This is Basic Thuganomics
This is ba-Basic Thuganomics
I’m untouchable but I’m forcin’ you to feel me
This is bas-Basic thuga-thuga-Thuganomics
I’m untouchable but I’m forcin’ you to feel me
This is RAW Rage #20!
And in honor of this momentous occasion – we have a very special guest with us today. That’s right people – you voted and now he is here – the one, the only – JOHN CENA!
Yo, Yo, Yo, John! How is the Master of Thuganomics?
Good man. It’s a thrill to be here.
…okay. Everything alright? You seem a little…
A little what?
Well, I mean, you seem different.
Where’s the “rap”? Where’s the whole attitude? The hand signals? The pulling the chain thing?
Look man, that’s a character I do on the show. I’m not really like that. I’m not even a big fan of rap music. I like Heavy Metal. Haven’t you ever noticed that when I do the “word-life” sign with my hands, it’s really just the classic metal “devil” sign they used to make in the eighties – only I use two hands?
But John – my readers are expecting John Cena.
This is John Cena. You don’t really think I go around rapping all the time, do you?
Vince McMahon pays me good money to do that. Are you paying me anything to be here?
And you told me to just be myself and we would watch RAW and review it. You didn’t say anything about rapping.
I mean, it gets a little bit irritating that whenever I do anything or go anywhere, people always want me to rap. They want me to give them the sign. They want me to act all crazy like I do on TV. That’s not me all the time.
I know, but…
I got a LIFE outside wrestling, kid. What, you think you can play? Want me to pull my chain and make a sign? Brush my shoulders and say O…..kay?
I didn’t mean to offend…
You want me to act like my character? I’ve read you on your little website. You think you’re real funny. About as funny as JJ Walker’s, “Dyn-O-mite!”
That’s a bit obscure.
So let’s just do RAW Rage. You can’t get Cena for free. If you don’t stop all the demands – I’ll wave my hand like this and you won’t see me.
Whoa! Where did he go?
Chill, chill. I’m right here.
When you do that, it freaks me out. Okay, so without further ado – let’s get to the RAW Rage Champion for the week. I would have used the normal stuff, but I’m still pretty mad at Best Buy, so here is Jay to shed some more insight on what it’s like to work there:
I used to work at best buy, man was I shocked to see how they do business. I worked with them Part time at a brand new store that wasn’t even opened yet. Talk about a nightmare. First we had these meetings on the weekends to learn about best buy. These sessions were 8 hours and was like being in a cheesy infomercial. We had to do a cheer every time we had any kind of break. I’m all for building up the team Idea but this was totally lame and there were a few times I wanted to walk out, but I really needed the cash so I stuck it out. So we end up getting to the new store and actually start stocking it, putting up displays and what not. Every time we got to work, took a break, went to lunch and then got back from anything, they wanted us to do even more cheers. The managers were all cheez balls. Imagine mid 20’s guys still living at their parents house and looking like they are high school drop outs. I had enough of it after 3 weeks (2 weekends of the best buy summer camp (it seemed like a summer camp) crap, 1 week in the store). Best Buy is still one of my favorite stores only because of what kinds of things they sell, but it isn’t in the same light as other electronics stores.
I purchased a CD player from best buy way back in the day, when cd’s first came out, and luckily I bought the warranty. It was my first big purchase (like 150 bucks), and about a week later it broke. Luckily they sent it back, because it couldn’t be fixed, and I got a new one that I still use today, it’s been almost 10 years.
I’m kind of a computer nerd, I went to school for it. When I’m not watching sports or rasslin’ I’m messing around with my computers (yes I have more than one, I have a closet full of parts, I’m a junky heh). Their prices on computer items isn’t very good, and when they do have a sale, everything seems to be mail-in rebates, which are a pain in the butt. The only reason I go there is when they have a pc/ps2 game or maybe a movie on sale.
Bottom line is that it was like working at grocery store with electronics instead of food. Young kids and managers who shouldn’t manage anyone.
Wanna win RAW Rage? I guarantee that you’ll win if you send me a Best Buy horror story – or possibly any inside info like Jay. Any time you send a B.B. story to me – I will make sure it gets in the Rage somehow – because I am at war with that company until they FIX MY TV!!! And even then, I’m not through! Oh no! I will be on them like stink on “you know what” until I either get an apology or free stuff. I prefer free stuff. So Email me your Best Buy stories and you will probably win. You could always just write about RAW and win, but since none of you do that now, I thought I’d give you a break.
Oh, and just to throw some more fuel on the fire – Mrs. G called them today and told them that I wrote for a website and would talk bad about them – but they didn’t care. You see, they don’t think YOU PEOPLE matter. So, send them a message by emailing me.
Yo, chill dawg. So Best Buy is screwing with your mind. If you want results, throw John Cena on the case. It won’t take me long – I’ll set fire to the place. Their blue shirts will burn. It will be such a pity. I’ll make it so red in there – it will look like Circuit City.
Let’s do RAW.
RAW IS ROLAND
Fairly LIVE from Boston, Mass. (So sorry to hear about those Red Sox. Cena’s got his Yankee jersey on – he’s such a heel…at least for now)
-Joe Millionaire is on. I swear, they are keeping that Olinda on the show because they need the evil girl to drive up the ratings. And they are doing two hours tonight, so I will miss some because of BEST BUY! I could be taping it on the other TV!
-Music, Pyro – same as always.
–Lita comes out. She talks about how much she has come through and her accomplishments – but none will be as great as when she beats Molly Holly this week (not like the time Chyna whupped her). Of course – The H’s can’t have anyone getting more time than him – so he and Evolution (minus Flair) come down to the ring. I guess he’s had enough of Stephanie – right John?
Yo! Chill! I wanna keep my job.
Wimp. Anyway, Trips offers Lita a dollar to either strip or get out. She does. She knows her place. Trips is here to congratulate Batista for his work on Goldberg a few weeks ago. And after Dave is through with Goldy tonight, Trips is taking him completely out at Survivor Series. Austin interrupts this party and gets all up in Evolution’s face. He tells all of them to take a hike. Orton spouts his mouth off by saying he will be the one to end Austin’s GM career. Austin dismisses him and asks Trippers if he wants a match tonight. Trippers does not. So, Austin tells him to leave – since the WWE is really all about the wrestling and all. Then Batista calls Austin a coward. Austin can’t wait till he can slap the taste out of all their mouths and calls security down to escort Mr. H out of the building tonight. Security surrounds the H’s, but he will leave only because he wants to. And he will sue anyone that even THINKS about touching him or his boys. My wife is hot for Batista. Sadly, I cannot compare to that much man. Eww, that sounded gross.
Yo, Roland. You need to control your scene. You’re woman likes Batista? That dude’s mean. He’ll crush you into little bits. He’s built like a rock. You think he’s really big…
Okay, just stop there. I didn’t like where that was going.
-Team Bischoff laughs at Austin backstage so Team Austin backs him up. They all shout at each other and I get a little nauseous looking at Mark Henry’s junk.
Yo! Why you even looking?
I can’t help it – it’s always right there for everyone to see.
You got a point. It makes me tense. Why does he wear such tight clothes? It doesn’t make any sense.
-True dat. RVD vs Christian (for the IC Title). Poor Christian. His depush as been accelerated. And since he has zero chance of winning – this match doesn’t count as any kind of real title shot. Christian tried to cheat, but lost anyway by froggy.
-Shane O gets a table for two at some restaurant.
-Hey – there’s your new commercial, John. YJ Stinger. Nice.
More than nice, my commercial is phat. I challenge anyone to come up with something as sweet as that. My commercial is dope – better than Little `Naitche. You will drink the stinger. Or they will go back to the H.
-Coach (meow, meow, meow) comes out to the ring and give a message from Bischoff to Lillian Garcia. She is through for the night. Coachman will be the ring announcer tonight. He is actually funny when he tells her to , “Get to steppin’.”
-La Resistance (Conway and Dupree) vs. Hurricane and Rosey. This match is due to some shenanigans that happened on Heat. Since I don’t watch that show, I don’t care about this match. Hurricane did try a chockslam – but I thought he was told not to do that. La Res cheats and wins.
-Lita and Terri speak about a tag match they have tonight. Bischoff dismisses Terri and talks to Lita. He threatens her to make nice nice with him if she wants to keep her job after he becomes sole GM after Sunday.
-That Limp Bizcut song makes me turn the channel over to Joe Millionaire.
-Jericho pumps up Team Bischoff. What a coach he is. Orton comes in late though and proceeds to make the whole team mad by being arrogant. TEDDY LONG then has the line of the night: “That is one cocky cracker.”
-Val Venus brings in some hoes for Lance Storm. He comes out of the shower and the girls are impressed by his…ahem…maleness.
-Shano O sits at his table, looking over the menu. Man, I’m glad he didn’t have to work tonight…oh wait…
-Sting O the Night: Lita saving Terri last week and getting plowed for her trouble.
-Lita/Terri vs. Molly/Gail Kim. Terri is in a regular dress tonight because she didn’t know she would be in a match. Molly holds the ropes and pins Lita. Then the heels strip Terri to her bra and thong. We’ve seen Terri’s body so much that it doesn’t really register anymore.
-HBK walks all determined backstage.
–Randy Orton vs. HBK. Flair is out of town for “personal reasons.” Whatever that is.
He’s jet flying and limousine riding.
Probably. This was a pretty fun match until the ref got bumped. Orton tried to hit Shawn with a chair but HBK reverses and does it to Orton first. Then he gets the Sweet Chin Music on and Orton returns that J.O.B.
-Shane eats some dinner when Kane shows up for their date. $10 says Shane puts out by the end of the night. He just looks easy. That, and Kane is going to buy him the lobster.
-Kane and Shane talk about their blowoff match at SS. Kane gets to Shane by mentioning his momma. He also admits that the only reason he roasted Shane’s chestnuts that one week was because he wanted to rob Shane of having children. I guess that didn’t work out since a rug rat is on the way for Shane. Man, this date is going right down hill for these two. But you can still feel the sexual tension. Shane claims that Kane is afraid and even brings up Taker for no reason. Shane then pays and leaves. Well, first date stuff – you know. These two are still meant for each other.
-WWE Rewind: The Klondike Boys lose last week.
-The Duds vs. Steiner (with a reluctant Stacey) and Mark Henry (with a willing Teddy) (Non Title). Cade and Jindrak watch backstage. So, since I don’t care about this match, let me ask you John – I hear your making a rap CD.
You know it.
At least promise me this: when you go to advertise it – don’t do like Macho man. Every time I go to 1wrestling, I have to be scared out of my mind when all of a sudden, I hear, “CLICK HERE AND BUY MY CD. OH YEAH!”
The Macho has no skills. I used to be a fan. But his raps are as bad as his fighting. He lost to Spiderman. When he talks, I get scared. Seeing all those neck veins. I wouldn’t listen to that guy rap. I’d rather be beat with a hundred canes.
-Okay. So the Duds set up a 3-D but Steiner hits them both with a chair and get DQ’ed. Steiner and Henry beat the Duds down.
-Austin gets confronted by Bischoff. He wants to know how it feels that Austin might get put out of business by the same guy that Austin helped put out of business. Austin just looks at him all dumb.
-L (can’s spell his first name) James is back to watch more wrestling. So are the New England Patriots (whom my Cowboys play next Sunday Night.)
-Some gal brings Jericho his water 15 minutes late – so Jericho has to go off on her. It’s his duty, really. Unfortunately, Trish hears all this – but Jericho recovers nicely. Jericho asks her out (awww) and she accepts. They are gonna go out after the show.
-JR throws it to Tazz and Cole for them to hype the SD side of SS. Then JR and King do the same for the RAW side.
-Booker T reads some book called Unscripted. John H wants to get one for Little Johnny. A knock comes and John goes to answer it – only to find a mysterious note for Booker that simply reads: “I Still Remember (What You Did Last Summer).” Booker ain’t got time for all that.
-Booker T vs. Jericho. So, is every member of Team Bischoff going to lose tonight? Yes. Because Booker gets a funky rollup for the pin. Jericho snaps and gets the Walls on Book. Team Bischoff come down to help with the beating – this, in turn, brings out Team Austin to fend them off. Coach announces that Jericho won the match (according to him), so Team Austin get him in the ring and he gets a 3-D.
-A Kane/Shane video package. The production crew still rules.
-JR and King pimp that Unscripted book again.
-Batista vs. Goldberg. Goldy limps out – remembering to sell. Short, pointless match because Trippers comes out and interferes by taking out Goldy’s leg and then giving him a pedigree. Trips goes for the sledgehammer and is going to really hurt Goldy’s ankle when The Berg gets up and spears the H’s. Batista gets a sledge to the abdomen and Trips escape. The staredown.
You know, I really thought this week was better than last. Trips lent a bit of good to the show and it was a much better hype job for the PPV than SD has been.
Yo! What did you say???
Nothing. I give this show a 5.
When I’m DONE – I’ll sign my name. Now shut up and keep reading.
Don’t tell me to chill. You’re just a tweener, you’re not a face yet – I don’t have to listen to you.
If you want to get me mad, Roland – just keep talking. I’ll slap your face off your head – if you keep up that mocking.
Hmmm, that wasn’t your best rhyme.
They can’t all be jewels.
Point taken. Let’s do the RRP. This weeks reader pick comes from our old friend Trevor. If you didn’t know, Trevor is the guy who keeps us all up to date on NWA:TNA – because most of us are too cheap to buy a weekly PPV. You can enjoy his Headlines and Scrutiny right here. Got something to say John?
Who watches something that you can’t see for free? NWA:TNA? They can’t see me! Jeff Jarrett, Shark Boy, and now Hacksaw? Luger is going there because no one watches that, not even the law. They got Sting and Hogan and they think they can compete – oh no! I’ll shove that2x4 where the sun don’t shine – see how many times Duggan says “HOOOOOOOOO!”
Now that’s some Def poetry, my friends.
TWW time. I’ve got two. I’m not a cow – I don’t say, “Mooo.”
Yo, Roland! Leave the rapping to the professionals, aight?
Okay. Like I said, I have two TWW’s today because one is so odd, I couldn’t justify just doing one. The first, is some weird Japanese cartoon that I can’t make heads or tales of – but still makes me laugh. Check out the genius of Kikko Man. I swear, you’ll have the song stuck in your head all day long – “Show Me. Show You. Kikko Man! Kikko Man!” And, because Kikko Man is too confusing for any of us – here is The Worst Album Covers of All Time. Make sure your album has a better cover than that, John.
Dawg, there is no way.
And, last – but certainly not least – we have the TBL and WOW Revolution Newsletter. The thing has been growing pretty steady for a while now and I’m proud to say that it will get even better as time goes on. So, if you haven’t signed up for it yet – click here and do it already. You know your going to at some point, anyway.
Well, I guess that about “raps” it up. Hee Hee. Right John? “Raps” it up?
Roland, sometimes you’re so corny, you make my head hurt. Why don’t you go drink some milk, like your other buddy, Kurt. In all seriousness – RAW Rage has been blast. Twenty down, a thousand to go – I don’t think your gonna last. Roland wanted me to mention something – it will mess up your plumbing. Don’t let it scare you though – Salty Ham is Coming!