~~~~~THE TBL NEWSLETTER~~~~~
Volume 3, Issue 12
Official Newsletter of:
The Balrog’s Lair
“Still an Internet Original!”
“It’s What You’ve Been Waiting For”
Welcome back to the TBL and WOW Revolution Newsletter. It’s with a touch of sadness that we come to you this week. With all the deaths recently surrounding the world of Professional Wrestling, it begins to make you wonder what exactly is going on. So many are going at such young ages.
Well, we will try not to let that get us down too much and try to bring to you the very best Newsletter on the net with the same gusto that we always do. Personally, I want to thank all of you that have signed up recently. We’ve seen a great many new faces lately and we are so pleased that you’ve joined the fun. And to those of you that have been getting this Newsletter for years – we want to say a hearty “Thank You” for letting us do this week in and week out. Ya’ll rule `n stuff.
Let’s stop wasting time and get to it.
R.I.P Michael Lockwood
Michael Lockwood, best known for his character “Crash Holly” on WWE television, was found dead on Thursday. The body was discovered around 1pm EST at the home of current WWE star Steven Richards. He was 34 years old. It is not confirmed at this time what the cause of death was and I choose not to speculate here. Lockwood was currently wrestling as “Mad Mikey” in NWA:TNA. Both organizations have issued statements on their perspective websites. We in the TBL family would like to offer our condolences and prayers to the family. (Credit The Balrog’s Lair)
Lex Luger Set to Return To Wrestling
Lex Luger will be making his national return to wresting next Wednesday for NWA:TNA. A tag match has been set for Luger/Jarrett vs. Sting/AJ Styles at the upcoming PPV.
Luger was last seen by mainstream wrestling fans as a part of WWA. Many critics dubbed him as “out of shape” then. It was, however, the death of Elizabeth “Miss Elizabeth” in his home and the subsequent query into the drugs found there that brought Luger back to national attention. (Credit 1wrestling)
Will the Deadman Return?
The Undertaker has recently been giving interviews stating that he will not be returning to his “Deadman” gimmick, which has been rumored as of late. He states that he enjoys his character now and does not want to take a step backward. However, rumors persist that the outcome of the Survivor Series “Buried Alive” match will cause Taker to take some time off and return in his old persona. It is believed that his interviews could be a way of trying to throw others off the scent. (Credit 1wrestling)
Man Arrested For Selling Steroids to Wrestlers
John Todd Miller, 35, was arrested last week in Hillsborough County for “illegal dispensary for muscle-building steroids, with a client list that included local professional wrestlers, businessmen and law enforcement officers.”
The month long investigation has led to Miller being charged with 14 felonies. The Sheriff’s office maintains that he supplied to many prominent wrestlers. The names of the wresters implicated have not been released to the public yet. (Credit The Balrog’s Lair)
Austin Speaks on Goldberg and Vince
Steve Austin gave an interview to TGW this week and here are some highlights:
He said he recently had a meeting with Vince McMahon regarding his character. He said that he wants a very hands-on approach with his character development, but is very satisfied with the way things have been going so far. He said that the main problems he sees right now is that the creative department seems to be too focused on comedy and not with serious issues. He also talked about how much he would like to wrestle Goldberg one day, but that his health may prevent that from happening. He regrets that the match didn’t come off a few years ago, when it would have likely been a big money-maker.
WWE Wins Lawsuit
Law.com reported this week that the WWE won their lawsuit with Stanley Shenker. Shenker was suing World Wrestling Entertainment for ending his contract prematurely regarding a merchandise deal. Stamford Superior Court Judge Chase T Rogers called Shenker a “serial perjurer” due to repeated lies during the discovery phase of the trial. The case was thrown out and the court ruled in favor of the WWE’s counter claims. The dollar amount will be issued in a hearing later on. Shenker sued the WWE for at least 6.5 million dollars in fees that he claimed was owed to him at the time of his firing. It was learned during the case that Shenker was involved in an under-the-table merchandising deal with James Bell, who was the senior vice president of licensing and marketing at the time.
Interesting Notes Regarding The Wedding
The Torch Newsletter reported this week that despite being long-time friends, Sean Waltman was not invited to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon’s wedding. It is not clearly known why, but many speculate that it is due in large part to Waltman’s relationship with Joanie Lauer (formerly WWE star “Chyna”). Lauer is Triple H’s ex-girlfriend and since she and Waltman were a couple at the time the invitations went out, it was probably for the best that they were not invited. Since leaving professional wrestling, Waltman (formerly WWE star “X-Pac”) has withdrawn himself from the industry and has little contact with his old friends.
Rodney Mack was recently evaluated by Dr. James Andrew, who believes he will need reconstructive knee surgery to repair a torn posterior cruciate ligament. It is expected that he will be out of action for at least six months. (credit 1wrestling)
The current plan is still that Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade will turn heel in the near future. The duo has been playing the part of heels in various house shows throughout the country. The set up for the turn is planned to be from the words of HBK on a recent RAW, when he said to them “It’s not about making friends, it’s about getting things done.” (credit The Observer)
Many have wondered who “Little Johnny” is. The mystery man that John Heidenreich refers to is planned to be a split personality of Heidenreich – lending credence to The Hurricane’s comments about him being crazy. (Credit The Torch)
Speaking of The Hurricane, he was told to stop using the chokeslam as his finisher. Many believe that he is too small to use the move – although, that was the appeal for him to use it in the first place. (Credit 1wrestling)
There has been much concern in the WWE about Rikishi’s weight. His recent television appearance showed that he had grown bigger during his time off. Management has told him slim down some and to work on his workrate. (Credit 1wrestling)
Billy Kidman, Paul London, and Spanky were all told to slow it down in the ring and use more psychology after working with the FBI in some house shows. All three possess amazing ability to perform in the ring, but their “fast-paced” style isn’t sitting well with road agents. (Credit The Torch)
Stephanie McMahon will be returning as head of the creative team this upcoming week. And Triple H is expected to be at RAW on Monday to help hype his Survivor Series match with Goldberg. (Credit 1wrestling)
Brother Love, an old WWE character from the 80’s, had throat surgery last week due to his years of using his unique voice for the character. (Credit prowrestling.com)
Finally, Tajiri has been impressing management lately for his in-ring work and his character development. Many have seen Tajiri recently speak more English and his “Japanese Mafia” stable has been going well. (Credit 1wrestling)
I read this on 411 Mania this week and have chosen to reproduce it here. It gives a very detailed description of the PPV buyrates for the WWE over the past few years and gives an interesting trend. Many thanks to those guys over there and I hope you’ll visit them sometime.
WWE has released their latest batch of PPV buyrates at their corporate website.
WWE No Mercy, headlined by Vince McMahon vs. Stephanie McMahon, did roughly 200,000 buys. The WWE October PPV last year did roughly 300,000 buys. The WWE October PPV in 2001 did roughly 325,000 buys.
The second WWE Smackdown only PPV dropped 100,000 buys from the first.
The first WWE RAW only PPV did 325,000 buys, but the second RAW only PPV dropped to 260,000 buys.
WWE Summerslam in August did roughly 375,000 buys, way down from the roughly 500,000 buys that last year’s Summerslam (headlined by The Rock vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title) did. Summerslam in 2001 did roughly 550,000 buys.
Just for reference, the WWE InVasion PPV in July of 2001 did roughly 775,000 buys and WrestleMania in March of 2002 did 850,000 buys. It has been pretty much down hill since then.
Here is a look at all the PPV buyrates for this year compared to last:
January ’03 – Royal Rumble: 500,000 buys (’02: 675,000 buys)
February ’03 – No Way Out: 450,000 buys (’02: 550,000 buys)
March ’03 – WrestleMania: 550,000 buys (’02: 850,000 buys)
April ’03 – Backlash: 375,000 buys (’02: 400,000 buys)
May ’03 – Judgment Day: 275,000 buys (’02: 375,000 buys)
June ’03 – Bad Blood RAW-only: 325,000 buys (’02: 325,000 buys)
July ’03 – Vengeance SD-only: 300,000 buys (’02: 375,000 buys)
August ’03 – Summerslam: 375,000 buys (’02: 500,000 buys)
September ’03 – Unforgiven RAW-only: 260,000 buys (’02: 300,000 buys)
October ’03 – No Mercy SD-only: 200,000 buys (’02: 300,000 buys)
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by: Eddie T
Hey Hey Hey. I’m Eddie, that one dude who writes N & A at TBL. Go check it out. (Cheap plugs rule). I’m here to give you a really quick and short rundown of this week’s WWE TV. That’s the point of this little section. Away we go…
WRESTLER OF THE WEEK — Bill Goldberg
Big Bill made his awaited return to RAW, and what a return it was. It wasn’t so much Goldberg himself that made it good, but the segment as a whole was booked great. They are trying to give the rub to Big Bill through Austin, which is also nice. He proved on RAW that when booked right, and given the opportunity, he wont’ disappoint. Hmm, I guess now some people know why WCW made so much money with him.
MATCH OF THE WEEK — John Cena vs. Rey Mysterio
There was just something about this match that made it so good for me. I’ve enjoyed Cena’s turn so far.
SHOW OF THE WEEK – SmackDown
Hard to decide which one was better this week, but I’d give that honor to SmackDown only because the important Cena turn took place. Then again, Goldberg returned on RAW. Tough choices people, tough choices. Overall, SmackDown was a solid show that had some good wrestling, and I enjoyed that.
IMPROVEMENT OF THE WEEK — Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak
I never minded these two in the past, but this past Monday night they truly proved to me that they’re worthy of being in the WWE for one reason only — they’re ready to do whatever it takes to get to the top. To see the drive on their faces was enough for me. We’ll see more of these two soon as WWE is very high on them, especially Cade.
DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WEEK — Eddie Guerrero
Although Vince McMahon was my number one pick after completely proving my hopes from last week wrong, I’d have to go with Eddie Guerrero. It’s just too sad to watch WWE be stupid. Not only are they not giving Eddie the push he deserves, but they’ve turned this golden mine that accidentally took off earlier this year and have put it in a tag team storyline. Horrible.
I should be back next week with more! Stay tuned to TBL for the latest!
THE TWO SHEDS REVIEW
By: Julian Radbourne
A few weeks ago I began one of my columns with the words “this sucks”. Again, I’m going to use this phrase.
I found out a short time ago that Mike Lockwood, the artist formerly known as Crash Holly, has died. He was just two years older than me.
I don’t want to sound like stuck record, but again, this sucks. Coming so soon after the deaths of Stu Hart and Road Warrior Hawk, I find myself writing about the death of a wrestler, about the death of a person who has entertained me a great deal while watching this great industry.
Of course, many fans in Britain will know Mike for his work in the WWE, first as the tag-team partner of Bob “Hardcore” Holly, and then as the man who first defended the Hardcore title under the 24/7 stipulation rule.
In both scenarios, Mike excelled. As a small man in the tag-team division, Crash always tried to make us think he was a giant among giants, telling us he weighed in excess of 400 pounds when in truth he weighed just over 200, and while his reign as tag-team champion may not have been as exciting as many of the others around that time, (remember, this was around the time that the Dudleys, Hardys, and Edge & Christian were lighting up the scene), it was certainly one of the most entertaining.
And then there was his entry into the hardcore division. Many have credited Mick Foley with giving the Hardcore title respect, but the division didn’t really take off until Crash Holly was crowned champion. After declaring on television that he would defend the title anyplace, anywhere, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, it seemed his work was cut out for him. He was chased everywhere, not just by the wrestlers, but by the Godfather’s ho’s, and even Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco. These segments made the Hardcore title, and was probably one of the most entertaining aspects of the WWE at the time.
Finally, let’s not forget Crash’s all too brief reign as the Light-Heavyweight Champion, which sadly only last a little over a month, beating the great Dean Malenko for the title before dropping it to Jerry Lynn on Lynn’s first night with the company.
Because of his multiple reigns as Hardcore Champion, Crash Holly will go down as one of the most decorated WWE wrestlers in history. It’s a said day for wrestling that a man who was respected by his peers and gave his all to entertain the fans is taken from us in such a way. To say it’s a shock would be an understatement.
Again, as the song goes, one by done, only the good die young.
Jay Strikes Back!
Smackdown. I loved this show from pretty much top to bottom. The cena Face turn is looking more and more likely. I love Team Lesner. This is what a heel stable should look like. BEEFCAKE!! BEEFCAKE!!! And with my favorite wrestler Albert on the team, this team is complete. The storyline of this angle is great. You have the faces in trouble with everyone going down. I’m actually not sure how this will end up, I would guess hardcore holly will join up with team angle. The CAT is on TV!!! SOME BODY CALL MY MOMMA! One of my favorites from WCW, I hope to see him in the ring soon! I can’t get enough of a Face team that cheats to win, the Guerrero’s are hilarious and great to watch. I can’t get enough of Ultimo Dragon, and I like this feud with Noble/Tajiri. Noble was a good cruiserweight champion with a long reign and I like this more serious side of him, makes him look like a legit wrestler instead of a hick actor. Themain event also did its job it made team Lesner look pretty dominant.
RAW. I HATED this show from top to bottom. The entire show was centered around Stone Cold Steve Austin and how he had to trust people. Yawn. Was it this Happy Fun Feeling Time or Wrestling? I am not a very big fan of Batista and he was all over this show. Sometimes there are wrestlers you just don’t like without having a legit reason, Batista is that guy for me. He comes on and I end up flipping the channels. Kane’s dream segment was corny and cheesy. Nothing interesting at all happened on this show. A waste of time to anyone who watched it.
What you can’t possibly think of anything worse than RAW this week? Well Smackdown did have one flaw this week. No it wasn’t the Hardcore Holly video, that was ok but not horrible. Yup, it was the Vince McMahon promo. His acting his so cheesy and so it’s obvious that the fans are tired of seeing Vince on every show sucking up way to much time. He babbles on about being the chosen one, is Vince a Jeff Jarrett wannabe (?), and how he wants forgiveness. I WILL FORGIVE YOU IF YOU GET OFF MY TV SET.
Bottom Line: I’m a huge RAW fan, but this week has turned the tides completely, I am not looking forward to this week’s show and can’t wait to see Smackdown.
Email Jay Here!
“ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE”
“YOU CAN’T TURN A ‘HO’ INTO A HOUSEWIFE”
“WHY NOT? THEY TURNED AUSTIN INTO BATISTA’S BITCH”
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/samjerry
Before I start, to those who wrote and asked, I want to make it perfectly clear that I haven’t been traded to The SmackDown Brand. I wrote an Article about SmackDown last week, and not one for NITRO II. As for doing a TV Recap Article, something I have tried to get away from, all I can say is … “Just when I thought I was through with the business, I keep getting pulled back in.”
Another Monday, Another NITRO II. Who could ask for anything more? With The Okie Widebody and The King of Puppy Jokes at the helm, we are off and stumbling. For those who have been bitching and moaning (and rightfully so) about this (un)Dynamic Duo, consider this: We could be listening to Tony The Shill and The Ancient Perfessa. Keep that in mind when you hear The Okie “Sloberknockering” and The Puppy King drooling and slobbering over Trish and her plastic enhancements. Thank God for small favors. They are kind enough to tell us that the Main Event will be The Over-The-Hill-Kid, with God on his side, v. The World’s Strongest Man, circa the late ’80’s (although the way he sweats, he is probably still The World’s Strongest Man if you consider his arm pits … A walking commercial for Extra-Strength Deodorant Spray).
It’s Show time and time for 15-20 of Bullshit. Holy Batmobile, we are starting with a match! OK, I’ll wit for those of you that missed NITRO II to recover before I continue. You’re back and we are actually going to start with a match, it wasn’t a swerve. It’s a Tag Team Match pitting Y2Jockstrap and The Canadian Mountie without portfolio, Christiani, v. RVD and The Most Overrated ‘Wrestler’ since Lenny Montana (look it up in you Wrestling History Book), Booger T. While the good guys were watching the ramp, the baddies came out of the crowd and back doored them (get you minds out of the gutter). It should be noted that The Okie was even more surprise than The Goodies by this dastardly act (You don’t suppose he was fibbing, do you? Either that or he didn’t read the script).
Even with Booger there to screw things up, it was a match worth watching. Now if only The Emperor would let bygones be bygones and hire Sabu, and reunite him with RVD, we would see a real tag team. They were ECW Champions for something like 25 years, allowing The Dudley Boyz to have the titles every so often. Following trademark moves by all, the match came to and end when Jockstrap pinned RVD … as Christiani held RVD’s leg down from ringside. Imagine that, The Baddies winning via cheating … who woulda thunk it? I thought The Okie was going to soil his BVD’s at their actions. Oh well, as a great philosopher once said, “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat,” or something close to that.
Time for our first trip backstage. Stone Cold Beer Man (SCBM) was taking a leisurely stroll when he bumped into The Crotch. The Crotch told SCBM that he wanted to have the first interview with him after Survivor Series to get his feelings on joining the unemployment line. SCBM assured him he would he would be the first person he spoke to after his team’s match. The Crotch left a long brown trail behind him as he departed. Note to The Crotch: There are plenty of rooms available at The Outer Mongolia Motel 6. I suggest he leave now.
Backstage again where Miss 44 DDD is interviewing The Ladies Champion, Lardass. As I watched, I wondered which was bigger, Miss 44 DDD’s 44 DDD’s or Lardass’ ass. Not being very polite, probably as a result of her poor upbringing, growing up in a low rent trailer park. Lardass grabbed the mic and began a tirade of manure. She bitched about the attention Lita is getting since her return, and how little respect she gets, yada, yada, yada. She then proceeded to play basketball with Miss 44 DDD, dribbling her out onto the ramp. The crowd oohed and aahed as she rolled and bumped her way down the ramp, ending up in the ring. Her plastic surgeon was watching at home and proceeded to call his nurse, telling her to get the O.R. ready, and make sure they had plenty of enhancement material on hand. Trying to keep her body parts covered, Miss 44 DDD tried to fight back, but her arms weren’t long enough to reach past her enhancements. Lardass sat on her and it was case closed. Miss 44 DDD was lost beneath the Lardass’ ass. The Bat Signal must have gone off as Lita came to Miss 44 DDD aid. Out of the mass of humanity watching the going’s on, Miss Korea 2001, well disguised so she wouldn’t be recognized by more than 12,000 people, jumped the guard rail and then Lita. If Joey Styles were at the mic, we would have heard his favorite call, “Catfight, Catfight,” but alas we only have The Okie and The Puppy Guy. Besides a real “Catfight” would involve Francine and Beulah McGilicuddy (now Mrs. Tommy Dreamer). A Double DDT to Lita yet again. Have these girls no regard for Lita’s repaired broken neck? … for shame.
Time for yet another trip backstage, where we see SCBM continuing his stroll. He reached his destination … The Over-The-Hill-Kid’s locker. He tried to find the words to ask The Kid to be the fifth man on his Team. The Kid didn’t make it easy for him. What’s wrong with this picture: SCBM asking anybody for anything? He seems to have forgotten his motto, Don’t Trust Anyone (DTA). SCBM finally uttered the magic words, “I need you.” The Kid consulted the only power he thinks is bigger than he is, before he agreed to play for SCBM’s Team. I thought I saw the sky open up and a bright light shine as The Kid spoke.
More backstage fun. This time poor Lita was being worked on by a trainer. I know the man is fully qualified to check fused vertebrae or else The WWE wouldn’t employ him. Christiani came over to check on her. He let out a loud sigh of relief when she gave him the thumbs up, or was it the middle finger. Note to Christiani: Matthew Hardy isn’t going to be real pleased when he finds out you’ve been sniffing around Lita.
Time for our second match (third if you count the Ladies disagreement). It’s The Most Useless POS (other than Booger T), The Snowman’s AH buddy, Maven v. NITRO II’s answer to Godzilla, Batista. Maven, just being in the same Zip Code as Batista shows how much pull Snowman has. I understand they measured Batista to see how wide his shoulders are and needed two tape measures. Batista was accompanied by his grandfather, Slick Ric, who can stand behind Batista and not be seen … other than his belly. Our fearless announcers reminded us that Batista destroyed $oldberg’s ankle last week (a sure clue we would see them get together sometime during the program). I would love to see them in a ‘real’ match. I suspect $oldberg would end up with many broken body parts. Batista asked Slick if he wanted a drumstick or a wing. When they blot up the remains of Maven, they might have enough left for soup. It wasn’t a pretty sight. RIP Maven.
Normally I wouldn’t give a rats as about announcements of future sites, but The Puppy Person said The Armageddon PPV in December will be held in Orlando, The City Beautiful. Now if I can only make it.
Once again, we go Backstage: This time we find Kane, The True Monster, checking out an ambulance. He may have been looking for some women and children to kill and eat. He watched a couple of wrestlers from down on the farm playing EMT’s loading a stretcher into the ambulance. If they had half a brain they’d take off for the nearest highway … and fast. Kane says The Prince will be DOA when they meet at Survivor Series (SS).
We swing over to where Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade are pumping themselves up. They will be facing arguably the best tag team of all time, The Dudley Boyz later, meaning they have finally made it (yeah, made it to another ass kicking … I see wood in their future). Since it will be a non Title Match, maybe these two will actually get a victory … get their asses kicked, but get a victory.
Match time, with Jindrak and Cade meeting The tobacco in Grandpa Dudley’s pipe, Bubba Ray and D-Von. The Fink must have taken a puff from Grandpa Dudley’s pipe as he said they were from “New York City.” He now has 15,000 Dudley’s PO’d at him and is persona non grata in Dudleyville. Bubba Ray did his arm swings, crotch grab and elbow to the skull move. That’s almost as deadly as The 3-D. Out strolled Roid Man, with Legs in tow. Every time I see her I think how lucky Testicle is. Roid Man picked her up in a Press Move (He may never wash his hand again … and may lose all his teeth when Testicle finds him. This caught Bubba’s eye, just as Bubba caught a Lariat from Cade and took the count. They beat The Dudley Boyz, as hinted above.
Time now for the most useless thing done in wrestling, “The Contract Signing.” Anyone with an IQ above Roid Man knows Contract Signings are pure horse sh*t and only used to build up the match. SCBM comes out first and wants to get the show on the road; this crap is cutting into his drinking time (which is 24/7). After SCBM jacks up the crowd, the man in black (and I don’t mean Johnny Cash) Good Old Eric (GOE) struts to the ring, Contract in hand. Before they get to the ‘signing,’ GOE proudly announces that Cowboy Orton III is his fifth man, news that stuns the sports world. This brings Orton out to remind everyone that HHH will be meeting $oldberg at SS, and will get ‘his’ Title back … either that or HHH will cry to his new wife about it. Orton, GOE, blah, blah, blah. GOE graciously reminded SCBM that he is breaking The (his anyway) Prime Directive, DTA, by allowing five others to determine his fate. SCBM signs The Contract sight unseen (belee dat, and I gots a hunka land just nor’east a Ft. Lauderdale to sell ya). SCBM worked the crowd a little more, getting a couple of “Hell Yeah’s” that GOE sucks, followed by a new World Record of One-Finger Salutes (12,000 give or take a few … I saw a couple of people holding both hands up). The Teams are now complete.
Once again, it’s Backstage: Cleveland’s darling, SCBM is back to walking the grounds. He runs into Batista (The Manster ), who punked him out seven ways to Sunday. One has to wonder why SCBM didn’t nail The Manster since he was bumped into by him. Hell, he has Stunned others for accidently breathing on him.
Up next Val Venis, accompanied by three local Ho’s came to ringside to watch Rico, along with Jackie Gayda, another refugee from (Not Quite) Tough Enough face Lance “The Fun Guy” Storm. The heavy breathing people heard during the match was from The Puppy Meister. The Okie didn’t want to know where his hands were. He did come up with “Rico The Freako,” which about says it all, and justifies his salary for the night. As hard as Jackie tries, she would still look ugly after a three day old hangover. Compared to Val’s Ho’s, she was a Doberman. Methinks Rico would be better off working the Ultimate Fighting Circuit than The WWE, where he is going nowhere, double time. Fun Guy won with a Canadian Reverse Upside-Down, Inside-Out, Backwards Flip in The Tuck Position. Val brings his Ho’s into the to dance with Fun Guy. This is the closest he has come to female companionship since High School, and it showed. This proved Val wasted his time doing anything else other then playing Pimp Daddy.
What do you know, it’s Backstage yet again. Delicious Trish is getting ready for her match. Jockstrap enters the picture with his tongue hanging down to the floor. He wants to be sure she is comfortable teaming up with that new doophus, John Humperdink, or whatever. If I were him, that is not what I’d be asking her. She stopped him in his tracks when she told him she felt safe, and had even seen Little Johnny. Jockstrap almost swallowed his gum. We will be spending the next couple of weeks trying to figure out what/who Little Johnny is. If she wants, I’ll be happy to not only show her Little Jerry, but let her hold it.
It’s match time once again. It’s a mixed Tag Team affair with Mr. & Mrs. Nut Jobs, Sicko Stevie and Vicious Vicky v. Delicious Trish and Big (and Little)? Johnny Humpingdork. The Rules are simple: Boy v. Boy, Girl v. Girl and no Boy v. Girl. Only problem is the Nut Jobs don’t play by the Rules. As expected, Trish does her Hot-acurana, along with her Back Bridge (which has got to be a winner in private). Jockstrap watched the match on a screen backstage. He was hoping to get a glimpse of Little Johnny (maybe he should ask Bradshaw, a reputed ‘expert’ in the field). HumpingAndPumping(.Com) pinned Stevie after something that was almost n F-5, but not quite; looked like a version of a Side Slam, but wasn’t; etc. I am sure in the weeks ahead, HumptyDumpty will let us know what he calls it. Vicky wasn’t too happy with Stevie, so he may spend the night in his straight jacket alone.
Here’s a surprise: Backstage yet another time. The Crotch has decided to interview SCBM, proving that his mother did in fact raise a dummy. SCBM says he is going to be ‘Special Enforcer’ for the Main Event. Quiz time to see if you were paying attention: Who is in the Main Event? If you said The Kid and Strong Odor Man, you win two tickets to Wrestlemania … Wrestlemania IV. He warned The Crotch that if he showed his ugly face, the “I Can’t Kick your Ass Rule” is null and void. What a guy.
More behind the scenes stuff. Everybody’s flunky, Sgt. Slaughter, finds The Monster and delivers a note from The Prince. The Sarge deserves a medal for having the skins to approach The Monster. Kane smiles thru his ugliness and says, “Anytime, Anywhere.” On second thought, take that medal away from The Sarge, The Monster only rapes the women, and kills and eats the children.
Main Event time. A check of the clock and you just know that there will be more action after the match is over. It’s The Kid v. Odorific Guy, with Teddy “Hang The White Devils” Long. SCBM is at ringside as ‘Special Enforcer.’ If The Kid loses this match, I’m switching to The Food Channel on Monday Nights … not really, does the word ‘football’ mean anything to you? The kid is working on Strong Guy’s legs, trying to bring him down … and hopefully not be under him when he lands. Teddy interferes, so SCBM banishes him from ringside. Not being as dumb as Strong Guy, he high tails it out of Dodge. Strong Guy puts on a series of Bear Hugs, which would kill a real bear, but The Kid hangs tough. For those of you that still don’t get it, if he really applied pressure on The Kid, we would have seen The Kid’s lunch come up, followed by his stomach and other vital organs. Did I happen to mention Sweet Chin Music? No, OK, I am now. The Kid planted it on Odor Guy and it was beddie bye time. The Kid wins.
The match is over and it’s only 10:56 PM. Hmmm … SCBM gets into the ring and calls The Manster out. After some time (including a commercial), out come Batista. Mind you, The Kid has left, but Odor Man has rolled out to the floor and is smelling up the mat.
SCBM and Batista go at each other, and Batista is sent to the floor. Odor Man wakes up and gets into the ring (some guys just don’t know when to quit). He is greeted with a Stunner. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed and sweat all over the furniture. Batista reenters and takes charge. It’s now 11:02 PM. We still have a few minutes. What ever shall we do?
Out comes the man who won his first 12, 765 matches (not counting the loss in his debut Dark Match to Hector Guerrero). Note: Because of this win, even though no one knows about it, Grandma Guerrero gives him an extra Taco at Sunday dinner. But I digress, Okie got himself wet telling us that Batista is bigger than $oldberg, and how he shattered $oldie’s ankle two weeks ago. $oldie must really be a Super Human, being able to walk so soon after such a horrific injury. On his way to the ring, $oldie introduced Odor Man’s head to an Acme Steel Chair, putting him back to sleep. He Speared Batista and put his ankle in the chair, preparing to cripple him. Slick came in and took a Spear. Batista left and SCBM got in the ring. I needed a Scorecard to see who was Eligible and who was not. SCBM grabbed a brew and offered $oldie one. $oldie looked more like he wanted to Spear SCBM than drink with him. $oldie said he’d drink with him, but only if he gave him a match with Batista next week. Easy enough; so let it be written, so let it be done. Here Ii went and said he was NITRO II’s answer to Godzilla, and Batista is going to job to Super-Duperman. What Bullsh*t! They drank (or rather spilled) a bunch of Steveweisers.
So ends another Chapter in the saga that is The WWE. Since Joe Schmo is gone, off we went to some other piece of monkey crap on Spike TV.
Wow, we are a bit long in the tooth already.
Let’s get to the plugs then. For those of you that emailed, Smackdown Rage was indeed written and you can view it here – HERE I SAY! I was late in writing it this week because I got preempted by a basketball game. So, check it out.
This week was a good one for those of you that like columns. Joe Balrog got his type-on with a new Babbling entitled: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Read that bad boy. Eddie came back strong with another of his great News & Analysis columns. Read it. Chris Vining was back with How WCW Saved the WWE (Part 2). A must read. And Rico Sparko was back, writing a very enjoyable piece called How Do They Do That?
The Balrog’s Lair is your home for wrestling.
I gotta go to dinner now.
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