~~~~~THE TBL NEWSLETTER~~~~~
Volume 1, Issue 5!!!
Official Newsletter of:
The Balrog’s Lair
”Still an Internet Original!”
We’re gonna shake this thing up a bit.
Well, maybe “shake” is a bit too dramatic a word. We are going to change the format a little. Please remember that I am still fairly new at this and am working the kinks out to make this the best Newsletter on the web.
From now on, instead of littering the news items with my opinion, I’ll save all that for a separate area as to not confuse you, my beloved masses who enjoy reading this every week.
Thanks again to everyone for helping out with feedback. Feel free to email me with any suggestions or your opinions and I may just include them in this newsletter.
And away we go…
Roland G, Editor-in-Chief
Vince Legitimately Upset at House Show Match
-Updating a story we had in the TBL Newsletter last week, it appears that Vince McMahon was legitimately upset when he interrupted a house show match between Tajiri and Rhyno. While he was said to be fine before the match started, the word backstage is that he legitimately got agitated by the match and called it to an end in favor of the bikini contest.
Many have found the incident odd because Rhyno and Tajiri were instructed to work a pretty slow match. Rhyno was said to be very embarrassed and frustrated by the situation and many backstage agree with him. (Credit Prowreslting.com)
Wrestlers Upset With McMahon Television Time
– Many WWE Superstars are said to be frustrated with the fact that the McMahon’s are taking up the majority of television time. With the brand extension, many had felt they would be allowed more time to shine on TV, but are now realizing this is not the case.(Credit 1Wrestling)
WWE Trying to Reach Hispanic Community
-WWE officials are reported to be impressed with both Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio and are expected to continue pushing them in an effort to cater for the growing Hispanic population in the United States. There has also been talk about finding and adding more Hispanic wrestlers to both RAW and Smackdown rosters.(Credit 411mania)
Possible Booking for No Mercy
-WWE has begun airing commercials in local markets for No Mercy, advertising that Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker will be the main event. There are also rumors that the WWE will be booking John Cena vs. Kurt Angle in a match as well. Of course, booking changes daily, but these may be the current long-term plans for Smackdown! (Credit Prowrestling.com)
Kurt Angle Injured
-Kurt Angle is in need of a hamstring surgery, according to reports, but doesn’t want to take time off from the ring. He has been seen in the backstage area acting as if there is nothing wrong, but many believe he is banged up. There are some that believe he will shorten his career if he doesn’t take some time off soon.(Credit The Torch)
Spike Dudley’s Status
-As many saw on Monday’s RAW, Spike Dudley took a nasty bump when being thrown from the ring to a table on the outside. He was thrown short of the table and the fall looked pretty bad. But, remarkably, Spike is feeling just fine and was not seriously injured in the fall.(Credit 1Wrestling)
Goldberg in Altercation
-According to some fans that were at RAW this past week, Goldberg was involved in a small altercation with some NWA-TNA fans after the event while signing autographs. According the eye witnesses, Goldberg was yelling at these fans, shouting negative comments about TNA, including statements that their roster was nothing more than WWE wash-ups.(Credit Prowrestling.com)
Booker T Injury Update
-Booker T. was on Byte This earlier this week and said his back is feeling better, and that he is shooting for an October return to the WWE. Booker did state that he doesn’t plan to remain an active wrestler for many more years, but that he wants to have one more World Title program.(Credit WWE.com)
Roddy Piper to NWA:TNA
-It has been reported that “Rowdy” Roddy Piper will be making his return to NWA:TNA on their September 17 PPV. It is expected that he will do a major shoot on the WWE. More on this as it develops.(Credit The Observer)
WWE Goes to Trial
-The trial for WWE’s lawsuit against Lewmar Inc. began this week. WWE claims that Lewmar sold them faulty equipment that led to the death of Owen Hart. Hart fell roughly 70 feet from the top of the Kempner Arena to the ring in May of 1999. WWE lost a case against the Hart Family for $18 million, and are hoping to make up some of that money with their suit against Lewmar. (Credit Prowrestling.com)
Monday Night RAW Rating
-WWE RAW pulled a 3.6 rating this week with a 5.4 share. That is down from last weeks 4.3 rating. The show did hours of 3.5 and 3.8. The low rating seems due to the return of Monday Night Football. (Credit 411mania)
Roland Rages the News
For those of you who might have missed it last week, it was reported here in the TBL Newsletter about the strange happenings at a Smackdown! house show. During a Tajiri vs. Rhyno match, Vince McMahon came out and demanded that the match be stopped so that a bikini contest, which was scheduled to follow the match, could get underway.
Wrestling has evolved into sports entertainment. Those of us that have followed wrestling since our childhood understand that fact and enjoy it. But the truth is, Vince and the WWE are trying to evolve it further into something that it really shouldn’t be.
Wrestling and television have gone hand-in-hand since the birth of TV. The very first live broadcast was wrestling. And fans since then have loved the grappling aspect of it. Most everyone with half a brain has known from the beginning that it was all fake, so when the WWE finally admitted it, no one’s world was shattered.
But Professional Wrestling has always been more about the matches than the “entertainment” that goes along with it. When the two fit together nicely, it makes for very compelling television. But it has to be about the wrestling. In the two boom periods of the eighties and nineties, it was always about the wrestling. The “sport” should always carry the “entertainment”. But somewhere along the way, Vince McMahon has forgotten that. And if he doesn’t fix it fast, wrestling, as we know it, will be nothing more than a muscle bound variety show. And that won’t stay on television for very long.
“ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE”
“WELCOME TO A ‘READER’S DIGEST VERSION OF SMACKDOWN”
“SMILE, YOU’VE JUST BEEN ‘MULLET-ED”
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/samjerry.
The real Networks use The Super Bowl to introduce you to their new hot show; UPN used SmackDown to introduce The Mullets. The marketing genius that came up with it will probably get a seven figure bonus for bringing ten viewers to UPN to watch it. What he didn’t count on was the million or so viewers who probably switched channels. We can thank him for cutting a half hour off of SmackDown. I’d like to thank him with a Title belt upside the head.
Michael “Clueless” Cole and Tazz (you remember Taz don’t you – he used to kick ass and take names in ECW before The WWE cleaned him up, put him in a suit and made him a color man) were at the desk as SmackDown opened. We saw cars being set up in the garage for The Parking Lot Brawl between Grandma Guerrero’s favorite little thief Eddie v. John Cena.
We got going with a tag team match pitting Fay Wray Mysterio and a very happy Billy Kidman (you’d be happy too if you just got back from your honeymoon with Blondie – if he died then and there, they’d never be able to get the smile off his face) v. Tajiri and The Italian Pony, Nunzio. Following a look at Tajiri bashing Fay Wray last week after losing to him, the match got going. It was what you’d expect from four good workers, ending with Tajiri avoiding a San Diego Area Code by Fay Wray, nailing and pinning him. A good start to the show.
We went backstage where Our Lady Of 1,000 Wrinkles was stroking The Emperor, while The Big Slowass looked on and drooled. The Emperor sent flowers to poor little Zach Gowen, who is recovering from being beaten and thrown down a flight of steps by Godzilla last week (a scene too gruesome to be shown in England). Ever watch any of the HBO Specials about TV around the world? They show nudity and all kinds of wild crap in England, but censor scenes like that as being “too violent.” Go figure. The Princess came in and gave daddy a tongue lashing for unleashing Godzilla on Zach. Daddy said he had nothing to do with it, that Godzilla acted on his own. Enter Godzilla. He told The Princess where she could stick her crown. He then demanded a match against Our American Olympic Hero, The Taker and Zach as a warm up for his Iron Man Match v. Our Hero next week. Told they weren’t there, he said he settle for one v. The Princess. Daddy liked the idea and gave his little girl a choice between facing Godzilla or quitting as SmackDown GM. She left to ponder her fate.
After a look back at Shaniqua destroying every female she could last week, we saw Blondie (who is also smiling ear to ear) and Ms. Trailer Park Trash on their way to Dawn Marie’s locker room to try to convince her that a match v. Shaniqua was not a great idea. Dawn Marie wasn’t real receptive. It appears Ms. Trailer Park Trash has left her beloved Jamie and taken the straight and narrow path.
Next “match” was Shaniqua v. Dawn Marie. It wasn’t a pretty sight … Dawn Marie had less of a chance than Custer. Shaniqua brought a chair in but the referee took it away. There is some question whether she planned to eat it or use it on Dawn Marie. Blondie and Ms. Trailer Park Trash raced in and jumped Shaniqua, who thought she was being attacked by mosquitos. Blondie got the chair and crowned Shaniqua with it. The chair got the worst of it. Other than a chance to oogle Blondie, this was a complete waste of time … a perfect opportunity for a potty break.
The Princess was pondering her fate. Our Lady Of 1,000 Wrinkles came in suggested she quit rather than face Godzilla. We didn’t see The Emperor, but he was probably smoking a cigarette and wondering about taking another Viagra pill.
Next up was Canadian Crybaby No. 2 v. Rhyno. The Human Hairbag came in and clubbed No. 2, but Rhyno couldn’t pin him. The match was interrupted by an unannounced commercial (I got a flash back to ECW) for some strange reason. After trading punches, assorted other moves and Sharpshooters, No. 2 avoided a Gore and won with … drum roll … The Crippler Crossface. Another good match.
Backstage The GayPA was holding a poker game with everyone in the locker room. Matthew Hardy objected to the way Bradshaw treated The GayPA’s butler Bruce (at least I think that was his name). He said he treated his flunky Shannon Moore much better. Where or where was this going to lead us? The GayPA will face Matthew and Moore later. The GayPA with a butler is like Ghengis Khan with a hair stylist. Do you think Bradshaw is drinking Pink Ladies rather than beer these days?
Out in the garage Cena was checking the arrangements and the rules for his match v. Eddie. The referee said there were no rules. Cars were in arranged in a circle and everything was set for the match.
The mandatory hype for The Rock’s new film was next. The Rock told his costar, Shawn Michael Scott that he was a cross between Y2Jockstrap, Our Hero and Mae Young.
The Parking Lot Brawl got underway, with the GayPA and locker room watching. Eddie arrived in his newest acquisition. There were mucho bumps on the hoods of the cars, broken windshields and windows, and a lawn mower and spade that Cena brought. It looks like he has a day job, mowing lawns. Eddie tried to strangle Cena with a seat belt. They both ate car doors. Cena locked Eddie in the trunk of a car, but took the trunk lid to the head as Eddie got out. Cena should know that no lock is safe when Eddie is around. Cena tried to drive away, but Eddie jumped into the car and branded him with the cigarette lighter. He also gave him a facial with a windshield wiper and fluid. Eddie back dropped Cena onto a hood and as Cena got up, Chavo Guerrero raced in and crowned him with a piece of metal. Hey, there were no rules, so Chavo was in play. Cena wishes he thought of it, but Lying, Cheating and Stealing is The Guerrero Motto. The end came as Eddie hit a Frog Splash from the roof of one car as Cena laid on the hood of another. A hell of a match … if you like smashed cars and heads.
Next match was The GayPa v. Matthew and Moore. It was more like a car wreck (no pun intended … yeah, right) than a match. Moore took a Clothesline From Hell from Bradshaw to end it. The GayPA’s butler Bruce brought a tray of beer to the ring for his employers. The question still remains: Pink Lady or Beer?
After a bit of shilling by Clueless and Tazz of next weeks Iron Man Match, we saw a clip of Godzilla’s recent destructive path, including his sending Zach into orbit.
They next announced that Blondie and Ms. Trailer Park Trash will face Shaniqua next week. Like anyone gives a rats ass. Why not just send Blondie to the ring in one of her skimpy bikinis, or another Bikini Showdown. That has to be 1,000 times more interesting.
Main Event time. The Emperor was in the ring and introduced Godzilla as he next WWE Champion. The crowd roared its approval with a stream of “You tapped out” chants. He blasted The Princess for defying him and not quitting. She came to the ring dressed for a match, so she wasn’t quitting. She slapped daddy in the face. Godzilla grabbed her and got a kick in his Little Godzilla’s for his efforts. She tried to roll out of the ring, but daddy pulled her back in. Another well placed kick and daddy went to the mat holding his Little Guys.
Godzilla recovered and bounced her around ringside. She avoided the steel steps that Godzilla threw at her and headed for home, with Godzilla chasing after her. The Emperor rolled around the ring howling in pain. Guess Our Lady Of 1,001* Wrinkles is out of luck tonight.
*She aged a bit more during the show.
Godzilla returned carrying The Princess. He was set to F-5 her into a ring post, but Our Hero arrived to save the day. He pounded Godzilla for a bit, then watched as Godzilla and The Emperor took off for the nearest ice chest. Our Hero didn’t want wait until next week. As he ranted and raved, we faded to … The Mullets. Time flies when you’re having a good time.
Note to The NITRO II Writers – Hope you were watching. This is how a wrestling show should be, without that wasted Ladies Match.
In my continuing quest to bring you exclusive content, I have contacted some of our readers to help write columns for our Newsletter. Over the next few weeks, hopefully, you will hear from some original voices at TBL. If you would like to participate and become a part-time columnist for the TBL Newsletter, drop me a line here. Be sure to include an example of your type of writing. Who knows? It could always lead to bigger things.
First up this week is a friend of mine and the very first RAW Rage champion, Violent Jay. Take it away, Jay.
The Readers View
Jay is here to give you his thoughts on the funky fresh week in what we like to call rasslin’. Who the hell is Jay you ask? Well I am Vince’s Ideal fan, ya know the guy from mullets. Talk about your friggin stereotypes like we all don’t know it’s friggin fake. Wait a darn second, that old hot chick from the show likes wrestling, MAYBE it is just cool to watch it after all. Other note on the show, La Res and Dudleys will STILL be feuding for the tag belts at wrestlemania, SHOOT ME NOW. Ok really, I don’t have a mullet. I might be stuck in the 90’s but not the 80’s! Wait, Eddie Guerrero has a mullet, he’s cool. Hulk Hogan has the “skullet”, and he’s the IMMORTAL ONE. Quote the mullet, nevermore.
Enough Mullet talk here’s my take on this weeks WWE programmin’:
Raw sucked, it did nothing for me. HHH’s beat down did nothing for me. Everyone knows Goldberg is going to win and anything they do with this feud is just pointless until the PPV.
I hate, no, I REALLY HATE all these regular folk in all these matches. Why bother with professionals when on the PPV card we have Shane, JR, King, and Coach all wrestling. Real world: Could you imagine, say, going to a concert and instead of the band you came to see it was one of the members and 3 guys from the t-shirt stand? They don’t have a clue what they are doing, they suck at it, and I didn’t pay good money to see this shit. Just like in wrestling, I don’t want to see JR’s tubbie ass rolling around while Coach prances around. You have talent VINCE, use it. That was the purpose of the roster split right? To get more wrestlers air time. You had too much talent, yet I have to see these jackasses every monday night?
I have a hard time getting into shows that aren’t live. You guessed it. Steph and Brock in the main event, Ya freakin’ hoo. Poor Matt Hardy, he was regulated to being in the APA card game, that is a sure sign that you have hit bottom. Well actually hitting the bottom is being “one of the guys in the back”. That usually means you didn’t have a match anyways and you are watching everything on the tv when they show you, or you are watching Mark Henry lift cars and betting on it. Guerrerro/Cena match was a pretty cool setup with the cars. Seeing Chavo back was nice and having a legit cruiserweight heel is always a good thing. Chavo also shores up the tag team division with Eddie. The USTitle is actually an important title on Smackdown, wish I could say the same thing about the Intercontinental title on RAW.
My take on Rasslin Writer Rules:
1. There must be a McMahon. No matter how good the show is, there MUST be a McMahon. As a manager, boss, or wrestler, EVERY show has to have a McMahon.
2. Wrestling Fans can only remember the last 2 weeks of WWE programming. If someone kills my dad and then makes me have HLA with them (wait I’m a dude, that could be good, unless that someone was a dude, then that would be bad. But it can’t be HLA with a dude, but I’m a dude, so I can’t have HLA anyway) I don’t think I will be going down to the ring to save them from a beatdown as Torre did with Dawn Marie on Smackdown.
3. The Fans love pointless stupid feuds. I am on the edge of my seat, WHO WILL WIN STACY’s “services”? I must tune into RAW next week to check in on Rosey’s training. What zaney thing will Lance Storm do? We have 4 titles per show and they can’t come up with anything better than this crap?
I started this list, you finish. Send me silly, funny, stupid or just plain ole retarded, rules of writing wrestling. If it’s fresh enough, I’ll put in the next column.
Email Jay Here!
Well, that’s all for this week. Be sure to check out TBL this week for all the fun and excitement of Columns, wrestling talk, recaps, and forums. All there at your fingertips.
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