After about ten million years of “connecting,” the Velocity show is finally ready to go as the videos go off and I hear the annoying voice of Steve Romero. Slow internet sucks especially when you don’t know why it’s slow.
The Dicks Vs. Funaki & Scotty 2 Hotty
Anyone else reminded of the Heart Throbs by the Dicks? With their ring gyrating while they take off their entrance gear, all I can think about is the goofy tag team from Raw and how quickly they got demoted over there. Hmm, I wonder if that will happen here. Anyway, this was a pretty bland tag team match between the two. It started off with some nice chain wrestling and basic holds/maneuvers that I thought was a good testament to how over Scotty and Funaki are. These guys got more over with a correct hip toss than Cena does with his modified version. Towards the middle of the match, the Legion of Doom made their way out because the Dicks cost them the tag titles (a fact the creative team just seemed to forget about in the past month or so) and they added an extra oomph to the match. By oomph, I mean no one gave a flying shit that these guys came out. From there, Scotty 2 Hotty became the face-in-peril of course and by God, the Dicks need to fix how they work over the peril guy. It was completely crap and I barely even believed Scotty was hurt. Well, to be fair, I never really believe that but I think you get my point. Funaki had a very nice hot tag that followed including a nice bulldog/Huricanrana spot to both the Dicks. What’s sad is that he did the hot tag better than our current SmackDown! champion. Hmm, one match equals two instances where one or two of the faces here do something miles better than the champs of either brand. What’s wrong with this equation? In the end, the Dicks hit their double-team slam followed by their version of the AMW Death Sentence and got the win to end the bland match.
Winners: The Dicks
Star Wrestler: Funaki
Besides the nice opening, the only thing I could stomach about the match was Funaki’s hot tag that brought the fans to their feet. The Dicks suck really badly and I’m not trying to make a Josh Matthews joke there either. Scotty 2 Hotty got some nice offense in, but the majority of it was routine and set-up for the W-O-R-M so should I really provoke behavior like that? In any case, Funaki was the only real reason to watch the match and if you don’t like Funaki, save yourself the trouble of seeing an offense mounted by the Dicks.
Since WWE can’t go about twenty seconds without plugging something, we get a commercial hyping the Wrestlemania DVD box set which is good, if you have the money. Emphasis on “if you have the money.”
Now for some reason, the next video match/segment doesn’t really work one hundred percent as there is no visual, but rather audio. Well, naturally, Dean cuts a promo so I’m able to talk about that. He says he doesn’t look too well because of his match with the Boogeyman and I can obviously attest to that. He talks about how he was dragged into the match. He says that since then, he can’t sleep, hasn’t shaven, and his workouts have faltered. Is that how WWE’s going to try and explain the loss of physique with a lot of their stars because of the new drug policy? He says the crowd thinks it’s a big joke and it sounds like the local jobber’s laughing at Dean too because Dean gets pissed and nails him with what sounded like a kick.
Caprice Coleman Vs. Simon Dean
Still no video, but that shouldn’t stop me! This match really showed me just how abysmal the commentating in WWE is. Josh Matthews is not that bad as he’s supposed to be the color man, but Steve Romero is supposed to be the play-by-play guy and didn’t call shit. From what I heard, Simon Dean was nailing Caprice with some repeated shots that shook the ring. The crowd gasped at times so I think some more high spots followed. Apparently, Caprice Coleman delivered two or three dropkicks that got huge pops. Actually, it sounds like Caprice made a very good comeback, but I missed it. After the comeback, it sounds like Dean hit the Simonizer for the win in a match I can give a definite five star rating.
Winner: Simon Dean
Star Wrestler: Caprice Coleman
From the sounds of it, Simon Dean didn’t do too well in this match while Caprice Coleman had some nice dropkicks and an overall “impressive” comeback. Take into account that I’m judging this all on the crowd and Steve Romero. Ugh, I feel dirty.
Still without video, they hype up the Divas magazine which I can guess has some pictures of the scantily dressed ladies with horribly vacant looks on their faces. Just a wild guess. To my chagrin, the video comes back as they play a recap of the recent Taker-Orton saga which will yield a good match, but at what cost? Seriously, it all seems like it’s out of a horror movie with worse acting and directing than a low-budget porn movie. Hopefully this upcoming episode of SD will try and salvage the storyline, but that’s a very big hope.