By Michael Blaszkowski
Disclaimer: Everything from here on down smells bad because its older brother dropped it in poo 4 weeks ago. Please forgive its stench and its resulting lack of truth-like content, because quite frankly, it hit its head hard, and as such is a habitual liar. Laymen’s term? This all be a joke, and more importantly, don’t believe everything you read.
Welcome, my brethren in darkness, and even those in light. This here is the News and Spoofs, back again thanks to my college library’s computer lab. Why thanks to that? Well, because my laptop’s power cord died. Not the laptop itself, but the actual cord, mean I have no way to charge it. My friend at Radio Shack says to get a new one will cost $75, but after fronting the money for various illegal schemes, who has that kind of dough? No worries though, because the whole mess should be cleared up by this weekend, when you’ll get AT LEAST one dose of Unspoken, and if the winds of fate love you just right, maybe even two. Even if they don’t love you, however, I do, and with that in mind, I remind you to put your goggles on, ’cause we ’bout to ROCK motha’trucka’!
TBL Top Story
Kurt Angle may be leaving the WWE to go into rehab!
In a story that shocked psuedo-sports fans everywhere, Kurt Angle just possibly could have a bad neck. This normally isn’t a problem, as he’s had it for a long time, and with the help of yoga, sweet lovin’ from his ex-stripper wife, and massive doses of morphine, he’s been able to work through it. Recently, that all changed.
Kurt’s neck has suffered what those in the business like to call “an owwie”. This owwie is similar to the other owwies that kept Rhyno, Chris Benoit, Stone Cold, and most importantly Lita off their respective games for over a year, forcing them to stay at home and watch Triple H win. I reached Stephanie McMahon for comment about this earlier today, and here’s what she might have had to say if this column wasn’t all fiction.
Me: So Stephanie, how does Kurt’s neck injury affect storylines leading into the Granddaddy of them all, WrestleMania?
Her: Did you see SmackDown!? My tits are big, and I like saying nude while rubbing myself! Tee-Hee!
Me: Um…I don’t get it. How does that have anything to do with Kurt Angle’s injury?
Her: Well, if you watched SmackDown!, you’d know that the crowd really really popped when they heard me talk about stripping, boo’ed heavily, almost to the point that I’d say they’d rather me then Torrie to be in Playboy.
Me: But isn’t SmackDown! taped and its crowd noise heavily altered?
Her: What are you getting at?
Me: Just saying it seems weird that you’re in power, you’re the SD!GM, and the crowd loves you more then Torrie “Supermodel” Wilson?
Her: No. Not weird at all. No re-editing. Nathan Jones is a great wrestler. He didn’t fall down.
RNN UPDATE
Randy Orton has been injured! In a match in which two other non-important wrestlers were injured as well, 3rd generation hero and superstar Randy Orton was injured, right after returning from shoulder surgery. No one is clear if his brave decision to return while his shoulder was only 99% had anything to do with this tragedy. Now back to the News and Spoofs.
Me: Anyway, about Angle, what is WWE’s new plan for WrestleMania?
Her: Seeing that the crowd pops bigger for my sluttiness then they do for ANY superstar excepting Hogan, I’d say it’s obvious who should main event WrestleMania.
Me: You?
Her: No, Angle, we’ll just con him into risking his life for the pay-off. It’ll be fine, trust us. Speaking of, we were thinking of having him swoop down from the rafters, what do you think of that?
In Other News
I like pizza rolls. No seriously, I do. Ever tried them? They’re so good. Especially when you put them in the oven. Mmmm. Haha! This is the kinda stuff I can get away with without any true authoritative management around here! Martin’s off being a “wrestling fan”, whatever that is, and Joe’s busy causing riots and protests and things. Both of these are good causes, but it leaves me without any supervision! Muwhahahahah…
In my first decree as “Supreme Ruler over The Balrog’s Lair” (at least until Joe is let out of jail and Martin realizes that INTERNET IS LAW! RESPECT THE LAW!), I hereby declare that all columns will begin in “Yo”. This trend has already shown useful as Eddie (and along a similar vein, C.R.) has proven, watching his hits skyrocket with the mere mention of the word.
Decree number two! I shall be referred to from here on out as “Michael Blaszkowski, Lord of the Universe Proper” by all columnists wishing to invoke my name. I pity the fools who continue to call me “jackass”. Thanks for the praise, but ill-fated humor attempts? Watch as I prove you wrong!
A priest, a rabbi, and a polish man (like myself!) walk into a bar. The priest turns to them, throws off his robes, and pushes them into an oven proclaiming “Hail Mein Fuhrer”!
(Please note: before anyone yells at me for Nazi jokes, lemme remind you: I’m F***ING POLISH! MY PEOPLE DIED TOO YOU KNOW! Actually, go ahead and yell at me for it. It’d be funny.)
Finally, decree number three! All funds, revenue, and other assorted income from TBL will now be mine, and mine al…shit, I think I hear Joe. He’s back, he’s drunk, he’s walking like he spent the night ass up, and he looks really pissed. Oh crap, um…
Kevin Nash won’t be back at WrestleMania, mostly because he’s broken. Other reasons include that he doesn’t draw, he kills promotions, and whenever he enters a room Rey Rey runs under a table and whimpers.
This Just In
Let’s see here. Who haven’t I tagged with this feature…let us look through who updated recently…
“Well, we’d had four minutes of wrestling, so another McMahon appearance was way overdue, and this time it was Stephanie who graced us with her presence. Steph Infection informed us that one of the assembled divas would be making an appearance in a legendary rhythm magazine, and intimated that it might even be La McMahon herself. Of course, it is actually Torrie, who did her best to look delighted. I wonder if she’ll dedicate her nude Playboy spread to the memory of Al Wilson?”
-from Fozmaniac’s Smackdown Showdown.
Damn, that was f***in’ funny. I almost feel bad making fun of his wish of congregating with the octogenarians in our audience. Almost. By the by, when I say congregating, I mean, you know, congregating. Naked congregating.
Deep fried tid-bits
Scott Steiner may not work at WrestleMania because his recent work-rate, many feel at least, hasn’t earned him the spot. Instead, he’ll merely act as a manager for featured Mania attraction Hulk Hogan.
411Mania launched a couple days back. Go to the music or games section and check out some of my shit. Well, not really my shit. For that you’d need to go to rotten.com or something.
In seriousness…
Despite my laptop’s failings, I’ll be back later this week with an Unspoken, beginning my year-end retrospective. Additionally, time permitting, I’d like to have a non-wrestling Unspoken up sometime this weekend too, but I make no promises, aye? Well, seeing as it’s 4:32 in the PM, it’s time for my next class, and after that, Jerichoholics Anonymous. That wittiness I ordered obviously hasn’t come in, but hopefully by next week I can steal some from Mr. Tito. This is Michael Blaszkowski, and until next week, this News is all Spoofed out. Sad-ass catchphrase completed, all that’s left to say is the following: g’night folks.
– E-mail feedback to MichaelBlaszkowski@yahoo.com
– AIM Screen Name: threePunk2oo2
– Michael’s Web Site: threePunk v3