~~~~~THE TBL NEWSLETTER~~~~~
Volume 2, Issue #17
Official Newsletter of:
The Balrog’s Lair
”Still an Internet Original!”
Table of Contents:
* Note from the Editor – Joe Balrog
* Top Story – Martin Hawrysko
* News and Analysis – Eddie
* RAW Horizon – The Luce Cannon
* Columns –
o News & Spoofs with Michael Blaszkowski
o Rounding the Squared Circle with Sam Jerry
o Balrog Babblings with Joe Balrog
Note from the Editor:
Back again folks. I figure that after that debacle of an anniversary show last night, I would send out a newsletter to help lift everyone’s spirits!
There’s some good information in this newsletter, folks. You just sit back and relax and take a gander at some of the best writing out there on the internet today.
Joe Balrog, Editor-in-Chief
Mr. McMahon steps his foot down
Vince McMahon finally made his anticipated return to Raw this past week. After stating that Bischoff has thirty days to make major changes to Raw, or else he will be fired, Shane McMahon made a rare appearance. The appearance suggested that Shane may be in line for the General Manager position if it becomes open. Raw also highlighted the first physical contact between Triple H and Scott Steiner, Raven’s return to Raw since June 24th of last year, Mean Gean Okerlund, and much more.
News & Analysis:
Royal Rumble, Bob Holly & Tough Enough reaction, Team Angle, WWE direction, UPN’s future, more
January 12, 2003
Hello everyone and thanks for checking out News and Analysis here at TBL. I hope I didn’t come off too serious after last week’s debut, and hopefully you enjoyed reading. I’m hitting you with the next one immediately, so let’s get to it!
The WWE presented that one show they call RAW on Monday night. It was the first LIVE show of 2003 for the RAW brand and they did a fairly good job. RAW wasn’t “over-the-edge” TV, but the effort was there. Many expected a new direction from the company, seeing as it’s the first show of the year, but we’ll get into that later. Chris Jericho and Christian teamed up to take on Kane and Rob Van Dam in the main event. Shawn Michaels was added to the corner of the two faces, whereas Randy Orton made a return to RAW and was in the corner of the two Chris’s. Elsewhere on the show, Lance Storm and William Regal captured the World Tag Team titles and now seem to be aligned with Eric Bischoff who claimed that 2003 will be his year! Bischoff also announced that Vince McMahon will be making his return to RAW next week. Triple H and Scott Steiner continued their storyline with the use of a “Triple H Pose Down Challenge,” and Trish Stratus teamed up with Jacqueline to take on Victoria and Molly Holly. RAW’s rating is in and the show scored a rather solid 3.6 rating, off of hours 3.5 and 3.7. That was a really nice score for the WWE, as it proved that fans were somewhat interested in their programming in the new year, especially after a 2-week absence of LIVE shows. However, a 3.6 is really not that high of a score.
Come Thursday night, the momentum switched to the SmackDown! brand and it was a wrestling-packed show with great action throughout the two hours. Dawn Marie and Al Wilson’s honeymoon took a “McMahon-writing” turn, and for a second week in a row, we were left pondering what more could we possibly expect from that storyline. Big Show took on Rikishi and defeated him, as the big man continues his “big” feud with Brock Lesnar. (Ah, the irony.) Speaking of Brock, he had the honor to main-event the show for the second week in a row, this time taking on the A-Train and defeating him as well in what I thought was an okay match. Shannon Moore continued to be an M.F.er, and the John Cena/B-2 vs. Los Guerreros feud got some solid TV time as well. SmackDown! scored a 3.4 rating, with a 4.1 overnight score, which is down from the usual due to the WB airing their new show “The Surreal World,” as well as the usual strong competition on Thursday nights.
The WWE will present the 2003 Royal Rumble in one week and the anticipation for this one is on a high note. The final card for the event will see Scott Steiner and Triple H battle it out for the World Heavyweight Championship, while Benoit and Angle will meet for the WWE Championship. Brock Lesnar goes one-on-one with The Big Show and the winner gets a shot at the Royal Rumble match. Torrie Wilson will face Dawn Marie in the first ever “Stepmother vs. Stepdaughter” match. There’s also of course the 30-Men Royal Rumble match. The WWE has not revealed the names of any SmackDown! superstars that will participate but has went ahead and given us the top names from RAW. I would expect another match possibly to be added to the card, or maybe even two with Storm/Regal defending their tag titles (against the Dudleyz), or Los Guerreros doing so against John Cena and B-2. Maybe both bouts will be added to the card, or maybe just one will make it, or maybe none. We shall find out.
Speaking of the Royal Rumble, I am going to save all the comments for last week’s “Royal Rumble” edition, but I figured I’ll drop a line or two in here for each match. Triple H vs. Steiner has been handled great by the writing team as they have been successful at saving interest in Steiner and at the same time not really have him do anything that will show his weaknesses. Steiner hasn’t impressed me much since showing up in WWE and hasn’t even had an official match, however, with little things like Arm Wrestling Contests, or Pose downs, the WWE has managed to keep the feud alive and the fans interested. Credit should be given to the writing team for this one. As far as the match goes, it might end up being really bad if Triple H isn’t able or isn’t willing to carry Steiner through the bout. Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit have had one hell of a feud, and I think the WWE did the right thing by having Benoit fill in the time until Brock Lesnar finally gets to Kurt Angle somehow. The introduction of Team Angle has kept this alive as well. The Royal Rumble match is obviously kept in the dark and they’re hoping that it’ll still sell just being the gimmick that it is, so definitely look forward to that. I’ll talk about the other matches next week, and I’ll also have full predictions for you.
Many expected that come Monday night on RAW, we will see a whole new direction from the WWE. It was believed that during Christmas break, the writers will take a change for the better and hopefully 2003 would be a better year with better storylines. I saw many reviews on-line, and it seems that people were disappointed with what the company has done. I agree that some things could have been changed immediately, but in my opinion, it would have been rather awkward for the WWE RAW brand to come LIVE, with 2 shows left before the Royal Rumble and head into something new. Maybe it’s best to let time run a little but, and hopefully the creative team has some ideas to pick up. What I’m trying to say in this short paragraph is that it’s too soon for us to want a change or a new direction, as the WWE is in the midst of other things they’ve already started at the moment. However, if they have indeed planned something new for their viewers, we should be patient and see what it is in a month or two, around WrestleMania, especially. Now that’s a good time to start with a new direction in the business.
Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin made their singles debut on SmackDown! this past week. (Though Benjamin has wrestled on Heat in 2002.) I must say that the WWE have a great thing going in Team Angle. Charlie Haas has that “it” factor going on for him and his presence and great facial expressions are an incredible touch to his character. It’s very important to have your presence felt, whether it’s a backstage segment or an in-ring interview, or a match, and I believe that Haas has been very successful at that. His match with Edge on SmackDown! also proved that he might not have all the skills yet, but is definitely impressive in the ring and very prosperous. I think the WWE have secured a solid performer with Charlie Haas, a man who has dealt with a lot in his life, including the death of his brother, who also used to wrestle for the WWE (in OVW). Shelton Benjamin is a whole different story. He doesn’t seem to have the charisma that a guy like Charlie Haas possesses, but his in-ring ability, from technical/mat-oriented moves, to his incredibly flexibility and use of his legs, definitely makes him a worthy player for Team Angle. The bottom line is, these two guys are awesome, and the WWE should be given credit where credit’s due for putting them on TV in an important storyline and giving them the head start. That’s how you make stars, and when they are able to back it up, you’ve got yourself success.
Before we move into other news, I want to talk about what happened this past Thursday night on Tough Enough III. For those of you who didn’t see the episode, Hardcore Holly and previous Tough Enough casts were the guest trainers for the episode. The TE3 kids worked a match with trainers and past TE casts. During the bout, TE3’s Matt was in the ring with Bob Holly when Holly snapped, got Matt in the corner and brutally attacked him with stiff kicks and punches. Not only was Matt hurt big time (his mouth was bleeding, he might have lost a tooth, his chest had markings from the kicks, and his eye and lip were pretty swollen), but Hardcore said he did what he did not because he could or had to, but because he wanted to, so that way these kids can get the idea of how this business works. I’m sorry, but Hardcore Holly should not only be ashamed and sorry with himself, but should be fined by the company without any questions asked. On the first episode of Tough Enough 1, Al Snow said that the first thing everyone should learn in this business is to trust the person you’re working with in the ring. Bodies are put on the line in this business and trust is the #1 issue once you’ve stepped inside the squared circle. Not only was Holly completely ignoring what the students have been thought (and how pro wrestling goes in reality), but he demanded that he was right in what he did. Matt shook his hand after the match and as Bill DeMott said showed his respect. However, I think Matt summed it real well. He did the right thing business-wise, and competition-wise where TE3 goes, but he didn’t do what was right for himself. What Hardcore Holly did on Tough Enough III on Thursday is NOT what the wrestling business is about and should never be aired, shown, or even hinted. Even if Bob Holly was trying to teach Matt respect, that’s now the way to do it. You don’t beat a human being to teach him respect. That’s wrong. As far as Matt goes, he’s definitely one of my picks to win the contest, and if he didn’t, he has now proven to everyone, including a veteran bully from Alabama, that he is Tough Enough and far beyond.
In a rather interesting piece of news, it’s been reported that UPN’s future is now in question. News broke during the week that due to the fact the network hasn’t been doing well as of lately. UPN has to get the Fox Television Station Group (owner of 20% of the stations that make up UPN) to agree to a new multiyear affiliate extension, as UPN’s current deal with them expires in the end of next season. CBS President Les Moonves is in charge of UPN and was quoted saying, “If the deal is terminated, there will be no UPN.” This also brings a question to the future of SmackDown!. SmackDown! has been the highest-rated UPN show, but due to WWE policies with UPN, it doesn’t really bring any money to the network. The WWE also takes of their own advertising, therefore get more money and UPN simply gets to “air” the show. UPN isn’t happy with what’s been going on and the word had it they wanted to cut SmackDown! to 1 hour starting 2004. With this piece of news being released recently, things kind of get put in the air. My take on the situation is for all the WWE SmackDown! fans not to worry for now, as the show will be on air for at least another year. As far as the UPN problems go, TV networks have them all the time and a lot of things are said in there which could later on not even be looked at seriously. There isn’t much we can do for now but leave this to fate.
Finally, RAW’s 10th Anniversary hits the air on Tuesday night! No guests are yet known as WWE is trying to keep everything a secret, but they might just have a problem with that. Why? Because for example, Mean Gene Okerlund said on Confidential last week that Bobby Heenan will be present, but today’s news is reporting that Heenan hasn’t been contacted yet and is not sure if he’s going to be present. WWE is reportedly still writing up the show, and it’ll become a mess if many people decline their offer to show up. Anyway, enough of this! Let’s just have fun watching the show on Tuesday. Here’s a quick run-down of the awards WWE.com has posted (no nominees, though Okerlund said they’re on there), and next to them you’ll see my choice(s) for winner of the award.
– RAW Superstar Of The Decade — Stone Cold Steve Austin or Bret Hart
– RAW Diva Of The Decade — Chyna
– Shut Up And Kiss Me – On-Screen Romances — Matt Hardy and Lita or Stephanie McMahon and Triple H
– RAW’s Greatest Matches — Anything could make it
– Don’t Do This At Home – Crazy Moves
– Give Me The Mic – Funny Promos, Lines, Reactions — This Is Your Life footage?
– Tell Me I Did Not Just See That – Shocking RAW Moments — Shane buys WCW? Bischoff on RAW?
– Network Difficulties – Edgy Moments You Never Thought You’d See On TV — DX time
– Fans Decide RAW’s Greatest Moment — In my opinion, one of these three should win: 1) Eric Bischoff is introduced as RAW’s General Manager; 2) Shane McMahon buys WCW; 3) Mick Foley presents “The Rock: This is your life!”.
This week, the humor part of this report debuts. In here you’ll find rhethorical question, interesting sayings, quotes, and much much more. These aren’t exactly as funny as I can be, but hopefully i’ll have better ones next week. Hope you enjoy thse…
* Are you pumped for Vince McMahon’s appearance on RAW or what? What will Vince do?
* Did anyone notice that Al Wilson had a huge hole on his boxers?
* Did everyone forget that a CPR could be helpful?
* The whole Al/Dawn ordeal was so they could debut a Stepmom vs. Stepdaughter match? I hope not.
* Isn’t it a bit odd to have the format of the Rumble be a bit different with the 2 brands? Where are all the promised contestants by the way?!
* Did anyone notice Goldust constantly bugging Teri during their interview on RAW?
* Have we seen the last of Jeff Hardy?
How surreal is it to see Bill DeMott cry and be the nice guy that he is on Tough Enough, when having watched him destroy just another victim beforehand on SmackDown!?
* Aren’t RVD and Kane a nice combination?
* One year from now, will Shannon Moore continue to get beat up for Matt Hardy like the idiot that he is?
* When will the WWE realize that racial feuds never work? (Los Guerreros vs. Cena/B-2)
* Is it just me, or the Guerreros have turned face?
* Wouldn’t it make sense to say that Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are the #1 Contenders for the tag belts as they have beaten the champs?
* How scary is Brock Lesnar?
* Wasn’t that an awesome Shooting Star Press by Kidman?
* Who’s hotter — Dawn Marie or Michael Blaszkowski’s latest News and Spoofs?
* Wouldn’t The Big Show vs. Adam Gorzelsky be the best edition of PTR here at TBL? [Note by Eddie: We don’t guarantee you’ll see Big Show ever again if such an act happens.]
Thanks for reading everyone! Your thoughts will be appreciated, as I’d love to hear what you think of this still-new section here at TBL. Thanks for reading! See ya.
– E-mail feedback to Levski11@aol.com
– Browse the News & Analysis Archive
By The Luce Cannon (formely Monsterbowler)
January 14, 2003
It’s that time once again kiddies, to take a magical trip through the Monday night wonderland that we call Raw. Without further ado, I will begin my review of the WWE’s flagship television program for 10 years now.
Tonight, they start us out in the back, with Bisch and Morley waiting for the arrival of Vince McMahon. Bisch wants no unhappy wrestlers tonight. Here comes Earl Hebner, and another ref, who voice their disapproval of the state of affairs on Raw. Very believable, had me thinking that the refs might actually walk out. Well, not really, but I thought I’d say it anyway. Morley takes the 2 refs with him, for some “personal time”? Steiner then confronts Bisch, saying the same thing that he has been for the past 3 weeks, boring interview, leading into the announcement of a bench press contest tonight. WOW, that’ll really get the fans to come back. 5 out of 10 for a mediocre opening interview, that really did nothing for the start of the show.
The opening match is Victoria w/Stevie Richards v. Jackie v. Trish in a hardcore match for the women’s title. This was bad. I try to be nice, but this match really sucked. Lots of bobbles, and a couple of nasty looking spots. The only good thing about this match tonight was the fact that it was short. 2 out of 10. A pretty pathetic opening match, and the lack of any crowd noise, except the popcorn vendor in the upper bowl, really showed that the crowd didn’t care either.
Back with Bisch and Morley, and the Dudley Boys come out. They don’t like Bisch, and Morley defends him. Bubba and D-Von then dismantle Morley before the geriatric police force comes out to try and restrain the rampaging half-brothers. Dudley’s are now suspended without pay. Goodie, take off one of the better teams you have on Raw. 4 out of 10, because if you think that the old fart “cop” who had a hold of Bubba could do anything to him except hang on for the ride, then maybe you should cut back on the wacky-weed.
Now we have Test and Maven v. D’Lo and Chris Nowinski. Test and Maven??? At least D’Lo and Nowinski have a little bit of running history to explain why they would be teaming. D’Lo and Test didn’t look too bad, Nowinski was ok, but he drove his head into the mat during one of the moves he did with Maven, and speaking of him, Maven was pretty bad. I know he is green, and he is still a rookie, but don’t put him on Raw. He isn’t ready yet, and I don’t thing Nowinski is either. 5 out of 10 for a take it or leave it tag match. Given a lot of time for some reason. Not really sure why, as I think the time could have been allotted somewhere else.
Funny little backstage promo with “Mean Gene” and Bisch. Nothing important, but I just thought it was great seeing Okerlund on Raw. Jericho then comes and whines to Bisch about the #1 spot at the Rumble again. No score cause this one really wasn’t that important.
Jerry “the King” Lawler v. William Regal is up next, and I was looking forward to this one. Big let down. The check for foreign objects took longer than the match. Regal promotes Lawler’s book for him in a backstage interview, and in the ring, burning more TV time. Lawler uses the chain to KO Regal. Waste of TV time on this one. 1 out of 10. The only entertaining thing about this match is seeing Regal getting knocked out by Jerry in about 2 seconds.
Raven v. Jeff Hardy? Last I knew, Raven lost a loser leaves Raw forever match to Tommy Dreamer. Hardy has another seizure on his way to the ring. I do like the new look for Raven. He showed a different side to his character, displaying some technical holds that were pretty rare from him in the past. Hardy botched several spots, or it looked as if he did. 4 out of 10. Raven looked ok, but Hardy takes a point off of the score just for looking stupid.
Vince is here! He’s coming to the ring to make an announcement. For all the hype this has received, it wasn’t very good. Vince was nice to see on TV again, but the interruptions by the Dudley’s, who escaped custody to be reinstated by Vince, and Jericho who whines on about wanting the #1 spot in the Rumble, only to be told that HBK has it. Bisch then comes out to the ring, asking why he’s being undermined. Vince isn’t happy with the job that he’s been doing, and if Raw isn’t turned around in 30 days, he’s fired.
In the back, Bischoff is chasing Vince, only to be told in a subtle way that the returning Shane McMahon will take his place if he fails. 6 out of 10, for an entertaining promo, but one whose goal was unknown, and kind of convoluted.
Booker T v. Lance Storm is next. Not to bad of a match, but great either. By no means anything to be ashamed of. Both were solid, and Regal was entertaining as always as a second to Storm. 7 out of 10 for solid in ring work, and putting on an entertaining match. The only thing that disappointed me was that they used this match to further the feud between the Dudley’s and Storm/Regal, and basically Booker T and Goldust were there as space consumers.
Now we have a match that was created due to the returning Hurricane saving Trish from a beating from Steven Richards and Victoria. Another decent match, but it was only given about 3 minutes. 5 out of 10 if for nothing else, barely seeing them in the ring. It doesn’t make any sense to me to schedule a match and then to have it go for less than 5 minutes. How can anyone get interested in that amount of time?
Bench Press Challenge time. Steiner comes out first and rambles on about how much he is tired of games. He is going to start at 585 lbs. COMMERCIAL BREAK. I hate when they break up a segment with a commercial. It ruins any type of importance they may be attempting to build for it. HHH comes out in a suit, and goes to the ring. Downplays all that has gone on for the past couple of weeks. Steiner says the fans don’t want to see weight lifting, which I agree with 110%. Finally see a fight between the two, which Steiner dominates. He didn’t look too bad in the ring, but this was a little different than an actual match. 6 out of 10 for this segment, which would have been scored better had it not been for the commercial in the middle of it.
Over the Top Rope Challenge is the main event. I like the idea, but whatever happened to calling it a Battle Royal? Anyway Kane, Batista, RVD and Jericho are the 4 competitors in this match. It is ok, but pretty slow paced. Jericho ends up winning and can you believe it, he takes #2 spot in the Rumble. HBK then comes out for some reason and throws Jericho out of the ring. Kind of a pointless run-in, as I don’t really see what purpose it achieved, other than getting Michaels some air-time tonight. 6 out of 10 for a slow paced, but entertaining match.
Tonight was a pretty big disappointment for me. I didn’t see all that much that really interested me, and some of the matches they did have were pretty bad. Now, they did take a step in the right direction with a couple more matches, but they need to go a little farther and have the matches get a little more TV time.
Now for the score. I have modified the grading scale once again, so I think that it will be a little easier for everyone to decipher. There were 12 segments tonight that I graded on, so add up all of the actual scores that I gave each one, and you get 51 points. Out of a possible 120 that is pretty low, so here is the final grade for the show: 4.25 out of 10. ( I took 51 divided by 12 to get the 4.25) That’s not a very good score, so I hope that next week they can improve on it coming off the Rumble PPV.
A side note here, I will try to review the Raw X show tomorrow night, but with school schedules and work, it may be a few days after. I will get it done as soon as I am able.
How did the Dudley’s escape from police custody in less than an hour?
Why did they take the tag titles away from Booker and Goldust?
How long will Vince stay around this time?
That’s all for this edition of the Raw Horizon, ladies and gents. I hope you enjoyed reading it. Remember, a Luce Cannon is always ready to go off.
The Luce Cannon
– E-mail feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org
– Browse Raw Horizon Archive
News & Spoofs
By: Michael Blaszkowski
You can’t spell success without UPN
January 14, 2003
Disclaimer: Everything in this column is a lie, warped and blended for my own master plan. Of course, by “my own master plan”, I mean your amusement. And by “your”, I mean anyone out there who blindly stumbles across this in a weed-induced stupor. Read with caution, remembering that everything in here resembles the truth only incidentally, whatever the f*** that means. Oh, and to Mr. Chavez, Prince called: he wants his song back.
Welcome, this is the 4th edition of the News and Spoofs, guaranteed to f*** you up like 3 fifths on a Saturday night. My name is Mike, I’m an alcoholic, and sometimes I wonder exactly what the meaning of life is. Random and weird as always, here’s your weekly dose of vitamin crap. You got your goggles? Then it’s Spoofin’ time, motha’trucka’.
The Top Story
In somewhat shocking news, UPN may be closing down its doors in August of 2003.
The quick version is that Fox, who may or may not be behind the World Trade Center attacks, is considering saying bye-bye to the 20% of the UPN channels that they own. That would mean that some big cities, including New York and Chicago, would no longer have access to shows such as “Star Trek: Enterprise” and “Moesha.” If Fox decides to take away these fine programming choices from the fans, UPN may just commit suicide in protest, dissolving into 2 smaller television channels, much like certain old-school Zelda baddies.
When reached for comment on this subject, UPN’s spokesperson to The Covenant, Master Chief, had this to say: “I lost a few polygons in my waist for ya’…WORK IT!” Despite the lack of polygons – or maybe because of it – Master Chief looks better then ever, and is set to whoop upon some alien scum with the release of Halo 2.
So what does UPN’s closing mean for the thousands of wrestling fans who still tune in, much like the beaten housewife who goes back to her husband week in and week out? It means that WWE SmackDown!, often reported to be the only quality wrestling program in the USofA (broadcast nation-wide and for free, at least), might be gone from TV. At least, that’s what other people would have you believe. Me, I think TNN would pick it up to replace 29.4 Wheels of Justice or whatever Pig-F***er program those hicks run.
If UPN does close down, though, it might mean that the added benefit of being a network program would be lost. When asked if he thought this might be a problem, Vince McMahon responded with the following: “UPN isn’t a real network, dumbass.” He then got in his personal jet plane, flew to his 17-million dollar vacation home, called up Jim Ross, and proceeded to inform him that WWE couldn’t support its wrestler’s extravagant salaries, causing a company-wide (exempting top-level management, of course) 10% pay-cut. This news caused Brock Lesnar to cry. Look what you did, Vince.
In Other News
Other news? Um…er…Matt got beat over the head this week on Tough Enough? Aww, f*** you, that’s news. He was swollen, and not in the “makes Josh Luce happy” way, either. Alright, alright, let’s try this again.
In Other News
In other somewhat related news, WB is finally presenting competition for the coveted “fifth-place on a Thursday night from 8pm to 10pm” spot. With SmackDown! getting a 4.1 rating, WB decided that it needed some help. So, enlisting the services of the dead soul of Lou Thesz, it trained for the upcoming bout, eating right and staying fit. As the match approached, WB talked smack about UPN, calling it a “wannabe urban network”. This enraged UPN who fired back, calling WB a “rat bastard sonovabitch”. The two finally meet in a few days, and a true winner will be decided.
The Royal Rumble is soon. That is all.
Vince McMahon met with several people over the weekend. The first person was Goldberg, who came in, sat on his lap, and asked for 3 million dollars. Vince McMahon said “Screw you Bill, you’re fired” and shot him in the face with a .44. Next was Steve Austin, who said “I want a pony” in an obvious sign of homosexuality. Vince McMahon, being a homophobe, pulled the trigger of his gun in real fear and mock disgust, shooting the Rattlesnake in the face. Finally, in came a little boy known only as Timmy. Timmy, in a quiet, leukemia-ravaged voice, said “I’d like to see less Triple H on RAW.” Vince, so saddened by the boy’s condition, put him out of his misery by shooting him in the face. “Don’t worry little Timmy”, Vince said with a tear in his eye, “You’ll never have to see Triple H again.”
This Just In
My weekly column, Unspoken, has been sitting in the dusty archives of the TBL Towers since last weekend, unannounced on the main page. Apparently, this is an act of war by Martin, who is very upset by my repeated beating of his face into the ground. The conditions of this war were sent to me via instant messenger yesterday night.
#1HoganFan: Mike? This is Martin.
Auto-Response from threePunk2oo2: I’m currently away from your misery, leave me a message.
#1HoganFan: I have officially declared that our ongoing battles have escalated into a full-on war between the minds! I dubbed this the “Battle of the Balrog’s Best”, and I dub thee heretofore a Knave! ha-HA!
#1HoganFan: As a knave, I now feel the need to explain to you, to the best your primate knave-like comprehension abilities can understand, the rules of our engagements.
#1HoganFan: 1.) You shan’t make fun of my Old English speak when writing your pretend News Reports.
#1HoganFan: 2.) You shan’t reference the one time I asked you if you would…yeah…and you declined.
#1HoganFan: 3.) Under no circumstances will you ever speak of Jakob the Great, my teddy bear and lifelong confidant.
#1HoganFan: That is all, knave, and so I now wish you a good day. As a side note, I’m thinking about firing Adam, he’s much too “Yey for Wrestling” lately. As you know, the Internet frowns upon such things. What is your opinion?
This is normally where I’d say something, or plug something, or whatever. Um…go check out the Unspoken archives for my last column, or keep an eye out on the main page for when Martin puts it up. And with that, my faithful fan base of two, I guess you could say I’ve gone shootin’. You know, I don’t think anyone’s caught what I’ve been doing at the end of these. Ah well, regardless, it’s checkin’ out time, so D-Von, get the plug (This is Michael Blaszkowski) and cue the catchphrase, you know, because this News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
Rounding the Squared Circle
By: Sam Jerry
“MAYBE THERE HOPE FOR NITRO II”
“EMPEROR VISITS; GOOD OLD ERIC SOILS HIS FRUIT OF THE LOOMS”
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE
Why is the sky blue? Why do birds sing? Why does Billy Ray Joe Bob Dudley moon over Elvira Jo? Why does Monday Night Suck? Who the “F” knows (or cares anymore)? Well, we care about Monday Night and want to know why it sucks (like the ninth piggy, when it’s momma only has eight udders).
We have been “treated” to all of the following wondrous events between Princess Stephanie’s true love, and reigning World Champion (not that the two are related) HHH, and Vitamin Boy. They have given us an Arm Wrestling Match (yawn), a Pose Down (double yawn), at which Vitamin Boy told us that his Johnson is bigger than HHH’s biceps (who gives two sh*ts … except maybe Princess Stephanie)? and finally a Bench Press Match (that never came off). All this to build up their Title Match at The Royal Rumble.
About the only thing that was worth a birds rectum in all this was HHH’s telling us that it was worth … a birds rectum. We all know the biggest muscles mean nothing when it come down to match time (unless the match is between Godzilla and Matt Hardly). Just look at who were the Final Two in The Royal Rumble Preview, Y2Jackoff and RVD. They got there but eliminating Kane and The Housing Project With Legs, Batista. Of course we knew Jackoff would win and pull the brilliant move of picking the Number Two spot at The Royal Rumble so he could prove to Higgenbottom that he is the better man. If I were you, I wouldn’t bet the mortgage on Jackoff winning. Oh, it will come down to the two of them at the end, but Jackoff will go home and … well, jackoff. Why waste our time when we could be watching something different, like say wrestling. We could have seen The Brooklyn Brawler face Maven and/or Joey Fugedabudit v. The Cancun Mauler. C’mon Good Old Eric (GOE), get with the program.
If there is anyone to feel sorry for, it’s The Housing Project. He is in the wrong place, at the wrong time. If Godzilla weren’t there, he would be The Big Thing. Somewhere down the line, they will meet and the arena wont be safe. If they don’t eat each other (and any fans that get in their way), they’ll destroy the building and half the city they meet in. It will be like watching one of those “big budget” ($2,000) Japanese Monster Movies, where lots of toy tanks, plastic buildings, along with half the country is destroyed as two little kids watch and root for Godzilla.
Speaking of GOE, he has been given the word by The Emperor … fix NITRO II or his ass is grass and The Emperor will be the lawn mower. Be careful GOE, that door hitting you on your ass may be the door to the Unemployment Line. One can only hope.
By: Joe Balrog
RAW, RAW X, and more
January 15, 2003
Well! So dawns yet another new era in the evolution of this column, Balrog Babblings. What I first began writing as a wrestling column in 1996, I’ve taken the liberty to advance into what I like to think of as a “what’s on my mind” type of article. However, I’m not a scatter brained high school kid like I was almost 7 years ago when I started this site. Actually, I wasn’t too scatter brained back then…just focused on football and wrestling (amateur wrestling, that is)! My interests have changed and so has my focus. You’ll notice that this column is listed in the “Extras” section of TBL. That’s because I don’t plan on keeping it a wrestling themed column.
Nowadays, I’m a few months away from graduating college with honors and a degree in English and three separate minors in Philosophy, History, and Political Science. You might not get a big dose of the philosophy or history in my meanderings here, but you should be prepared to get a bit of the old politics in my writing. That is probably the biggest change that you can look forward to in Balrog Babblings. However, just because I’ve now got solid “credentials,” it doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on wrestling (I do own this site you know)! So before I begin to do a little bit of my political rhetoric, let’s look at the last two days in wrestling.
I have to say that I was enthralled by the latest edition of RAW. I actually loved the entire show (except for HHH). I thought that Vince got a good reaction out of the crowd, but I don’t like the fact that Eric Bischoff is so “replaceable” in the minds of the viewers. Here is a man that has a great deal of untapped potential and, under the guidance of Vince McMahon, could probably grow to be one of the best creative minds in the business. Don’t go throwing bullshit out there about how he ruined WCW. He was in a shitty situation and there were no checks and balances in WCW. In WWE, Vince McMahon is the checks and balances of his staff.
I’m not going to talk much about RAW because you’ll find many different reviews of the show on this site. The only other thing I’ll say is that I think it was a brilliant idea to have HHH on only one segment of the show. This man is not liked by the masses and he’s not drawing the “good” heel heat, either…
Now on to RAW X – let me quote my younger brother’s IM to me during the show:
“If you saw the RAW Anniversary thing, I think it absolutely sucks. I mean come on! Why weren’t you allowed to vote on the other categories? It’s stupid. You know it was all planned out. And there was a commercial every 5 minutes. The only thing you could have voted for was the best moment of the decade.” – written to Joe Balrog from Chris…ummm…we’ll call him Chris Balrog…midway through the event.
“And you know what? The Rock wasn’t even there! I think it was a bad idea that he was there on satellite. And the crowd booed the shit out of him the whole time he was on the screen. They were chanting ‘boring!’ ” – Chris Balrog after The Rock was booed out of New York (again).
“Ok Joe. I just got done watching the show and I have to say there was not one old superstar there and they couldn’t even give their awards to some of the people because they weren’t there. I think you need to put something about this on your web site. I mean the only good part was with Triple H and Steph, the rest was useless – it was just a big waste of time. I expected a better show as you can see I am very upset about it.” – Chris Balrog after the RAW X show.
So, that’s a little peek at my fifteen year old brother’s ideas on the RAW X show (with some corrections by his older brother for spelling and grammar). Well, I have to agree with Chris. There are a few things that I will say, though. First, I think that Christopher has done a great job putting the entire show into perspective – The Rock was embarrassed and kept on the screen WAY too long. Second, I agree that the fans should have been able to vote for all of the categories. What? Was WWE scared that Sable would have won Diva of the Decade? Or that maybe Chyna would have won? Was WWE scared that Mick Foley’s huge internet following would have led to him sweeping the event? Perhaps they were scared that arguably the worst of the TLC series of matches wouldn’t have been named as the Match of the Decade?
I’ll go into my own diatribe here for a moment. My major gripe with the anniversary show is best described as a two-headed monster. The one head we’ll call the internet and the other head we’ll call the “e” in WWE. The first head of this monster promised the fans that there would be the return of Bret Hart, Steve Austin, Mick Foley, Hulk Hogan, etc. at this awards ceremony. Folks, read WWE’s release on this show. You won’t see any of those names mentioned anywhere nor will you see anything about surprises. You might see something about honoring stars of the past – and Mick Foley did win an award, as did Stone Cold Steve Austin.
The second head of this monster, the “e” in WWE, is probably the biggest culprit of the night. Many fans, such as myself, have been watching wrestling well before RAW was a show and will probably watch wrestling for a long time to come. For those of us who fit this category, we could tell you at least one person or event that should have won the categories listed at the awards show other than the person or event that did win. Why is this? It’s because we have a memory that remembers life before the attitude era. Did you notice that most, if not all, of the nominees for the awards were from the past 5 years or so? They really should have called this the “RAW V” Anniversary. I was disgusted that there was no credence given to anything before the attitude era other than a bullshit video montage of terrible past gimmicks (not all of which sucked, mind you).
I believe it was in poor taste for that “e” in WWE to look at this event as an opportunity to advance storylines (Big Show debacle) and to not give homage to reality. I could go in to a more in-depth look at the show, but I’m sure that you’ll read tons of reviews about it on the internet.
Before I go on to some of my thoughts, I just have to tell my little brother – nothing with HHH in it is good!
Now for a small dosage of some of my “other” thoughts. I don’t want to hit on the Middle East right yet – that’s going to have to wait a little while longer. I do want to talk about this SUV thing that the idiots at the Detroit Project are bitching about.
For those of you that don’t know, the Detroit Project actually consists of many Hollywood celebrities who are looking to fight for a good cause. What is this cause you ask? These Detroit-Hollywood folk want to ban Sport Utility Vehicles. Why? Well, this is their reasoning: SUVs gobble gas, gas comes from the Middle East, the countries we buy gas from support terrorism – so people who drive SUVs support terrorism.
Ah, the Detroit Project – how I hate thee, let me count the ways…
Come on folks. Let’s look at this logic a little more. Anyone who drives ANY vehicle that uses gas supports terrorism with this ideology. My SUV that I have in my driveway that takes me to and from work “gobbles” less gas than that huge Lincoln Continental that I used to drive! I get my SUV’s tank filled once every two weeks (sometimes three if I have no where to go). I had to get the Lincoln filled up at LEAST once a week. No questions asked. It ate gas.
But do the Hollywood nimrods tell you about that? Nope. You see Hollywood is packed to the brim with something called “liberals.” I don’t dislike liberals. I think that without the liberal side of the debate, this great country wouldn’t have progressed to the heights that it has in the past 200+ years. However, I have a MAJOR issue with the Hollywood Left (the liberal actors and actresses) sticking their nose somewhere that it doesn’t belong. Do I think that they should have their First Amendment rights revoked? No. However, I do think that people should have the common sense enough to realize that just because we have the freedom of speech doesn’t mean that you can spew out close minded political rhetoric; especially if you don’t have a damn clue as to what it is you’re talking about.
Does the Hollywood Left that supports the Detroit Project tell you that THEY own SUVs (they do, folks)? No, I thought not. You see this is all a bullshit game that these morons play because they happen to be in a position to open their mouths and have many people listen. They don’t take into consideration that with great power comes great responsibility (Spiderman reference). They don’t want to take responsibility for their thoughts and actions…so you’ll never hear these feeble minded fools tell you that they, too, own an SUV.
Now, as for the issue itself – I do think that people who blatantly waste a precious resource like gas should be held accountable for it. I do NOT think that someone who drives ANY car responsibly should be looked down upon for their choice of transportation.
I think that this little introduction to my “other” thoughts is getting a bit long. I’ll be giving more thoughts on a myriad of subjects as time goes on. I’d like to hear some of your feedback or read some of your e-mail on these topics. If you want to respond about the political part, feel free to do so as well. And if you’re a youngun’ and you made it down this far and want to say something about the politics part, I’d be more than happy to read it. I also think that too often in today’s society, the thoughts of the younger generations aren’t listened to or fostered at all. YOU GUYS HAVE A SAY, TOO! So whether you agree or not, let me know. Or hey, if you want more information on the topic, send me some feedback and I’ll be happy to tell you more about it.
Until next time, take care and be good!
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