By Michael Blaszkowski
Disclaimer: The world, as we see it, is merely a collection of absolutes marred by human interpretation, inherently flawed by the effect perception has upon our distinct versions of the truth. Whereas an ant may see a box and say “hot damn: that’s a big box!”, a human may look upon it and proclaim “who left my cigarettes lying around?”. Because of this, everything we see and perceive is merely an interpretation, and in no way assuring of the truth it claims to bequeath. So, whereas the facts I state inside my column may indeed be true, they only find themselves in this state by mere coincidence. I guess my point is: don’t believe everything you f***in’ read, especially if it has the word “Spoof” in the title.
Welcome reader-domo, my name is Sagara Sanosuke, and…actually, make that Michael Blaszkowski. I’ve been around this ‘net contraption for a year now, and although I may no longer be up for the “Rookie of the Year” award, I still kick shizzit with the best of them. Well, the best of them that use words like bequeath. You ready? I’m sure as hell ready. Looks like the goggles are on, and let’s rock Motha’trucka’.
TBL Top Story
WWE being invading by a menacing threat!
As of 11pm yesterday morning, World Wrestling Entertainment troops found themselves under assault from a legion known only as A.G.E., or Alliance of Grappling Elders. Coming from as far back as the 70s, these archaic, outdating main-stays of year’s past have been returning in droves, first assaulting SmackDown! with their Flagship force Hulk Hogan, then branching out to RAW, and even WrestleMania.
In recent weeks, their Chief of Rowdiness, one Roddy Piper, has interjected himself via promos and run-ins into the WWE television program “SmackDown!” as younger, more talented stars look on in horror. One worried wrestler who wished to remain nameless stated “My grandma has more believable offense then him”. In response, Roddy Piper went on record as saying “Yeah, well, you’re grandma’s younger then me!”
Besides their Flagship and their Chief of Rowdiness, A.G.E. has also (quite insidiously) painted one of their newer recruits, the 59-year-old Sable, with tons of make-up and sent her to kiss Playboy Playmate Torrie Wilson in an “attempt to connect with the kids”. Sable, replying to allegations that she has “sold-out” (stemming from her earlier departure over a proposed Lesbian storyline) said the following: “What, that made you think I was hypocritical? Like I had such a big problem with sex before. Hello, didn’t I take part in a match that exposed Jackie’s tits to 9-year-olds in England? Doesn’t my entrance consist of me swiveling my hips suggestively, then doing it more, then doing it even more? Jesus, you people are slow”
Not all younger talent are against Hulk Hogan and his merry band of geriatric misfits. Current RAW talent Ric Flair had this to say: “WHOO!” It was followed by drunken uses of words in ways that the F.C.C. would NEVER allow us to repeat, but his friend Triple H translated for us: “Everyone wants to see the Game against Goldberg. Who wants Booker T.?”
And so, the full count of the war goes as follows. While WWE has merely Booker T., Matt Hardy, Rey Mysterio, and Brock Lesnar to defend its cause, A.G.E. has Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Sable, Kevin Nash, Goldberg, the newly-recruited Triple H and Ric Flair, turncoats Chris Jericho and A-Train, the legendary Undertaker, and The Big Show. The odds would seem stacked against WWE in this time of turmoil.
As of press-time, WWE had yet to declare a state of emergency.
In Other News
Rowdy Piper was deemed a hypocrite by those in the know for returning to WWE after blasting them repeatedly, even stating he’d never return. His initial response of “I’m going to change them from the inside” fell flat, as the first episode he supposedly was part of creative for had not-so-hot lesbian action. Thus, he acknowledged his detractors in the same way Sable did: by collecting his paycheck.
Kevin Nash returned on RAW, interfering during a tag team main event. Much to the surprise of many, he didn’t snap a knee as he entered the ring. His re-debut is apparently part of an ongoing marketing strategy, one that began with Booker T., Scott Steiner, and Goldberg’s arrival. Now, by having all 4 of these talents in one place, RAW is officially WCW in its dying days. Great way to boost ratings, guys…
Kurt Angle will be back in a few weeks, thanks to a surgery being hailed as revolutionary. Previous recipients include Scott Hall, leading researchers to wonder if the surgery causes alcoholism and laziness, followed with a self-destructive tendency to be an ass to cab drivers.
Conan O’Brian says this is always good for a laugh, so let’s try it: Anna Nicole Smith.
John Cena will be on SmackDown! on Thursday. Either he’ll job to the Undertaker, or he won’t. One way will see a logical, well-written continuation of a storyline building for months, used to promote a possible big match and open up another main event option in the face of a dwindling number of mega-star talent. The other is what’ll they’ll choose.
What? You expected a joke? How about this: Eddie T. is Booker T.’s Dad! haHA! I am so funny…
Breaking the Habit
Normally, I don’t do this, but I’ve been wondering: how many of you guys read my News and Spoofs? I get feedback on most everything else I do, but never on News and Spoofs. Should I be taking this as a sign that no one reads this one, or just that no one feels the need to respond to it, unlike the sometimes controversial Unspoken or the Flash goodie-bag called PPV Center. Hit me up here if you wanna see this thing continue. ‘Till next week, this is Michael Blaszkowski, and this kinda-short News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
Yo. I write these in between History 221 and Psych 1-something or other, then send them in later on. As I’m looking over this, I realize that I only have about a page and a half, which is totally not cool. And yet, I have no time to add more, seeing as I’ve got two art papers to write still tonight. So, here’s my answer:
1.) Post links to the stuff goin’ on around TBL.
2.) Thrown down some extra content to save time and money…or just time.
Check out the latest from Eddie “Bookerman” T. as he brings us his News and his…what the hell? There’s no “analysises” this week! Well, check out his News, at least. I mean, come on, he’s been using “yo” at the beginning of his columns! “Yo = Hits” like “Hogan = Ratings”dawg.
Chris Reynolds is back, letting us in on what he thought about WrestleMania, and even revealing the winner of the Staff Prediction contest, for those interested. A good read as always, so go check that out. Besides, he’s going on vacation soon, so enjoy him while you can.
Doktor of the Dark Arts, M. Trevor Hunnicutt, returns with his decidedly grounded view of WrestleMania, from looking at why Rey v. Matt was bad (despite really getting the crowd going and yet leaving a rematch beautifully open by not burning the fans out to the feud yet) to why Hogan v. Vince was good (by being a brutal match that…that…FOR GOD’S SAKES, IT’S HOGAN!). Read it here.
See folks? See what I did there? By emphasizing two points of his column, I made him look like a negative bastard. And yet, he also commented in there about how WrestleMania was a good show and how The Rock turned out a damn good performance. It’s amazing how emphasizing the wrong point can give an audience the TOTALLY wrong impression. Try it some time. Tell a girl “I’ve been a great boyfriend to every girl I’ve been with” and just leave out that you’ve only dated your sister. It’s called “spin”. Tell a friend.
And now, COPY AND PASTED GLORY!!!
Fun with Eddie T.’s News and Analysis
“WWE is keeping Goldberg away from Triple H so…the company trashed her and asked her to participate in a lesbian angle. …This only goes to show you that Vince McMahon can… pull a hamstring during the math… surgery… at the SmackDown! tapings this Tuesday… Eddie, the one who hates…The Balrog’s Lair – Since 1996″
Eddie hates TBL? I never knew. Damn that sucked. I’m out, so catch ya later Rockabillies…
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