Everybody’s working for the weekend
Everybody wants a little romance
Everybody’s goin’ off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh
You want a piece of my heart
You better start from start
You wanna be in the show
Come on baby lets go
(Cue kooky 80’s guitar riff)
Ah, but the weekend is over. BOO ON YOU LOVERBOY! BOO, I SAY!!! STOP MAKING US PINE FOR THAT WEEKEND!!!
But if the weekend is over, that only means one thing. . .it’s Monday. And if it’s Monday, that means it’s RAW day. And if it’s RAW day, that means it’s RAW Rage Day!!! Oh, shut up. You know you look forward to it.
I sure hope everyone enjoyed our visit from Teddy, whoops, I mean Theodore Long last week. I assume you all liked it. . .but I don’t know for sure because I DIDN’T GET ONE EMAIL FROM ANYONE SAYING THEY ENJOYED IT! LISTEN UP PEOPLE! I DON’T DO THIS FOR MY HEALTH, YOU KNOW! A little appreciation for the ONCE IN A LIFETIME INTERVIEW would have been nice, but NOOOOOO. You people can’t be bothered. Well, fine. See if I get you these exclusives again. Of course, maybe you didn’t read it. If not, you missed it man. We had everything. Teddy was here helping me out. Even Rodney Mack showed up and gave me a whoopin.
Wait a minute. Of course you read it last week. Why else would you come to TBL if not to read me, Roland, the greatest recaper/columnist on the web? IT CERTAINLY CAN’T BE TO READ EDDIE!!!
That’s right Eddie. You trashed me a few weeks ago in your little Q&A column and I haven’t forgotten it. You might have thought I would after the Great Server Breakdown of 2003, but I haven’t. Oh no. It’s not over. NOTHING IS OVER! YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! NO TRUTH HANDLING FOR YOU!!! YOU WANT ME ON THAT WALL! YOU NEED ME ON THAT WALL! I AM THAT WALL AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!
Okay, I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Suffice as to say that you sir (talking to Eddie) are in for a fight!
I’ve had a bad day. Lets go on to Raw now. . .silly wrestling show.
RAW IS ROLAND
Just about LIVE from The MARK (how dare they call us a Mark! We are SMART!) of the Quad Cities in Moline, Ill. (Anyone got any idea where this place is???)
-It’s SPIKE TV! SPIKE TV is here! Yeah. . .whatever.
-I see the end of the Spike TV party where Kidd Rock is singing. Dude, that guy is soooo 2001. And it looks as if he got Rikishi to play drums for him. So that’s where he’s been.
-RAW has a big Spike sign to let us know that this is Spike TV and everyone knows: Big Sign = Ratings.
-Bischoff comes out and brags about how he beat Shane last week. Of course he shows the footage! They always show the footage. Bischoff sucks up to Vince, Linda, and Stephanie; but not to Shane. He calls Shane the Frank Sinatra Jr. of the family. It sounds weird when Bischoff talks good about Vince. I miss the old days. Then JR comes down to the ring, back from his burning. He slobbers and talks from the side of his mouth (I am going straight to hell for that one) to blame Bischoff for the whole fire incident. He isn’t going to press charges against Kane. . .he’s going to sue Bischoff. Whatever happened to accountability? Wouldn’t it really be JR’s own fault for allowing the interview to get that heated? Heated. I made a funny. Bischoff kick Coach out of the booth (and we all cheer at home) to make way for JR. Austin comes out with a clipboard and a contract. He’s got a plan to make this all better. He convinces JR not to sue if Eric will be in a match tonight. Eric assumes its with Shane and reluctantly signs the contract without reading it. Then Austin tells him it’s not Shane he is facing, it’s Kane. Uh, are we making Kane a face now? Austin celebrates with JR and beer and we all know there is some kind of setup going on.
-Big Booty Poppa Daddy and Kiebler vs. Rico and The Gayda. Why is coach still in the booth??? I thought JR was back? Anyway, Rico mocks Stacey by doing her bend over thing. Did you know that Stacey has a very small role in the movie Bubble Boy? I didn’t either until Mrs. Roland pointed it out. Anyway, we all know the drill with mixed tags and this one in n o different until Test interferes to prolong this loooonnnngggg fued. Gayda gets the pin on Stacey. Stiner gets on the mike and cusses then challenges Test to a match. Test Roid Rages out and screams, “IT’S ON! IT’S ON!” But of course, that doesn’t mean tonight. It will be next week and the stip will be for Stacey. Stacey agrees to the match and that is the end of it, thankfully.
-Flair and My Favorite Wrestler are backstage. Flair is mad about his rematch with Goldberg tonight and that it will be no DQ and no interference from Evolution. The H’s come in and they are mad as well because of the Elimination Chamber match at SS. Orton makes everyone feel a little better by telling the H’s that he is going to help him retain his belt in the Chamber. Oh boy, anyone else smell a face turn? I hope not.
-Kane arrives in his paddy wagon.
-The Duds (ugh, there goes the life-force) vs La Résistance. The match ends in 2 seconds because the Frenchies hit the Duds with a flag. This has been the very best Dudley Boys match ever! Post match fun, the Frenchies break the American Flag on the Duds and pour wine on them. I kiss my fingers and proclaim: Magnifico!
-Molly shines up her title real nice when Goldust introduces Lance Storms new look: just like Goldust. Lancedust offends Molly by doing the Turrets thing and she slaps him.
-HBK and He Who Brushes His Hair A Lot talk about the Hair vs. Hair match. Nash lets his luxurious hair down for all to see and bask in and proclaims that he will beat Jericho in both the Elimination Chamber and in the Hair vs. Hair match. HBK gets offended because he thinks he will win the E.C. Then Whisker Biscuits walks up to them on his stubby, small legs to thank the two of them for helping him last week, but he is going to win the E.C. Shawn is all, “Nuh Uh!” And Goldy’s all, “Uh Huh!” Then it cuts away.
-Christian (the new IC Champ) comes out to Booker’s music. He won the championship from Booker the other night. I feel for Booker but he was getting stale reel fast. He got less pop as a champ than when he did before he got it. Book is hurt so they took the belt off him at a house show because he wouldn’t look good on TV. Hey, do I get points on my Fantasy Wrestling Stable on Stablewars.com for this??? I have Christian! Anyway, Christian makes fun of Booker when Spike comes out (the wrestler, not the channel). Christian wins after everyone gets their spots and all that.
-Backstage, they let Kane out and Bisch tries to suck up to him but Kane is having none of it. He goes all monster on him and says things “will be done MY WAY”. (2 Sinatra references in one night!)
-JR finally comes down to the booth and kicks Coach out. How cool would it have been if Coach just decked him? GROW A PAIR COACHMAN! YOU’LL NEVER BE MORE THAN A TWO BIT INTERVIEW GUY IF YOU DON’T TAKE SOME INITIATIVE!
-Bischoff vs. Kane. It’s still really cool to see Kane come out with guards all shackled up. He smiles at JR and JR calls him a “stinky, filthy monster” (that’s what I heard anyway). Bisch tries to lay down for Kane to cover him, but Kane makes like he is going to chokeslam Bisch. But then he stops and leaves the ring. RUN KANE! RUN AND GET YOUR FREEDOM! LIKE CHIEF FROM “ONE FLEW OVER THE COOCOO’S NEST!” RUN BEFORE NURSE RATCHED CAN GET YOU! He doesn’t. He just stands their and gets counted out. Then he tells everyone that he is sick of doing what everyone else wants. Kane lost a contact and looks funny without the crazy eyes. Then RVD, fresh off a doobie, comes in and beats up Kane for a bit, but the frogsplashes a chair and gets a beating from Kane.
–Gail Kim is backstage and proves that she cannot talk either.
-Trish vs. Molly vs. Gail Kim (Women’s Title): What? Victoria can’t be in this match??? Come on! Gail Kim nearly kills herself and Trish with a blown spot to the outside. Send her to OVW NOW! Molly outsmarts them all and retains.
-Trippers is in a new commercial for Stacker 2 YJ Stinger. In it, he buries a bunch of guys in a gym. Man, he won’t let anyone go over, EVER!
-Lugs wants you to buy their shoes by showing you a recap of Hurricane and Rosey from last week.
-An old woman tries to cross the street and can’t until Rosey helps her. Then he goes and spells out the bad word and she hits him.
-Austin congratulates Bischoff on his win and informs him he will be facing Shane at Summer Slam. Seems Bischoff didn’t read the fine print of the contract he signed.
-You know that Nike commercial where the kid keeps saying he will race all these people? Man, that drives me insane. I just want to find that kid and saw off his feet so he can never run again. (Did I mention I was having a bad day?)
-Wrestlemania Recall of JR in a toga at Number 9.
-Hurricane vs. Rodney Mack. No Teddy Long. BOO. I read somewhere that Teddy has hepatitis (way too much Thuggin’ and Buggin’). Here’s to a speedy recovery, playa. Hurricane wins. Poor Rodney. He goes from getting beat up by Goldberg to jobbing to Hurricane. But he gets the upper hand and gets a post match beatdown until Rosey makes the save. The two super hero’s pose. And it’s still funny.
-An Elimination Chamber video from last year.
-The Highlight Reel. Jericho clarifies the Hair vs. Hair match, saying he meant Nash’s hair vs. his beard (of which, he has none). Jericho gives us his “sexy” rock star poses and my wife melts. Nash (slowly) comes out carrying a briefcase. When he finally gets to the ring (is the show over yet? That took forever!), he takes a load off and sits down. All that walking tired him out. Nash shows Jericho some pictures of what he will look like bald; with a Mohawk; with a Kidd and Play haircut; and with a Lance Storm haircut. Nash is (and has always been) good on the mike. Nash opens the briefcase and gets out a razor and calls for the real Hair vs. Hair match. Jericho accepts for next Monday. You see, if they would have just let Nash do what he does best and TALK since he came back, he might be over. A post interview fight breaks out and Nash gets the upper hand and almost cuts Jericho’s hair, but that Wiley Jericho uses a fire extinguisher to escape.
-Goldberg vs. Flair (With Orton as special Ref). Orton passes Flair some brass knuckles before the match. You know what? I figured out why Goldberg isn’t as cool in the WWE. His sparks don’t look as good as they did in WCW. That was always the coolest thing about him in my opinion. Anyway, a lot of shenanigans and cheating go on and Goldberg looks like he is going to lose, but HBK comes in and gives the sweet chin music to Orton while Goldy gets the Jackhammer on Flair. HBK uses the passed out Orton’s hand to count the 3. Show over.
Well, a boring ending to a pretty good show. I was more entertained this week (or maybe my day was so bad, I was really happy to be home watching a television show). More good then bad this week, so I give it a 6.
DONE! DONE I SAY! Well, not quite. A few items for you, my loyal readers. First, let’s all take a trip to Funville and look at these particular websites! You know I make your day with these. First, look at this and tell me you can’t have fun for hours:
http://www.talonse.com/supergreg.swf – It’s SUPER GREG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can watch that for days and never get tired of it.
Next we have this:
http://www.rathergood.com/spoonguard/ – yes, this confuses me too.
And finally, some dirty pictures (Please don’t go here):
Only one thing left to do and that is to give you your RRP for the week. This week’s pick comes from Adam G (I don’t feel like spelling out the name). He raps. It’s funny. Are we supposed to laugh at him or with him?
Okay, I’m done with all of you. I’ll do my best to have a fresh Roland’s Chamber article up this week, so keep checking back. AND EMAIL ME! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Rolandg77@sbcglobal.net