Before we start, let me say that the intro and closing to this was written yesterday. If anything is dated – it’s because my UPN affiliate decided that a Mavericks game (that they lost because I did a voodoo hex on them) was more important than me watching Smackdown and reporting it for you. Blame them. Oh, and there is a special message at the end.
Judge: I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your children, you’ll have to complete a course called “Family Skills”. It teaches parents to listen to their —
Homer: Communication, gotcha.
Judge: But it’s important to —
Homer: Listen, yes, I know.
Judge: But there’s more to it than —
Homer: I have listening skills!
Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please —
Homer: Shut up, Judge!
I could easily do Simpson’s stuff from here on out.
I’m in a bad mood today. If you want to know why, then click here and find out why. Then come back. Go ahead – I’ll wait.
Okay, to update the story – I called over there and got real mean with the supervisor. In the middle of the anger – she told me that the repair guy now has the part and will be over tomorrow to fix the problem. Of course, the question should be asked – was the part over-nighted to the technician and he’s had it all this time??? Maybe I’ll ask him that tomorrow.
It still didn’t do a whole lot to brighten my mood – so Smackdown may suffer for it. Maybe it will such a GREAT show that I can’t help but be happy again. Then again, maybe not.
Salty Ham is coming…
So, to brighten my mood – lets have an Ask Roland. Each and every week, someone who has emailed me a question will have yours truly answer it as best he can. The question can be ANYTHING – about wrestling, about love, about finances, about my television that can’t seem to get fixed because some idiots up at Best Buy can’t poke their heads out of their hind quarters long enough to figure out which end is really up or down – anything!
Today’s question is about people who’s social skills involve unconventional means. Here is the question: Which is dorkier, dorks who play Dungeons and Dragons in their basements or National Monopoly Tournament participants, link here?
Roland’s Answer: Good question, geek. I went to the link you provided and saw what you saw. And while my first inclination was to say that the Monopoly players were “dorkier” – I remembered something. I too, at one time, played D&D. Now, normally, that might make you think that I would be biased in the other direction – it has not. I remember what it was like to have that little pouch full of 8, 10, and 20 sided dice. I remember listening intensely as one of my friends told us about the band of Hob Goblins that were headed our way. I remember hearing and saying these words: “Dude, don’t be stupid. An Elf wouldn’t act that way. Make decisions like your character would.” I know what THACO is. And let me tell you something – I am ashamed. Probably as ashamed as I will one day be when I admit to others that, not only did I watch wrestling – I WROTE ABOUT IT ON A WEBSITE! So, yeah – D&D players are the greater dorks. Those Monopoly people just love buying Park Place over and over again. Or maybe they just like being the shoe – I don’t know. I used to play Magic: The Gathering in tournaments too. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I CAN’T STOP ADMITTING MY DORKINESS!!!!
Thanks again for the question. Well, this depletes my supply of questions. I’m out right now – so feel free to send me some more. Fill my inbox with your questions! I made it easy for you – just click anywhere on this paragraph and it becomes a link to my inbox. If you are having trouble with sending something there – as some have noted – feel free to go to my blog site, linked below and above, and throw a comment in the squak box and I’ll sent you another – super private – email link.
Let’s do Smackdown.
Smackdown Rage #5
LAYING THE SMACKETH DOWN ON ROLAND
11/6/03 (More than a month since my TV died)
Taped on Tuesday from Buffalo, New York (Home of the Buffalo’s that have wings, dontcha know?)
-I get an odd feed. I start JIP with Eddie fighting the Bashams. Something’s wrong in Smackdown Land. I watch as the Bashams try the switcheroo again but this time Eddie steals the amazon’s whip and spanks the ref with it and hands it to Doug (or maybe it’s Danny – I wasn’t paying attention). The ref sees it – and Eddie gets a quick rollup for the win. Chavo comes down to celebrate with Eddie.
-The video cuts and now I’m watching Cena rapping at Rey Rey. No, this isn’t irritating or anything. Cena makes fun of Mysterio’s height – there is much homoerotic tension and gestures – and Rey gives that look where he stares all wide-eyed with his freak eyes and his mouth open. Man, does he ever look really dumb when he does that. I’m confused by what I’m seeing because I’m not sure if we are starting with the right match or what. Stupid UPN affiliate. Cena and Rey have a match and John hits some mean looking moves that look like they really hurt. Of course, this IS professional wrestling and that’s how it’s supposed to look – but it still looked stiff to me. Cena cheats with a low blow – gets his F-U and the pin.
-After the match, Team Lesner come out to give Cena some congrats. Heyman then offers Cena a spot on Lesner’s team – or actually demands it. Cena don’t play on that, yo. He doesn’t like being told what to do BY THE MAN! So, A-Train sneaks up on him and gives him such a beating. Then Team Lesner come in and one by one get their shots in. Lesner lays Cena out with a WICKED chair shot too. Heyman laughs…a bit like this: MUWHAHAHAHA.
-Wrestlemania Recall: That time when Yokozuna lost to Brett Hart at X. Nice return Job there – since Hogan made everyone look small time when he beat Yoko in like 30 seconds but Brett fought him and lost. That Hogan – always thinking of others.
-A-Train is approached by Team Lesner. They think he would be good in their team and since A-Train ain’t got nothing going on anyway – he joins up with the massive team. Isn’t it weird that Brock is the smallest guy on his team?
-I get hype for the Guerrero match that I’ve already reviewed. The whole Eddie saga is played out for our edification.
-Chavo talks to Eddie backstage. He mentions how important the match that I’ve already seen is. Chave has been banned from ringside and he tells Eddie that he should win this match for Chavo. Because Chavito was there, man – there for him. Chavito lists all the reasons that Eddie is a screw-up until Eddie finally agrees to win this one for the little Chavo.
-My ears explode from that embarrassing Limp Bizcut song.
-The Slam O The Week: The beating of Farooq last week.
-Big Show vs. Bradshaw (non-title). I kinda fast forwarded this one since I could and all. Big show got the win ala a choke-slam. I doubt I missed all that much.
-Heyman intimidates Torrie. He wants her to do something for him but we don’t find out what.
-Kirk Angel (remember when Jericho called him that. HAHA. That Jericho is such a card) talks on his cell phone and Benoit walks in to eavesdrop on the conversation. Nosey. Kurt gets off the phone and mentions that Farooq is out for Survivor Series. In rushes Torrie to give them a message from Heyman. Angle and Benoit will face four members of Brock’s team tonight.
-The Undertaker has a taped interview and talks about how, this time, IT’S PERSONAL. He also says the word “respect” a lot. Aretha Franklin is pleased. He does not, however, mention his “yard”. I watched this hoping that somewhere, off camera, was an urn.
-A video promo for the Cat? Uh…no words can really describe that. I guess the Cat will be the new Godfather since he had three Hoes with him.
-Eddie vs. The Bashams. I’m not doing this twice. My review is above.
-A review of Eddie winning. Then a shot of Eddie and Chavo riding out of the arena. They are so happy.
-Vince makes his way to the ring to spoil the party. Vince is going to be sincere tonight. He asks for our forgiveness and wants to pray. The lights go down and Vince gets on his knees as the spotlight hits him. He prays for absolution – not from his past sins – but from the sins he is about to commit. He believes that he is chosen by a Higher Power (which I guess means that Vince has chosen himself, since he was the Higher Power and all) to bury the Taker. Amen, brutha – preach it!
-Everybody talks about how tough Bob Holly (or Sparkplug to you and me) is. They do this as a service so that you won’t be totally bored when you see him try and fight Lesner. At least you can know he’s intense.
-Tajiri (w/ Not Yakuza) and Nunzio vs. Ultimo Dragon and Jamie Noble. Hey, aren’t Nunzio and Noble (storyline) cousins? Too bad nobody knows about it or mentions it in any way.Noble pins Tajiri…eh.
-A rundown of the SD part of the PPV.
-A replay of what we saw earlier with Cena.
-Brock/Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan/A-Train vs. Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit. Lesner takes a break and helps commentate. Joy. Well, it sure is interesting to watch Nathan Jones fight. He didn’t do so bad – a little slow and methodical. Basically, Kurt goes nuts and puts an anklelock on Lesner, but the Big Show comes out and we get into DQ country. Team Lesner beats the mess out of Team Angle until Cena comes down to try and help. The only help he ends up being is as a body, lying on the canvas, as a decoration. The Big 5 Celebrate. Yay.
Not as good as RAW this week. I give it a 3.
If I were done, I would stop writing. I haven’t stopped writing – so I ain’t done.
It’s time for (fan fare please!) Trolling the Boards Quote of the Week! It’s good to see that we now have 314 posters on the boards. I like to think I’m having something to do with that. My new goal is 400. So, go ahead and sign up for the forums and start chatting away. We might have a first time reader here; so let me reset what we do. Every week, I get off my high horse, put on a disguise, and make my way into the forums. I read (most of) everything that was posted last week and pick one that – for whatever reason – tickled my fancy. Then I post the thing here and it becomes (fan fare again) The Trolling the Boards Quote of the Week! TheCURRENTBigThing seems to be doing some good posting as of late and I am recognizing it here. Not really because I think this post is excellent or anything – but I didn’t know this and since I learned something and thought it was a good story – it’s gets the Quote of the Week!:
I don’t know where else to post this, so I’mma post it here…
The other day I was watching American Gladiators on Spike TV, and you guys won’t believe who was competing… No, not Brock Lesnar, or Batista… not even A-Train. The competitor was none other than Rico!!!!!! …………………… pause for a moment so you guys could reregister that in your heads…………………………………………………….. The competitor was none other than Rico!!! Please keep in mind that the show was taped in the 80s, so you could imagine the change he had til now. He had a jerry curl… a freakin jerry curl!! Back then they made no mention about him being a wrestler. He was a cop at that time. What was funny was how much he pleased the crowd. The crowd loved him! Everyone was chanting “Rico! Rico!”, even the Gladiators were amazed at what he could do. Well, he won the competition, to say the least, & seeing him there made me realize the talent that man trully has. You could tell just from that 30 min. show that he had potential to become a wrestler if he trully wanted to. I’ve always wanted to see a wrestler in the American Gladiator show. I always knew there had to be at least one wrestler try out for American Gladiators pre-WWE. It amazed me to find out it was Rico, but hey, what the hell; it was fun to watch him perform.
Aside from not being able to spell truly – good post, man.
Time for the Mid Week RRP. The Sparko is on a roll as of late. I know that I normally try to steer clear of giving it to the same guy two weeks in a row – I couldn’t help it again. Rico (suave’) Sparko is a good writer and I hope all of you check out his work. He seems to really be going lately and wrote about JR and King. And with quotes like: “HAHA SCOTT HALL SNEEZES HE LIKES THE DRUGS!!!!” and “whilst looking into JR’s fat, shilling lips” – I’m liking Rico more and more. He needs to email me though and tell me he loves me too. HEAR THAT RICO??? I am Lt. General around here. Check the staff section if you don’t believe me. Anyway, check out his cool column right here: How Do They Do That?
I know it’s been a while since I did a Roland’s Chamber – but I’m working on it.
Oh, let me do a follow-up before I plug the Newsletter. If you read SD Rage last week, you know that in my “Ask Roland” section, I answered a question about the difference between Ketchup and Catsup. I thought my answer was good enough – but SOME PEOPLE had to correct me. By SOME PEOPLE, I mean THE BOSS. Here’s what Joe has to say on the subject:
Ah Dear Roland…
You see, Heinz has the patent on the word “ketchup” (since the very beginning of the whole ketchup industry) so that’s why they have Fancy Ketchup. The other companies didn’t know what to do so they coined the term “catsup” and claimed that it was the same thing as “ketchup.”
Nowadays, though, the term “ketchup” has become much like “band-aid.” Band-aid is a brand name, not the name of an item. They are actually called adhesive strips, but everyone calls them band-aids. Just like a lot of people call tissues “Kleenex.”
So why do non-Heinz companies use the term “ketchup?” Well, at one point Heinz charged them a fee for the use of the name, but I think that they’ve stopped doing that now.
I’ve said enough,
I don’t really have some kind of smarmy answer to knock Joe around with because, hey, he’s the boss. Plus he went to college with Matt Morgan and that dude is big and will be in Dallas for Survivor Series. I don’t need Joe “calling in a favor” from an old college chum. Plus, Joe lives in New York – and I don’t really need to be found floating in a lake somewhere, “Soprano’s Style,” if you know what I mean.
Moving on. My word – this thing is starting to get as long as RAW Rage. Don’t expect that every week. How about that TBL Newsletter, huh? Yeah – people like it. People even like ME. You know why? Because I bring to them News, Columns, and Fun – pack it all down in a nice package – and deliver it all nice and tidy in their inboxes every single week. And not only that – it takes me a SUPER LONG TIME to put it all together. So, do me a favor and sign up for the TBL Newsletter and start admiring all my hard work.
My fingers are burning.
Ask Roland Anything!
Check Out the Blog Site!
Update: The big TV was fixed – for about 30 minutes. Then it went out again. I went crazy and made calls and ended up going to the store I bought the thing in. Nobody can help me until Tuesday. I hope my mental state can last that long. So, as a public service, I say: NEVER SHOP AT BEST BUY!