.
The Okie shows yet another Mick Foley punked out ads.
Next match is Greenie v. Cowboy. Alas, as hard as he fought, Greenie was no match for Cowboy Bob. He flew and flew, but was swatted down. He read the story of David and Goliath (he borrowed it from Spike) earlier in the evening and actually thought he might win. Note To Green Slime: That only happens in The Bible. Cowboy goes on to BR.
Slick Rick and The Next, Next Big Thing joined Cowboy in the ring to celebrate his victory. Rosey, The S.H.I.T. came to see how Greenie was, and was nailed by Slickie for his efforts. This was followed by a Power Bomb by The Next, Next Big Thing. The Dudley Boyz to the rescue. They put Slickie on an Acme Table, but before they could launch him, Crotch got on the PA system and said, “No F’N way,” and then he came to the ring. Do you see anything wrong with this picture? As he headed down, Slickie was pulled out of harm’s way. Not being the brightest bulb in the box, Crotch told The Boyz to get lost. They did … after putting his sorry ass thru the table with a 3-D.
Backstage we see Jockstrap and Sweaty Man arguing. Jockstrap wondered what about Sweat Man smelled so bad. Sweaty Man said it was his “stank,” and if Jockstrap gets close to Trish again, he’ll smell the “stank” all over her. I think I’m going to hurl.
The Okie says Spike wont be in BR, as he hasn’t been put back together yet.
The Okie agrees with The King that if Foley doesn’t show at RR, he is a coward.
We go to WWE HQ, where Taz(z) and Michael Cole give us the SmackDown portion of RR. Not to be out done, The Okie and The King do the same for NITRO II.
Main Event time – The Over-The-Top Rope BR for the No. 30 spot at RR, with RVD, Booger T, Jockstrap, Cowboy Bob II, Sweaty Man and the designated winner, $oldberg participating. Lots of same old-same old moves (Five Star Splash by RVD, Lionsault by Jockstrap, Spear by You-Know-Who, etc.). They went out in the following order: RVD, Booger T, Jockstrap, Sweaty Man, Cowboy Bob III (who landed on Slickie and The Next, Next Big Thing as they just happened to stroll down to the ring at the right moment). The surprise winner is … $oldberg. You gotta trust me. He gets the No. 30 spot at RR. Bring Godzilla on.
Before I return to my Rocking Chair (Manufactured by The Acme Rocking Chair and Chicken Plucking Company, Division of The Acme Corporation, I’d like to cover a couple of Housekeeping items (How about that for being Corporately correct!).
1. I want to thank everyone who voted for me as Best Columnist in any of the various Best of 2003 Polls that have been conducted. Not to blow my own horn, but I won every one that I know of. I guess that means you like the crap I lay on you, either that or maybe you figured that if I won, I’d go away. Whatever the case, thanks again … I truely appreciate it.
2. I never mention commercials, but I think I have seen the ad for Playstation 2 – Final Fantasy X-2 so many F’N times, I can repeat it by heart. I think the manufacturer is doing nothing but pissing people off by having it run every chance they get. Maybe they need a marketing lesson from Bobby Joe Ray Dudley, Marketing Director for The Acme Corporation. He sells more useless sh*t than does the originator of selling crap nobody wants or needs, but always includes a free, even more useless item, The Popeil Company.
Enjoy the Rumble?
Guys, I have no time to pimp everyone with links, but I will say that you need to go to TBL and check out the Royal Rumble Roundtable, A nifty article by Sparko, and a ton of extras that will leave your mouths watering.
Check Out Roland’s Website: Salty Ham!
Copyright © 1999 – 2004