Source: Sam Jerry
Grandpa Dudley invited me over for a few swigs out of a new jug of his best corn squeezing’s, breaking the seal after it has spent four full weeks aging. After three or four turns, we got to talking about what’s been going on in wrestling. We had to get started because that was about my limit as I was starting to see Dancing Dirtbag Doopus Page Bears in Tutu’s. Here’s what I remember, or at least I think I do. before I went belly up:
1. The Chumpster was on his favorite radio program in Tampa again telling the world that without him Wrestlemania was going to be a failure. He said he turned down half of The Emperor’s fortune to appear (actually it was $400,000, but why quibble over a few million). This coming from a man who has been over-the hill since 1995, and who squeezes a nickel so hard that the Indian doesn’t have a chance to kiss the Buffalo’s ass on the way by. Here’s a clue for him: Your presence is about as needed as The Brooklyn Brawler at a GQ photo shoot.
2. It looks like The Emperor is doing his best to make TNA a viable competitor. TNA had been mostly a bunch of WWE cast-offs, has-beens, never-wases and never will-bes, until they snagged the best tag team of all time (The Dudley Boyz), followed by Our American Olympic Hero/Zero (Kurt Angle and his amazing glass neck). Now it appears like he is about to “give” them Rob Van Dam and Sabu. At the rate The WWE is losing talent, TNA is starting to look like it is here to stay. Throw in their own real stars (Samoa Joe and The Phenomenal A. J. Styles), and TNA may just give WWE a run for The Emperor’s money.
3. One of Wrestlemania’s big matches has The Next, Next Big Thing putting his World Championship up against The Grim Reaper, who is going for 15-0 at Wrestlemania. It isn’t often that such a big match pits two top faces against each other. The Dead Person stood by The WWE when others were going for the gold at WCW. It is fitting that he gets to wear the Belt one more time before he rides his bike off to wherever it is dead people ride off to. Not to worry, as he will return the favor at one of the PPV’s soon after in a rematch … unlike The Chumpster who would demand the deeds to three states, the The Next, Next Big Thing’s first born and $3.75 million in return.
4. Time for a math lesson. I understand there’s another ‘new’ math that originated in merry old England. In this math it is possible to hold an election, get a bundle of votes and end up with 0% of the votes cast. Hell, even in Not-So-Beautiful Upper Dudleyville, where they have trouble just adding on their fingers, they know better than that. When they elected their last Mayor, Dirtbag ran last getting two votes (his and third cousin William Jefferson Dudley’s) giving him a total of 1%.
The room is starting to spin a bit faster. I am going to have to end this while I’m still semi-conscious. I can hear Grandpa laughing at me … or is it Grandma … I can’t tell the difference. Then again, sometimes I can’t tell the difference when I’m 100% sober. Until next … BANG!
This is Grandpa Dudley. That thud you just heard was SamJerry hitting the floor. Some people just can’t hold their squeezing’s. I’ll let him sleep for the next 12 hours and then toss him into Dudley Creek if he isn’t up by then. That always wakes a body.