~~~~~THE TBL NEWSLETTER~~~~~
R.E. (Roland Era) Volume 1, Issue 4!!!
Official Newsletter of:
The Balrog’s Lair
”Still an Internet Original!”
The Editor Speaks
What up, yo?
Well, we are up to four of these things and things are going well. Readership is up, emails are up, and general good feeling about how this thing is going is up.
But we can always do better.
Oh, and don’t forget that if you have thoughts on something that happens, or you would just like to write something for us, email me and it may just get included in our weekly newsletter. Do it. Now. I’m waiting.
Roland G, Editor-in-Chief
Methinks there is an Ulterior Motive
The WWE has issued a media ban preventing websites from getting any rumors confirmed and from being able to contact their front office to get information for stories concerning the company. This is a strange move, as the WWE has, up until now, allowed television and radio stations access to many aspects of the company. The Hattiesburg American Newspaper in Mississippi had this to say while covering a house show:
“Although amateur photographers and fanatics of WWE snapped photos during every match, the Hattiesburg American was not allowed to photograph the event. WWE officials said the newspaper had not returned a legal form required of media wanting to photograph the action. However, there was no record of the newspaper receiving the form.”
Well, here’s the real deal. “The Rundown” is coming out in theaters very soon and I have a feeling this ban is probably due to that. Generally, whenever movies come out, the production companies along with the agents set up every interview for the stars. And because of the WWE’s involvement with The Rock, they are banning all media outlets at this time so that they can dictate who they talk to concerning his upcoming role. It would make sense, since many stories about Rocky will also include aspects of the WWE and they are simply covering their end. I would expect this new policy to lighten after the movie is out.
Of course, I could be completely wrong and they just hate us all.
Foley Lashes Back
A while ago, Hulk Hogan was on TSN’s “Off The Record” in Canada and took some blatant shots at Mick Foley. Some of the derogatory comments from Hogan included: “I’ve probably trained more in the last week than Mick Foley has in the last 30 years.” Hogan also said: “I went ahead while Foley has been eating cheeseburgers.”
Never the one to backdown from speaking his mind, Foley came on the TSN show this past week to plug his book. During the interview, Hogan’s comments were played for Foley for him to comment on. Mick said the comments from Hogan bothered him and were very painful. Foley speculated that maybe the reason Hogan was so bitter was because his book only reached #13 on the NY Bestsellers list, while his went to #1 and stayed on the charts for twenty weeks. And in the funniest part of the interview, Foley said if they wrestled each other, Hogan would be like a whiney, female porno star who complained that their co-star was working too hard and fast. He said that he feels Hogan is a great entertainer, but is weak in the ring.
Well, who can argue with Mick about any of this? Seriously, HOW DARE that orange freak EVER say anything about how Mick Foley is in the ring? Now, I’m not saying that Foley is or ever was the fastest or greatest athlete or even wrestler to go in the ring, but BRUTHA, let me tell you something – Foley was a thousand times more entertaining than YOU in the ring. He may not be the icon you are, he might not be the legend you are, and he certainly isn’t anywhere near as ORANGE as you are; but there is one thing that Foley has that you lost years ago: Dignity. Get over yourself, Hogan. Foley may have said the things he did tongue-in-cheek, but I’m not. You are a slow, flabby, waste of space who’s time in the sun past LONG ago. Good luck on that promotion you want to start with “the mouth of the south”. I beg of you, no matter if you fail with that or not, STAY AWAY FROM THE WWE! No one wants you back. Hulkamania has left the building.
Speaking of People that are Mad(dness) at that Orange Freak
The Macho Man Randy Savage has released his new Rap Album. In it, he has a song tearing into Hulk Hogan as well as a tribute to the late Curt Henning. MTV wrote an article about it on their website this week.
People, listen to me. Drop everything right now and click here to hear it. I really can’t do it justice. Don’t ever say Roland never did anything for you. Big ups to Jay Bower from Another Wrestling Website with Figures for providing this audio and lyrics.
Crash Holly Says What He Really Thinks
Earlier this week, Crash Holly was interviewed about what he thought of certain things about the WWE. Here is what he had to say regarding Brian Gerwitz:
“Brian Gerwitz cares for some characters, but obviously he has his favorites like any other wrestling promoter or writer, where you’re going to push your favorites with the most TV time. The wrestling business is kinda like a CD collection. If you have 50 CD’s, and you’re only listening to two or three or four CDs, it’s kinda like Norah Jones sweeping the Grammy’s, and you have all these other artists like Eminem and Avril Lavigne sitting on the side and like the Grammys, Brian Gerwitz choose to push and use his favorite person, but you haven’t heard any recent Norah Jones radio ads. That is what I think of Brian Gerwitz and the WWE creative team.”
Look, whether you liked Crash or not, remember this: people who get let go from their jobs rarely have anything good to say about their former employers. That being said, I think Crash said what he needed to with as much dignity as possible.
Vince is All About the Wrestling (Yeah Right)
Last weekend, during a Tajiri/Rhyno house show match, Vince McMahon exhibited some very strange behavior. Right in the middle of the match, Vince called the match boring (presumably on the microphone) and told the referee to ring the bell, much to the amazement of all in the ring. Vince was said to be anxious for the bikini contest to start, which was scheduled to start after the match. It is unclear if this was a work or shoot, but some in the back are concerned about Vince’s behavior as of late.
Well, it could be a case of Vince playing his heel role, but this is absolutely ridiculous. If this is a work, what is McMahon trying to teach the audience? That bikini contests are more important than the WRESTLING that people paid to see? And if it isn’t a work, someone really needs to check in on the man’s psychological state. He has been acting stranger and stranger lately and I’m beginning to worry that he is heading for a major breakdown. It is completely disrespectful for the head of a WRESTLING company to act this way towards his wrestlers. These men are athletes that are doing their best to put on a show. It certainly wouldn’t have been very difficult to have word given to them through the ref to wrap it up. Maybe Linda wasn’t just playing a part a few weeks ago on RAW when she said Vince needed professional help.
Some Random RAW Notes
Kevin Nash was not at RAW this past Monday because he is off to film his role in the new Punisher movie. There is no word on how long he will be out. Some people backstage are grumbling that the only reason HHH is supposed to lose the title to Goldberg at Unforgiven is so he can take some time off for his wedding to Stephanie McMahon and take his honeymoon. There is also a general feeling backstage that the WWE is wasting their time with the whole Coachman turning heel angle. They feel that if he couldn’t sell angles as an announcer, how can he sell his own angle?
Did Jimmy Get His Feeling Hurt or Something?
After RAW this past week, word has it that Jonathan Coachman was apologizing to Jim Ross for some of the things he said on-air while broadcasting a match. Apparently, many of the things that he said were fed to him directly from Vince McMahon who was backstage at the guerrilla position. McMahon likes to agitate JR because he feels Ross’ reactions are entertaining.
See above about Vince McMahon. Personally, I’m enjoying Coach right now. His heel persona is working for him. It probably won’t happen, but I think a three man booth with Coach, King, and JR would add a little freshness to the RAW announcing crew. Just my fantasies thought.
Big Plans for Evolution
As we have reported here in the TBL Newsletter, the WWE is looking to build toward a Randy Orton/HHH feud for later in the year with HHH being a babyface. The rumored plan to bring this about is for Evolution to turn on Triple H at some point in the future, after Batista rejoins the group. It is possible that this could happen as soon as Unforgiven. And, there is a rumor that once this happens, Maven will turn and join the stable to make it more of a younger force. Of course, when Triple H comes back, it is expected he would be a heel.
Here’s the real question: if this does happen, will HHH be able to actually be a face or will everyone cheer Orton and the group so much for kicking him out, Trip’s return will be lukewarm? Either way you look at it, I think this could be a very good move for RAW, as long as Evolution remains a strong stable and not buried as soon as Trippers comes back.
Here is your invitation. Attendance is MANDATORY!
It has been reported that HHH will have his bachelor party directly following the September 16 taping of Smackdown. The reason for this is so both brands will be able to attend. Right now, the only one not expected to be there is Chris Jericho, due to a legitimate family obligation.
Yeah, it would be a BAD thing for someone to miss this one. I only hope Jericho can recover (by the way, Jericho and his wife are expecting – congratulations!). I think for a wacky sort of revenge, Test should skip the party and drug Stephanie and marry her in a Vegas drive-thru.
And Now Some Smackdown News
It seems right now that the Undertaker is being groomed to have a major feud with Vince McMahon. The rumored plan is to have McMahon not only be directly involved in matches with Taker, but also manage other wrestlers to take The Dead Man on. In a surprising rumor, one of these wrestlers could be Kane, indicating a major jump of brands. There is also the rumor of a McMahon/Taker buried alive match to happen sometime in the future.
There are positives and negatives here. The positive is a good move for Kane who would most likely lose steam on RAW after he either lost to HHH or never given the shot. And after his feud with Shane is over, there really isn’t a whole lot of places for Kane to go. It would make a lot of sense, storyline wise, for him to seek revenge on his brother, if he truly is the psychotic monster he is being portrayed as right now. The negatives are that we have seen the brother vs. brother thing already (many times) and that it means more McMahon and less wrestlers.
The Rematch of the Rematch
Smackdown will be only an hour and a half long next week due the premier of “The Mullets”, but the next week, there will be an hour long “Iron Man” match between Kurt Angle and Brock Lesner. Since Smackdown has no PPV this month, the idea is to make one show feel more special than the others, and this will be it.
For those of you that saw Smackdown this week, you were in for a real treat. The Angle/Undertaker match was very good and the Tajiri/Mysterio match was phenomenal. If they can top that in two weeks, you better be by the tube.
And now, here is SamJerry with his weekly Newsletter Exclusive colum:
“ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE”
“IF YOU GET KISSED, IT’S LOVE”
“BEND OVER, YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE $OLDBERGED”
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/samjerry
Another Monday Night, another disappointment. Why? Any time a program ends and $oldberg is slobbering, grunting and grinning has to be a disappointment. It’s like the old adage, “One aw sh*t wipes out a hundred atta boys.” Even if NITRO II had been good, this would have ruined it. Let’s take a look at all the wondrous things that happened.
The show began with The Crotch …. oops, The Coach in a match against The King, or as Nero would said, “It looks like a great day for the lions.” The King played Ping-Pong with The Coach’s head for a short time and then threw him out to the floor, figuring it would be easier to gnaw on his bones there. It was not to be as Al Snow raced down and told his HEAT buddy that he should stick to screwing things up on the mic and leave the wrestling to those that had a clue. Figuring he could dine in peace in the ring, The King heaved Coach’s fat ass back into the ring. As the referee was picking his nose, Snow nailed The King and threw him back into the ring. The Coach hauled his Double Cheeseburger ass over, covered The King for the win. I have seen The King hit by a steam roller and not be pinned; here he gets tapped by Snow and takes a nap. The King appeared on Major League Wrestling at 11 PM against Terry Funk and took hits that would have stopped a charging elephant and not get pinned. Un-F’N-believable.
Miss 44DDD was backstage and spoke to The Prince about the BBQ he threw for Kane last week. The Prince said he wanted a piece medium rare.
The ring was set up for Y2Jackoff’s Highlight Reel. It wasn’t meant to be as Stone Cold Steve Austin (SCSA) came down and destroyed the set. Jackoff plans to sue for it’s entire value, plus treble damages (about $7.63). He announced the Main Event: The Over-The-Hill Kid, $oldberg and Maven (yup, Maven … who has as much business being in the Main Event as the Red Rooster) v. Evolution – HHH, Slick Ric and Cowboy Bob Orton III. He also said that Good Old JR would face The Coach (A Battle of The Wide Asses?) at Unforgiven. Now that’s a match I would pay to see … three cents.
Jackoff came to the ring to protest SCSA destroying his set and killing his show. Note to Jackoff, “‘Twas beauty that killed the beast.” Wait, wrong story. Dumbass Christian made an appearance and bitched about being left off SummerSlam. I ran thru three Kleenex tissues listening. In tears at his story the ever caring Co-General Manager told Dumbass and Jackoff they were on right then and there for Dumbass’s Intercontinental Title. In a ho hummer of a match, Dumbass won the match with the old Foot On The Ropes Hold. To all you guys out there that may have missed the match because of a potty break, you’re fine as long as you didn’t miss the toilet.
SCSA ran into The Prince backstage and suggested he get the F out of the arena because of The Kane BBQ. The Prince said he was staying … he wanted another rib.
HHH hit the ring and ripped on $oldberg. $oldberg came out on the ramp and HHH developed lockjaw. $oldberg snarled, stammered, snorted and said he was going to take The Title away from HHH.
It was time for some T&A. We saw a Ladies Tag Team Match, with Delicious Trish and Ivory v. Gail “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” Kim and Molly “Lard Butt” Holly. Trish carried the match, however, her team lost. If Trish needs consoling, I’m available.
The Prince came to the ring and just as he was about to McMahon us, Good Old Eric (GOE) came out. Sh*t, another blackout! The lights when out and when they came back on, who should appear? You get three guesses and the last two don’t count. It’s The Monster, and not a scar or mark on him after being B-B-Q’d. Quick, hide the women and children. He jumped The Prince and took him to his secret mountain lair; well out to the ring post anyway. He tied him to the post, wet him down and applied a pair of jumper cables to his Little Princes. Next he got an auto battery from under the ring (amazing the sh*t you find under there). A couple of jolts and Viagra wont help The Prince. His wife may have to pull a Lady Chatterly next time she feels frisky. RVD raced down to save The Prince from any further torture and did a number on The Monster. He hit him with a Van Daminator and a Van Terminator. Note to RVD: The Monster was roasted alive, coming away with nary a scratch; what good do you think a couple of moves will make? End result: RVD v. Kane in a Cage Match on NITRO II next week.
Tag Team action time and we got The Flying Green Thing and Big S.H.I.T. v. The French Onion Rings, Chirac and DeGaulle. Big S.H.I.T was all over Les Frenchie Assholes until their Un-American buddy Rob “I Love Canada” Conway nailed him with the Title Belt. I wonder how you say “F*ck The French” in French? Wait, I know … it’s “Les F*ckest Le Frogs” The Assholes mocked The Dudley Boyz and went for a table. Guess who raced in? No, it wasn’t the US Ambassador to the UN, it was The Boyz. They were about to put Conway thru an Acme Table, but Chirac and DeGaulle pulled him to safety. Gee, I wonder if we’ll see The Boyz v. The Frogs at Unforgiven.
Damn, Maven was backstage with Miss 44DDD. He was all choked up about being in The Main Event. Here’s a thought: get dressed, get in you car, drive west and keep going until you become an appetizer for a shark. Maven? Main Event? An oxymoron if ever there was one. Slickie and Cowboy III cut him short. Cowboy III was intrigued by Miss 44DDD’s assets. The kid is young and she is enhanced … a dangerous combo.
We switch to The Kid telling Maven not to be nervous, and then a pep talk (Win One For The Gypper). Maven wasn’t nervous, he was thinking about Miss 44DDD … he has never been that close to heaven before.
More backstage BS. This time it’s Teddy “Whitey Still Be Screwin’ Us” Long, along with Rodney “I be chuggin’ an buggin’ on yo ass all nite long” Mack and Mark “Muscles in His Sh*t” Henry, whining to SCSA about being bumped from the show. SCSA was so upset about their plight that he may only drink six cases of Steveweiser tonight. RVD joined them and asked that his Cage Match with The Monster be the first match on next week’s show.
Testicle was trying to make nice with Legs, telling her he is a changed man, and will be good to her from now on. Legs about bought his line of crap. Ever notice that Legs is one of the few (only)? “Unenhanced” ladies in The WWE?
Next up was a No DQ Mixed Team Match, pitting Testicle and Legs v. The Amazon Queen and Dumber Than Dumb Stevie. No DQ? You don’t have to be Colombo, or even a rookie beat cop to figure out what is going to happen: No DQ and “Mixed” Tag Team Match, meaning whoever is in the ring is fair game. Note to Legs: If only you were half as bright as you are fine. Testicle fibbed, he hasn’t changed; The Amazon held Legs so Testicle could kick her. The Amazon took the kick as Roid Boy raced down and came to the aid of Legs. Legs covered The Amazon to win the match, as Testicle and Roid Boy swapped fisticuffs.
Time for our Main Event – – Six-Man Tag Match – Evolution v. $oldberg, The Kid & Maven (Maven? Main Event? A sure cure for the ratings blues). The Kid took a beating most of the match. It was so bad that be may not be able to chew his prunes in the AM. HHH hid most of the match as a/c his injury. To the absolute astonishment of everyone in the arena and the 3.9 Ratings Points watching at home, The Kid crawled and scratched his way over to tag Superman (as $oldberg’s close friends call him … both of them). From this point on it was Spears and Jackhammers all around. Alas, poor Slickie, at his tender age; and young Cowboy III, who may never be the same. Cowboy III was squished into Kibbles & Bits and the pinned by SuperDuperman. $oldberg slobbered and stomped his right hoof as he watched an awe struck HHH slowly walk backwards out of Dodge. Will $oldberg take HHH’s Title at Unforgiven. Spend $35 and see first hand. It’s still a couple of weeks away, so you have time to save your pennies and nickels. On that note, I bid you (as Els Frenchie Assholes would say) “Adieu.”
Well, we’ve come to the end of another Newsletter. I hope you enjoyed it. But before I go, I thought I would plug some good reading from TBL for the week:
Shawn Stinson wrote an article not too long ago addressing some comments made by Triple H a few weeks ago on RAW, when he called Kurt Angle a “paper champion”. Read Shawn’s thoughts on the subject with:Buy A Clue Pal. Then, hop on over and read the flip side of the argument with my latest offering: Those Two Little Words. You can also read Trevor’s thoughts on Summer Slam in: The Figure Four Leg Lock. And finally, check out Eddie’s opinions of RAW and the news in: News and Analysis.
Hey, and if you would like me to start including more news about NWA:TNA, drop me a line and I just may start doing that. I don’t personally follow it, so my views would be worthless, but maybe you could help by sending your thoughts on it.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a great week. See you next time!
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