TNA iMPACT TV Report
June 18, 2009
By Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch.com
You know this will be a great show because of the extra two exclamation marks in the title.
Mick Foley hits the ring, accompanies by Earl Hebner, security, and a clown who I sincerely hope isn’t Yurpel. The ring is filled with balloons and a banner welcoming back Jeffrey. Mick says that what once was lost has now been found, since he has his smile back. The MRIs came back for Earl Hebner, and it seems to just be soft tissue damage. Before Mick welcomes the guest of honor, he has some other people he wants to invite. He calls AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Kurt Angle down to the ring. Kurt’s sporting a random five o’clock shadow. Mick says that it wasn’t easy for those men to come down, but it’s worth it to give props to the founder of TNA, Jeff Jarrett. Jeff seems bemused; when he hits the ring he asks if Mick’s finally lost his mind. Mick says that he hasn’t lost it yet, cause he still has one trick left up his sleeve. He calls down some cheap confetti. He knows that he and Jeff have had their troubles, but tonight he’ll be bringing peace and understanding. That’s why he’s booked tonight’s main event between people who’ve had problems in the past. AJ Styles & Samoa Joe will go up against Kurt Angle & Sting and Mick Foley & Jeff Jarrett. I appreciate that Mick didn’t take a long dramatic pause before naming himself the last participant. Mick asks everyone to put their hands together and go “yay team!” Jarrett leaves the ring. Angle puts his hand in, I suppose to screw with Jarrett. AJ reluctantly puts his hand in as a favor to Mick. Foley counts to two, when Joe signals for him to pause. Mick’s excited for a moment, but then Joe just tees off on Angle and starts brawling. Security guards break things up.
JB is in the back with Dr. Stevie, Raven, and Daffney. This Sunday will be the first ever mixed-tag team Monsters’ Ball when Raven & Daffney take on Abyss & Taylor Wilde. Daffney says that her match tonight against Angelina, Taylor, and Kong is a match made in hell, since that’s where they’re all going. JB points out that Angelina Love is supposed to be Daffney’s partner, but she’s not having any of it. Raven, on the floor, says that after all he’s been through with Abyss he can sense him in the building. He and Abyss have a lot in common. They’re both sick pain addicts from broken homes. The only difference is that Raven is smart enough to fit into society, whereas Abyss is a rabid dog that just needs to be put out of his misery. The only way to survive an addiction is to kick it, go to prison, or die. That last one probably shouldn’t count as surviving it. Anyway, Abyss shouldn’t just bring his own tombstone to Monsters’ Ball, since it’ll be both of their funerals. Quoth the Raven, nevermore.
We recap Shane Douglas whining.
(1) DANIELS vs. AMAZING RED
Amazing Red didn’t even get an entrance. That’s six kinds of lame. Red flips out of a wrist lock to start, but Daniels STOs him back down. Red comes back with a dropkick that knocks Daniels right out of the ring, and Red follows him out with a Corkscrew Body Press. Holy Shit. Red brings him back into the ring, but Daniels comes back with a Decapitator Clothesline and a high kick for two. Daniels works a Head Vise for a second, which lets Red power out. Red comes at Daniels with kicks. Daniels blocks the first couple, but gets cause with one to the side of the head. Red follows up with a Spinning Wheel Kick, a Hurricanrana off the top rope, and Flatliner-style DDT off the top. Again—holy shit. Daniels whips Red off into the ropes—Red tries to leapfrog him, but Daniels catches him in a mid-air with a Death Valley Driver. Daniels drives him back down with a Ura-Nage and finishes him off with the BME.
WINNER: Daniels in 4 minutes. Yeah, I can totally understand why they didn’t let this match go more than four minutes. Who books this show?
Daniels stays in the ring to check on Red, so he’s there when Douglas appears on the big screen. Douglas says that they might have gotten off on the wrong foot. Everyone who knows him knows that he’s a fair man. Jeff Jarrett screwed up when he gave Daniels a second shot, because, quite frankly, he did not deserve it. So Douglas accepts his challenge. Daniels has lost before, and he will again. At Slammiversary, he will be franchised.
Lauren is in the back with Saeed, Kong, and Taylor Wilde. Lauren wants to know if Taylor feels at all responsible for what’s been happening lately. She says that she does a little for ever getting in touch with Daffney. She was trying to help her, since she knew she was out of work, and if she’d been there when The Beautiful People attacked she would have done something about it. Saeed shushes her so that Kong can talk. Kong says that the monster will kill the princess first, and then the monster will kill the monster last. She’s somehow developed a slight accent since the first time she spoke.
We run down the card for tonight. In addition to the tag main event and the women’s tag match, it was also announced that Raven would take on Jethro Holliday in a Clockwork Orange House of Fun Match (Raven actually said something about that earlier, but I didn’t know what he was talking about).
Matt Morgan says that he has something to say to someone important, and, “out of respect”, calls Sting down to the ring. He says that he’s not out there to disrespect Sting. Of course if he wanted to, it would be pretty easy. He’s seven feet tall and without an ounce of fat on his body, whereas Sting is a washed up old guy. He graduated first in his class “Summagna laude” (that’s not a real thing). Morgan has been thinking about what Sting said a few weeks ago, when he told Morgan he couldn’t join the MEM because he hadn’t won a world championship (Sting didn’t say that). He says that the reason he hasn’t won a world title is that no one’s given him the chance to. So he wants Sting to put his money where his mouth is and give Morgan the chance to beat a champion at Slammiversary in the form of Sting himself. He can be the future of the Mafia for the next twenty years. Sting says that he’ll give Morgan a chance—in fact, he’ll do more than that. If Morgan can beat Sting at Slammiversary, he can have Sting’s spot in the Main Event Mafia. Sting turns to leave; Morgan tries to charge him from behind, but Sting easily sidesteps and tosses Morgan from the ring. Morgan did the whole promo in with his usual rapid-fire delivery. A lot of people probably don’t like it, but I appreciate anything that differentiates one big angry guy’s promos from another.
JB is in the locker room with Jeff Jarrett. He busts out the notes he’s been taking on Foley’s actions, and tries to piece them into a coherent picture. It doesn’t work. Jarrett never knows what he’s going to get anymore, the good businessman he brought into TNA or the crazy man who goes around talking to a sock. The only reason he doesn’t get rid of Foley is that you have to have compassion for someone that crazy. Also you can’t fire a shareholder—I have no idea why they didn’t go for the more logical explanation. At Slammiversary though, the title is coming back home.
(2) RAVEN (w/DR. STEVIE) vs. JETHRO HOLLIDAY
Raven’s Clockwork Orange House of Fun Match
There’s a single cage wall laden with weapons on one side of the ring. Holliday charges Raven with a trashcan on the ramp. Raven tries to hit him with a kendo stick, but Holliday connects first and pounds him down to the ring. He grabs a trash can lid from the wall and hits Raven in the head. He gets too close to the apron though, and Dr. Stevie nails him with a kendo stick from the outside. Raven Cactus Clotheslines him out of the ring, then Russian Leg Sweeps him into the guard rail. He hits a couple kendo stick shots, and chokes Holliday back into the ring. He hits some sort of pan to Holliday’s head and sets up a chair in the middle of the ring for the Raven Effect. Holliday grabs the chair and twists out, then uses the chair to block an attempted punch. He sits Raven down on the chair and kicks him in the head. The crowd is entirely behind Raven, who Holliday Full Nelson Suplexes into the cage. Raven gets caught between the ropes and the cage, so Holliday works him over a bit. When he goes for a big charge though Raven gets out of the way and Holliday goes through the cage to the floor. Raven gets a quick cover for the win.
WINNER: Raven in four minutes. This was a good intro to Raven for viewers who’ve never seen him before.
After the match Daffney joins Raven and Dr. Stevie with a straight jacket. Raven sets up a chair in the ring and Raven Effect DDTs Holliday onto it. They start to tie the straight jacket on, but Abyss runs down and they scatter.
Don West had a sit-down interview with Samoa Joe earlier today. He asks who Joe’s listening to, but Joe doesn’t listen to anyone. He is taking advice from someone, someone who might understand Joe better than Joe does. West asks about AJ Styles, and Joe says that they’ve been like brothers, and sometimes brothers fight. He asks about the MEM, and Joe says he flipped when they tried to end his career. Joe got what he has by working in the ring, whereas the MEM got what they have by backstage politicking, taking it from the people like Joe and AJ who’d earned it. At Slammiversary he’ll be honing in on Kurt Angle. That was a good promo, though they have a ways to go to rehabilitate Joe.
Lauren is in the back with Abyss, who’s starts to stroke her hair before catching himself. He laughs maniacally a bit, and says that Dr. Stevie, Raven, and Daffney can do whatever they want to him, since his body’s been through war after war after war. He shows off some scars, and says that sometimes in his sleep they actually start to bleed. When he wakes up and his sheets are red and bloody, it’s a great feeling. But when they put their hands on his girlfriend, it makes him want to cry. He makes a crying Lauren take off a bandage from her arm and reveal a large bruise. She runs off sobbing. He says that Dr. Stevie, Raven, and even Daffney shouldn’t have done what they did. His mother always told him not to hit girls, but Daffney’s not a girl, she’s a whacked out crazy bitch. After Sunday, he’ll be coming to get Dr. Stevie. When he’s through, Stevie won’t need a doctor—he’ll need a mortician. Abyss tries so very, very hard, with such utterly crappy material.
(3) DAFFNEY & ANGELINA LOVE (w/VELVET SKY & MADISON RAYNE) vs. AWESOME KONG (w/RAESHA SAEED) & TAYLOR WILDE
Love starts things off with Taylor Wilde, who wants Daffney. They brawl for a few seconds, then Wilde tags in Kong. Love immediately tags in Daffney, who Kong destroys. Daffney bounces off an attempted charge, then gets Butt Bumped in the corner. Kong tags in Wilde, who loses control when Love grabs her hair from the outside. Love tags back in, and the heels work the five-count. Love hits a high kick that barely leads to two. She whips Wilde off into the ropes, but Taylor ducks beneath the attempted clothesline and both women yank each other’s hair at the same time. Love tags out, and Daffney tries to grab Wilde, but gets kicked off. Kong tags in and clotheslines Daffney’s head off a couple times. She looks for an Awesome Bomb—Angelina Love tries to stop it with a Bicycle Kick, but Kong catches her leg and tosses her back. Rayne and Sky try to help out from the apron; Saeed pulls them down, so they hairspray her eyes. That still gives Kong enough time to hit an Implant Buster on Daffney for the win.
WINNER: Awesome Kong & Taylor Wilde in three minutes. This was a very good showcase for Kong, which is a little strange when you consider that she’s just about the only woman not to have a match on Sunday.
After the match the Beautiful People triple-team Kong, and after a brief struggle are able to drop her face first onto a steel chair. They pile on, so Tara runs down to make the save. The Beautiful People flee. Tara stares them down, and turns back towards the ring to have an awkward stare down with Awesome Kong.
JB is interviewing Team 3D, who’ll have an IWGA title defense between now and Sunday. He wants to know why Beer Money didn’t come out to save Team 3D from The British Invasion. Ray says that that’s a very good question. Team 3D didn’t have to help out Beer Money two weeks ago, and he wants to know why Beer Money weren’t there last week. Devon informs Beer Money that it would be in their best interest to explain themselves before Slammiversary.
Cody Deaner is finishing off his training in TN. He’s up to pressing two kegs at once and beating ODB at tug of war. She thinks that he might be ready, and becomes convinced when he finally catches a duck.
SoCal Val is in the back with Lethal Consequences and The Motor City Machine Guns. Lethal is not happy to see her, and they bicker while she tries to interview The Guns. Shelley begins by saying that he has no problem with Val sleeping with Sabin. He recounts how they got together with Lethal Consequences for one reason—Suicide. Lethal interrupts him mid-sentence to call Val a harlot. Shelley finishes by saying that one of Detroit’s own will reclaim the X Division Championship on Sunday and then take of Suicide’s mask. Lethal’s not happy with their declaration that one of them will become champion. Shelley tells him to just shut up and kiss Val, and they all fall to arguing. This segment was actually fairly amusing.
SoCal Val catches up with Beer Money backstage. Storm laughs at the idea that they owe anyone an explanation. Team 3D come on camera, and say that Beer Money should explain where they were last week. Storm points out that they just won $150,000. He recounts how much beer, whiskey, strippers and midgets that can buy. Devon tells them that he’s not happy—in fact he’s never happy. Storm thought that was Brother Ray’s gimmick. Devon tells them to consider this an early Christmas present, and starts to walk away. Storm calls him a bitch under his breath. Devon caught it, so he turns around and accosts Roode, who points out that Storm was the one who said it. Devon agrees, so he slugs Storm. All four start brawling.
(4) LETHAL CONSEQUENCES & THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. TEAM 3D & BEER MONEY.
Team 3D and Beer Money come out still brawling. Beer Money gain the advantage, but when they try to come to the ring Lethal Consequences cut them off with stereo Splashes. Team 3D go after Lethal Consequences. While the ref is distracted, Suicide runs into the ring and floors both Guns. Team 3D make it to the ring. They take out a damaged Sabin with a Double Team Neck Breaker and pin Shelley after a 3D.
WINNER: Team 3D & Beer Money in about fifteen seconds. That was different.
SoCal Val is in the back with AJ Styles & Samoa Joe. AJ’s looking forward to the competition Sunday. He’s not worried now that he has Joe and Daniels watching his back again. Joe says that he knows AJ better than anyone, and knows when he’s not right; AJ has a hairline fracture and hasn’t been cleared to wrestle. AJ doesn’t seem concerned, but Joe says that since he owes AJ, he’ll handle things tonight.
JB is in Mick Foley’s office, where he hires some guy I think I’m supposed to recognize but don’t to be head of security. Rocco and Sally are diamonds in the rough, but need some training. JB asks about Jarrett’s picture, but Foley says that it had deep structural damage and will be gone for weeks or months. JB is excited about a new idea—with his twitter account, he and Foley can form the “Tweak & Tweet” connection. He has a mockup of a picture of their team. Foley likes it, and says it will take the spot of a picture of AJ wrestling Angle, since it looks like Angle’s got a sock stuffed in his pants or something. JB laughs at the idea of a grown man with a sock down his pants, but Mick doesn’t pick up anything amiss. He calls down to his guy in maintenance to put up the picture. Kip James comes in to put up the picture, happy for the job.
We run down the card for Slammiversary.
JB is in the MEM locker room with Kurt Angle. JB expected Sting and Kurt to be at each other’s throats after Sting took over the Mafia, but Angle says that since then he’s been a lot calmer. He’s also learned from Sting that you don’t always have to lead by threatening and yelling, but that you can calmly reason with people. For example, he’d normally be ranting about what he’s going to do to Joe, but there’s really no need. He does want Joe to know that Steiner, Booker, and Nash will be at Slammiversary, and after Kurt kicks Joe’s ass he will become the new World Heavyweight Champion.
(5) JEFF JARRETT & MICK FOLEY (w/ROCCO & SALLY BOY) vs. AJ STYLES & SAMOA JOE vs. STING & KURT ANGLE
Foley and Sting lock up to start. Foley creates some distance with a right hand, but Sting comes back with some strikes and a Face Plant. He tags in Kurt Angle, who immediately goes behind with a hammerlock. Mick elbows him off, wrenches his arm, then tags in Jarrett. Jarrett continues to work over the left arm, then tags Mick right back in. Foley tees off on Angle in the corner, but misses on a charge and clips his knee on the turnbuckle. Angle starts kicking it, but foolishly walks into AJ & Joe’s corner. They pop him, which lets Foley hit a clothesline and tag in Jarrett. Jarrett quickly goes for a Stroke, but it’s reversed into an Angle Lock. Jarrett kicks Angle off immediately. Kurt tries to come back with an Olympic Slam, but Jarrett slips out and hits a big DDT. Mick goes over to the commentary booth since he needs a break. A kick from Sting on the apron allows Kurt to take control in the ring with an Overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex.
It’s 10:58 when we come back from the break after almost four minutes of commercials. These long, end of show ads are really starting to annoy the hell out of me. Angle is still in control of Jarrett. Jarrett gets a leg up in the corner, but when he tries to follow up with a DDT Angle knocks him down and cinches in an Angle Lock. Jarrett crawls over to the corner, but Mick’s still on commentary. Referee Slick Johnson tries to get Mick to come over. Eventually Mick comes back, but Jarrett’s annoyed and just tags in Joe. Joe floors Angle, knocks down an interfering Sting, then Power Bombs Angle into Sting. Foley goes back to commentary, but this time Jarrett goes after him. He hits Foley with a big right, then quickly plants Rocco & Sally with a chair before they can respond. He hits Foley in the back of the head with the chair while he’s at it, then whacks Sally again for no clear reason. In the ring, Angle goes to the top rope, but Joe catches him with a leaping spin kick and finishes him off with a Muscle Buster for the win.
WINNER: Samoa Joe & AJ Styles in 10 minutes.
Joe and AJ share a man-hug in the ring, and then Joe starts trash talking Angle.
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