Sam Jerry sent in the following…
ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE
“WILL THE REAL SAMJERRY PLEASE STAND UP … IF HE CAN”
“ONE MORE TRIP TO THE O.R. AND ICU AND I GET TO OWN THEM”
I have spent the last six months in Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville, under the care of the world’s preeminent back specialist, as well as the best cook this side of Cousin Billy Ray Bob’s still. Of course I’m speaking of Grandma Dudley. She has been nursing me and feeding her special pot luck stew. No one dares ask what she puts in it, but I can tell you when she makes it she isn’t a two, four or multi-legged creature to be found for days afterwards. Now that I think of it, I haven’t seen many things flying around the house either. I can tell you that it’s safer eating it than telling her you really aren’t that hungry. Old Billy Bob Ray Bob did that back in ’96 and hasn’t been seen since. Grandma swears that tough piece of hide in the stew wasn’t from his boots, but I swear I recognized the them. I could call the local CSI in, but that would only piss Grandma off and I can’t run fast enough.
You really didn’t want a gossip column (and quite possibly now a wrestling column either) but it’s Wrestlemania time and as much as I’m ailing, I just had to slap a few words together. Grandpa Dudley is madder than a pregnant cow standing on one of it’s udders. Why is he so bent out of shape? He says old Vince McMahon is committing a crime against nature by staging Wrestlemania without The Dudley Boyz, Bubba Ray and DeVon, and to make matters even words, no Little Spike Dudley, the white sheep of the family. If he hears I wrote about Wrestlemania knowing The Boyz aren’t on the card, I could end up draped over the hood of his pick-up.
What I thought I might do is run thru the card as we know at this time and give you my thoughts on each match, and naturally give your my guaranteed winners. Between now and Wrestlemania you’ll probably see another hundred or so predictions. You can save yourself the time and just throw them away because after reading this, you’ll have the straight skinny. Here goes:
WWE Championship – The best former TV Stock Expert in wrestling (C) vs. The Prototype (hiding under the name John Cena): WTF Stock Man ever won the Title is beyond me. Even worse than that WTF he has held it so long. The only thing I can think of is he has been giving The Emperor great advice on the market. A clue that his ass is grass and The Prototype is a lawnmower is his telling The Emperor to invest in his company that plans to build Condominiums in Antarctica. He may end up on a one-way trip to Antarctica after The Protype stuffs his sorry ass into the tail pipe of his limo.
World Championship – HHH (C) vs. The Next, Next Big Thing: Over a year ago I told you about The Next, Next Big Thing and predicted he was the future of The WWE. Not to pat myself on the back (since that is close to a smack on the ass), but you heard it here first. He has everything it takes to follow in the foot steps of The Rock, SCSA, and HBK. If anyone can make The Princess’s Consort give up what he loves most, it’s him. He has shown everything he has every tool needed to be Champion and carry RAW. Hell, HHH may take some time off after this match and concentrate on making a new Prince or Princess, or even both.
Money In the Bank Ladder Match – No. 1 Contender for the World Championship Match:
Six of RAW’s best in a Ladder Match with a shot at the Title as the prize. What more could you ask for. All that is missing is Mr. Hardy, who has been replaced by The Uncrowned World Champion, Kane. The WWE couldn’t risk Hardy being in the ring with Edge, or we might have seen the best shoot match even staged in The USA. For those of you who live in Outer Mongolia and haven’t heard, Edge has been playing Ron Jeremy to Lita‘s (Hardy’s (ex) girlfriend) Jasmine St. Clair. With Y2Jock Strap, Canadian Crybaby No. 2, Captain Annoying and Shelly Benjamin in the mix, this could be the best match on the card. Throw Kane and Edge out immediately. Why? Seems there’s some Rule that Kane is not allowed to hold the Title, and Edge has been a bed boy. Captain Annoying? Not in this or any other lifetime. Shelly is another of the WWE’s future stars, but not at this time. That leaves Jockstrap and CC No. 2. Flip a coin: Heads it’s Jockstrap; Tails it’s CC No. 2. If the coin stands on end, it will be Legs, who will run in and lay on top of anyone on the mat. Not being a fool, whoever it is wont move a muscle to throw her off (would you)? and Legs will get the win. The coin says … Tails.
Women’s Championship – Delicious Trish (C) vs. Playboy’s Latest Cover girl: In case you haven’t noticed, Trish has become quite a wrestler. She has gone from just another pretty face to real wrestler. Cover girl has gone from Bouncy to Jiggly. Under the tutorage of Tajiri (who taught get The Tarantula (he had her in it 15 minutes the other day … it took them another 30 minutes to pry her loose and two hours to wipe the smile off Stair’s face); Steven Regal, who taught her the dreaded Kick To The Scrotum (Note to Regal: I know you’re English, but Trish is plumbed differently); and Lita, who taught her how to … I can’t say since this is a family newsletter. It would be easy to say the Cover girl will win, but that would be worse than Paris Hilton winning, although Paris could teach Cover a few things also. Damn I have this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that Cover girl will win. It’s either that or something from Grandma’s stew trying to eat it’s way out.
Piper’s Pit, with Stone Cold Beer Man (SCBM) as his guest. Guaranteed Piper’s motor mouth will get him a Stunner or six … and who deserves it more? Maybe SCBM will give us some scoop on his future plans. I would hope if nothing else we see him on a couple of PPV’s. Heaven knows The Emperor would give his first born (sorry Shane) to have SCBM back full time. With him and The Rock making nice in Hollyweird, the PPV buy rates have been lower than Moolah’s twins. Speaking of The Rock, rumor has it that he has been talking with Jeffrey Jarrett about appearing on a TNA PPV. That would be the biggest coup since Brutus slipped it to Julius Caesar. I can’t believe The Rock, annoyed as he may be about being slighted, would cross The Emperor like that. His grandfather and father both worked for the WWE and that would be a slap heard around the wrestling world; The Rock has more class then that.
Sumo Match – Akebono vs. The Big Slow – Gimme a break! Akebono, a Grand Yokozuna is a shoving match with The Big Slow! Can you picture Slowass in a Sumo Belt and String down his butt crack. That could get the PPV thrown off the air. Yuck! Just the thought makes me want to throw up Grandma Dudley’s stew. Actually Slowass would wear his patented “Over The Shoulder Fat Holder” ring attire, but what would Akebono wear? Does anyone give a rat’s back side about this “match?” I thought not. It’s just a way of getting another “big” name on the program in the annual Wrestlemania Gimmick Match, and rewarding Slowass for Meritorious Service (Hey, what do I know … it sounds good).
Who will win? Who cares? The sooner it’s over, the sooner we can get back to wrestling. Look at it this way: a great time for a bathroom break, or to get a cold one.
Cowboy Bob No. 3 vs. The Undertaker – In what Cowboy calls The Next Stop On The Legend Killer Tour. Up until a few days ago I was sure Cowboy was going to end Taker’s Wrestlemania winning streak; now I’m not so sure. News leaking out that Cowboy has been less than a stellar gentleman away from the ring makes me think The Emperor wants to keep his Push in neutral. If he wins, it will be via a DQ or with outside help. A likely scenario is the old “No Decision,” allowing Taker to keep his streak and Cowboy to say Taker didn’t beat him. I see them going to the next SmackDown PPV and Cowboy beating Taker there.
HBK vs. Our American Olympic Zero – This match pits two of the best wrestlers ever (not counting The Huckster and The Ultimate Whiner of course). Sweet Chin Music vs. The Angle Slam and Angle Ankle Lock. At this point is HBK’s career, he doesn’t need to prove anything. He can take a loss and keep on ticking. Angle, health allowing, has several more years to go. I see an Ankle Lock in HBK’s future. How’s this for a wild scenario: HHH comes down and helps old buddy HBK? Wouldn’t that put a twist in your knickers?
Mama Guerrero’s Favorite Taco Chomper vs. Fay Wray Mysterio – This match hasn’t been announced yet and may not even happen, but it gets two of the better workers on the card and a Wrestlemania pay out. Should it happen, Taco Chomper will do what he does best: Lie, Cheat and Steal. Remember Chavo has been trying to stir things up between these two. What better time than Wrestlemania. Two great workers and a potentially great match. Fay Wray wins when Chavo interferes, against Fay Wray’s wishes. After the match they will all head to The Guerrero Ranchero for Tacos and Cervaza. Ole!
Last and most assuredly least, Booger T vs. Heidenreich – Another match not yet made official … and with any luck, it wont. Booger T is ready to head to Shady Acres Rest Home For Very Old Wrestlers; Heidenreich is one his way to the padded cell next to Michael Meyers. The Way Over-The-Hill vs. Will Never Climb The Hill. If anyone cares, and I seriously doubt it, Booger will win, if for no other reason than The Emperor has a soft spot for no talent old guys … just look how long The Huckster hung around.
There you have it. straight scoop from Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville. Health allowing, I’ll be back soon. Of course if I get deluged with mail telling me I belong in Shady Acres Rest Home For Very Old And No Talent Wrestling Writers, I’ll pack my terminal and have cousin Sue Ellen Lou Dudley drive me over. Maybe I can convince her to hang around and nurse me back to health. Did I mention cousin Sue Ellen Lou Dudley was just named Miss Dudleyville 2005?