TNA Impact Results – 07/24/2008
Report by Daniel Wilkenfeld of PWTorch.com
Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash are in the ring, which is mysteriously surrounded by a steel cage. Joe is sporting a suit, which wrestlers should really do more often. It makes things seem less silly somehow. The Impact Zone is bizarrely booing Joe as he challenges Booker to Six Sides of Steel at Hard Justice. Booker T comes out, and most of the crowd seems to be booing him too. This is not a good sign. The last time Booker saw Joe he was jumping out of an ambulance, and his daddy taught him that when people resort to stuff like that, it shows you just how scared they really are. That’s a good line. Anyway, Booker T was a drum major in high school…wait, what? I’m not sure I’m more surprised to learn that some high schools have majors, or that, of those who do, at least one counts “drumming”, but okay. Booker says they might as well have more instruments handy at Hard Justice, like tables, ladders, and chairs, so later tonight he’ll have a contract and be ready to sign. Will Joe? He signs off by warning Joe to be afraid of the dark.
JB is in the back with Christian Cage, Rhino, and AJ Styles, and he reminds them that Angle claimed that Sting will be in his corner tonight. AJ actually refers to the alleged “turn” of Sting, and he doesn’t buy it. He trusts the Stinger. Christian Cage says that if Sting shows up, he’ll be the first to go through a table. AJ protests, but Cage points out the stakes—this isn’t about winning a match, it’s about who ends who’s livelihood first. Christian walks off, and Rhino warns AJ simply: “Don’t get sucked in.”
That was a good opening segment.
We have a video package hyping Sting’s status as a legend, and reminding us about his comments regarding possible retirement. TNA still doesn’t quite have the hang of these productions, but this one was relatively solid.
(1) CONSEQUENCES CREED defeats JOHNNY DEVINE, JIMMY RAVE, and ERIC YOUNG (w/LANCE ROCK and CHRISTY HEMME)
We get to see Consequences Creed two weeks ago—might they conceivably be pushing a new star? I’ll believe it when I see it. Devine pairs off with Creed as EY gets in a cheap shot on Jimmy Rave. Young goes to the top, but Rave shoves him out of the ring. That leaves Devine in control for a sec till Creed tosses him, and we’re down to a manageable two in the ring. Rave hits a running kick for two. He sees EY coming in, and ambushes him with an STO on the apron. Creed goes to follow him out, but Lance Rock cuts him off in the ring. Rock goes for a Choke Slam, but Creed reverses it into a DDT and hits a Somersault Plancha on Rave and Devine on the outside. Somehow everyone but Creed makes it back into the ring, but EY and Devine go right back out. Creed comes in with a quick roll up on Rave for two. Rave hits an awesome Tilt-a-Whirl Arm Bar Takedown and then Rocks Creed’s World, but EY breaks up the ensuing cover at two. Young hits the Death Valley Driver on Rave, but Devine breaks up the cover. Devine nails the Devine Intervention on Young but this time it’s Creed who breaks it up at two. He goes for the CreeDDT, but it’s reversed into an attempted Devine Intervention, which is re-reversed an attempted Back Body Drop, which is re-re-reversed into a Sunset Flip, which is re-re-re-reversed into a roll up for the win.
After the match Devine ambushes Creed, with help from the Rock & Rave Infection. Devine gets a chair, but before he can use it Abyss hits the ring. Devine gets Rock & Rave to help fend off the monster, but they attack evil-ninja-style and are squished one by one. Abyss picks up the fallen chair, but, despite the crowd’s pleading, he refuses to use it.
JB is awkwardly lying on a table backstage, with Team 3D and Angle standing over him. Brother Ray says JB has pretty lips. That was awkward. He also says that they’re ready for the match, and that AJ needs to realize some things: there is no Santa Claus, OJ is innocent (Devon smiles at that one), and Sting has joined the scumbags. They know, cause they’re scumbags themselves, along with biggest scumbag of them all, Kurt Angle. If being a scumbag was an Olymbic sport, Kurt would win the gold, the silver, and the bronze. Devon takes the mic, and says that Ray might not have a lot of credibility in TNA, but he (Devon) is no liar, and he promises that Sting will be here tonight and he will shock the world. He asks Angle to testify. Angle says that Sting’s sick of trying to please the fans, cause there is no pleasing us. Actually that’s not a horrible point—we are a fickle bunch sometimes. There are no heroes in this world, only bad guys like Angle and his two new best friends. While Angle’s beating down AJ he’ll be picturing AJ lying in his bed with his wife, and when he’s done he’ll look him in the eye and ask if it was worth it.
That was an equally good second segment.
We look back at Kaz’s repeated near-pushes. It’s actually kind of cool that they’re working that into the plot. Hah—they just referred to Kaz’s win in the first ever “Steel Asylum Match”—someone clearly heard my weeks on end of complaining about what a horrible name “TerrorDome” was, and now they’re just pretending it never happened. The video recap culminates with Kaz costing Team TNA the World X Cup by taking himself out of the Ultimate X Match at Victory Road.
It’s time for Karen’s Angle. She thanks Kaz for being her first guest, and he talks about getting trained in Killer Kowalski’s school in Malden, MA. Here’s a random autobiographical fact—I probably wouldn’t be married now if it weren’t for that school. I challenge any of you to figure that one out. Karen asks who, aside from Kowalski, was the biggest influence on him. Kaz cites Bret Hart. They talk about TNA’s beginnings, and Kaz’s departure in 2005. He says that his brief tenure in WWE sucked his will to wrestle. We’re going to finish this interview next week. What happened to Tomko’s assigned run-in?
We’re three segments in, and there’ve been no real misses.
(2) MATT MORGAN defeats KORY CHAVIS
Lest anyone doubt the importance of good entrance music, Morgan’s coming down to almost-Saliva instead of “Generic Theme Music 4b” actually makes me like him much more. Poor Kory doesn’t even get entrance music…or an entrance…or a chance in hell. Morgan hits some high Hip Tosses, some big kicks, and a Leg Drop on the apron. The crowd is bizarrely alive for Morgan—I’m telling you, it’s all about the entrance music. Chavis gets some distance with an Eye Rake, but Morgan just charges him and puts him away with his Vertical-Suplex-into-a-Rock-Bottom, which has thankfully been named (“The Hellavator”).
Not-Crystal is in the back with The Motor City Machine Guns, and Sabin says that Beer Money are phonies. He calls himself and Shelley the leaders of the new generation, whereas Beer Money named their team after a made-for-DVD movie starring Zach Morris, which in turn is not to be confused with the blank DVD people get when they order the “Best of James Storm” DVD. They pause to agree that they would both do Jacqueline, but only if no one was around. Shelley riffs on Roode’s ponytail, then reminds us that Detroit, in addition to being The Motor City, is also The Murder City. So tonight they’re going to point at Beer Money and shoot, and they’re weapons are going to be the leather straps.
I’m not a fan of squashes, but The Guns make this show 4 for 4.
Not-Crystal is in the back with the Prince Justice Brotherhood, and they have come together to form a motto for their group. After some debate, Super Eric sells them on “We come in peace—they leave in pieces”, which Curry Man has some trouble getting out. That was slightly amusing.
I’m not going to count that last segment, though technically I guess the one thing it had was good.
(3) BEER MONEY (w/JACQUELINE) defeats THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS
Shelley is strapped in with Storm, and Sabin with Roode. The Guns hit some symmetrical offense, simultaneously going through the legs and flipping their opponents. They do some strapping and then go to the outside. Shelley ties Storm to the ring post as Sabin takes Roode back into the ring. A Neck Breaker gets two. Shelley and Storm come back in, and The Guns have enough slack to hit a bit of tandem offense. They each lock in a submission hold, but Jacqueline distracts the ref and they have to go deal with her. They retain control though, crotching both members of Beer Money with the two straps. Shelley goes to the top rope, but Ms. Jackie knocks him off. Roode takes advantage of Sabin’s distraction to take him to the outside and whip him into the steps. Shelley Back Body Drops Storm out of the ring, but he lands on the apron and comes back with a kick to Shelley’s head. Roode and Sabin are back in the ring, and the heels hit stereo Body Slams. They both try to follow up off the middle rope, but are both reversed into Inverse Atomic Drops. They wrap Beer Money up and hit tandem Ensuguris, then drive Roode’s head into Storm’s crotch. They hit tandem Wishbone submissions, and when Jacuqeline tries to break it up she proves ineffective. The ref gets bumped as they break up the move, which lets Jacqueline hand Storm handcuffs. He floors Sabin, and the ref comes in just in time to count the three. Why did they need to take out the ref? There aren’t any disqualifications in a strap match.
Beer Money keep the strapping going after the match, and I have to give LAX credit for being consistent—they always take their sweet time making the save.
This was weaker than some of the earlier segments, but I’ll give them 5 for 5.
(4) TAYLOR WILDE defeats VELVET SKY (w/ANGELINA LOVE)
Wilde wins with a School Girl roll up in 5 seconds.
After the match, Sky takes the mic and says that she wasn’t ready. She didn’t hear the bell ring, and dares Wilde to beat her again.
(5) TAYLOR WILDE defeats VELVET SKY (w/ANGELINA LOVE)
Sky kicks Wilde on her way back into the ring, and goes for a cover for two. Wilde gets up and sort of blows an attempted Small Package, but gets enough of a cover for three.
Love takes the mic, and says that they should be Knockout Champions. She doesn’t know who Taylor’s been dating in TNA management to get all this special treatment, but Love’s got $5000 that says that she can’t get back in the ring and do it again.
(6) TAYLOR WILDE defeats VELVET SKY (w/ANGELINA LOVE)
Wilde pulls Sky out of the ring to start the match and beats her down against the mat. She rolls Sky into the ring. She tries to whip Sky into the corner, but gets reversed. She tries to come back with a Cross Body Block, but she whiffs, and Sky has her first advantage of the match(es). She tosses Wilde to the outside and distracts the ref as Love inflicts the damage. She pulls Taylor back into the ring, but a couple of covers only get two. Sky locks in an Octopus, complete with a bite of the arm. The ref sees the bite and breaks the hold, so Taylor hits a quick roll-up for two. Sky comes back with a clothesline for two. She shoots Taylor into the ropes, but both grab for the other’s hair at the same time. They get up, and Taylor answers some forearms with a couple stiff kicks to the legs. A dropkick gets two. Taylor hits a Monkey Flip, and quickly stomps Love’s fingers on the apron. She hits a Northern Lights Suplex, so Love just attacks, drawing the DQ.
After the match, Love hits the Lights Out and gives Taylor the brown paper bag treatment as the crowd chants for ODB. Eventually they get their wish, as Kim and ODB come down to make the save (ODB, for no obvious reason, gnawing a turkey leg).
We cut to a promo of TNA’s new roster member, Daivari, who now wants to be known as Sheik Abdul Bashir. He talks about how he came here to live the American Dream, but whenever people see him they just want to pat him down for bombs. He calls America the most slanted society on the planet, and says that his success means that he’s more American than any of us. That was some really stellar heel work—viciously anti-American, but still infinitely more real than the typical caricature of, say, Mohammad Hassan.
We’re 6 for 6.
SoCal Val is visiting Sonjay Dutt in a hospital rule, and I feel our good segment streak grinding to a halt. He’s selling a concussion, and, sure enough, Val doesn’t seem to have seen the footage of Sonjay faking the injury. Oh, Sonjay asks if she saw the replay, and she says he knows she hates violence. Okay, that’s a lame explanation, but they get mad points for not just ignoring that gaping logic hole. Sonjay says that he’s been in a coma for three days, but all he could think about for her. JB asks how he could have been thinking of her while he was in a coma, but Val tells him to have some sympathy. Sonjay starts to say that if he needs to apologize for how he feels he will, but Val says that he has nothing to apologize for and that they’re going to put this behind them. Sonjay asks if that means she’s in love with him too, but the doctor comes in and says visiting hours are up. After she leaves, we see that Sonjay has somehow palmed her engagement ring. That could have been much, much worse. We get the entrances for the 6-man tag match. How come the heels don’t attack Rhino when he rushes to the ring alone?
I can’t honestly say we’re 7 for 7, but it wasn’t such a clear miss either.
(7) AJ STYLES, CHRISTIAN CAGE, & RHINO defeat TEAM 3D & KURT ANGLE
We come back just as the match gets started. They keep saying that five people have to go through tables, but I don’t see why one team can’t be wiped out. Christian and Angle are in the ring, where they fend off each other’s finishers. AJ and Ray come into the ring, where AJ not surprisingly takes control. Ray rolls to the outside, so AJ follows him out with a Cross Body Block. Devon and Rhino are fighting in the crowd as Christian and Angle fight up the ramp. Devon chokes out Rhino with a camera cord. The action goes back into the ring, where the clean pairings break down to a brawl. Ray and Devon go to get a table, but AJ and Christian dropkick the table back into them. AJ sets up the table in the ring, but Brother Ray turns things around with a Back Body Drop. Rhino makes it just in time to shove the table out of the way. Devon reenters the ring and tosses Rhino. They set AJ up on the table, but take too long, and Christian comes in to make the save. Styles fights off Brother Ray as Cage and Rhino put Devon through a table. All three just tee off on Brother Ray, but when they pause to celebrate Angle comes back in and floors everyone with chairs.
Brother Ray and Angle have Christian isolated in the ring. Apparently Rhino was eliminated during the break when he Gored a table. I guess you don’t have to be put through by an offensive maneuver. Cage tosses Brother Ray and hits an Inverted DDT on Angle. He sets Angle up on a table, but Angle grabs the referee and Devon comes out to trip up Christian. They 3D Christian through a table, and it becomes two-on-one. AJ takes both men down with a Double Clothesline, and catches Brother Ray with a Pele on the way back up. AJ sets up a table while Ray calls for a timeout. Johnny Devine comes out and tries to toss powder in AJ’s eyes, but AJ ducks and Ray is blinded. AJ tosses Devine into Ray, who, thinking he has a hold of AJ, Power Bombs him through a table. AJ knocks Ray through a table on the outside, as the crowd (mostly) explodes for him. He knocks down Angle and sets him up on a table, with the ref taking a bump in the process. AJ goes to the top rope, but Frank Trigg sneaks up behind him and nails him with a kendo stick. Angle nails an Olympic Slam on AJ through the table, and the ref comes back to see AJ in the broken table and call for the bell. That’s two ref bumps for no obvious reason in essentially no-DQ matches.
Booker T and Sharmell hit the ring, contract in hand. Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash are out next. Booker observes that he brought his wife, and Joe brought his…he trails off, and Nash doesn’t look happy. Booker says that he’s added some weapons to the stipulation, and he’s ready to sign, but wants Joe to send off his little buddy first. Joe says that he wants the man carrying his title to comfortable, so he’ll send Nash to the back, but he wants Booker to send his “wench” back as well. Booker is amused that Joe seems scared of his wife, but says she can go. He gives her a long kiss, then looks at Nash and says that Joe’s welcome to do the same. Joe says that he would, but he’s heard that Sharmell’s not a good kisser. Nash is amused. Booker signs the contract, but before Joe can sign the lights go out and Sting’s music hits. A second later the lights come back on, Joe’s lying prone in the center of the ring, and Booker’s standing over him with Sting’s “trademark” black baseball bat.
TNA Impact Results – 07/24/2008