“ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE”
“BIG LAZY GETS A NEW DO”
“RVD ATTENDS A BBQ – HIS”
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Writing a review of the weekly shows is a lot like another business: As renown businessman Michael Corleone said, “Just when I think I’m out of it, I get pulled back in again.” I think I’m safe until I read my E-mails late Tuesday or early Wednesday asking where is this weeks NITRO II review. It seems like some of you people are gluttons for punishment. To keep the gluttons among you happy (and more likely to bore the crap out of most of you), here is this weeks NITRO II Review.
Good Old JR and The King were at the controls. Farewell to The Coach. A minute of silence would be appropriate. Hell No! Maybe they’ll ship his sorry ass down to one of the farms.
What better way to open NITRO II than with Y2Jackoff’s High Light Reel? How about a poke in the eye with a sharp stick! Let’s think about this; Sunday is SummerSlam. Do you suppose he will have one/some of his opponents in an Elimination Chamber Match as his guests? Shows you how smart we are (I know you knew also), as he brings The Over-The-Hill-Kid out. I swear someone is bribing the guards at The Shady Acres Rest Home For Very Old and Over The Hill Wresters so they can get out every Monday Night. Shows what happens when you don’t use an Acme Corporation subsidiary for the job. But I digress, Jackoff does an exit stage left and Evolution takes over. Hmmmm, HHH and “Randy” Randy Randy are also in the Chamber Match. Slick Ric is with them for comedy relief.
The Kid has to know he’s in for an ass kicking, but if he left we would either have to listen to HHH again tell us he is the center of the solar system, or watch Slick do a strip tease and show us the flab. Figuring getting his ass kicked was the lesser of the three evils, the Kid stays and takes it. He also knows there are a couple of other Chamberees backstage to save him. By my count, there’s Big Lazy, $oldberg, Mighty Mouse, Popeye and Stripperella (my personal choice). Big Lazy (who be facing Jackoff later in a Golden Locks v. Golden Locks Match) races to the ring (I timed him at 1 minute and 46 seconds on the ramp – a new personal record). Seeing Big Lazy was out of breath after his 25 yard dash, $oldberg races down and pulls a Superman, defeating Evolution single headedly. One little problem: either HHH is faster than $uperman or smarter than him. He saw The Most Devastating Move In All Of Wrestling coming … $oldberg’s Spear (heck, without The Spear, he would never get to use his other move (his only other move), The Jackhammer. Big Lazy felt the full impact of $oldberg’s mighty move. Could this have been by design? We may never know … or care.
At this point I’ll let you in on the latest Bradshaw News. Why Now? Big Lazy (in preparation for his Barber’s Dream Match) is now a blonde. Seems like Bradshaw has started a trend … and I don’t mean the hair. Apparently Bradshaw was so taken by Big Lazy’s new do that he had to restrained when he saw it. He called Big Lazy after NITRO II to invite him to join the boys for tea at his Wednesday sewing circle.
Time for our first match (without a match or to, Spike TV suits might think they were watching Ren and Stempy). Delicious Trish v. Lard Ass Molly (C) for The (coveted) Ladies Title. The previously sweet Gail Kim, before being bitten by a horny Stempy, was having none of this. She was an equal opportunity disrupter, nail Delicious and Lard Ass. Do you smell what the frothing at the mouth bitten one is cooking? Can you say “Three Way Dance?”
HHH and his flunkies are backstage discussing where their post-show party should be. Shame on you HHH; what will The Princess think about such activities? Stone Cold Party Pooper (SCPP) interrupted the strategy session and put their plans on hold; he said “Randy” Randy will be facing $oldberg later in the show, and he will be Special Enforcer for the match. HHH and Slickie were so scared that they shook in their boots. Either that or that had to take a potty break and the camera was still rolling.
Here comes The Prince. He had words for Good Old Eric (GOE) and the (WWE created) Monster, Kane. He brought out a can of flammable liquid, suggesting he planned to serve Roast Leg of Monster for dinner.
More charisma training for The Boring Canadian Guy by The Golden Gay Guy. Do you suppose The Boring Canadian Guy will come out of this with a speech impediment?
A visit to The Empress at her mansion was next. She was reading and playing with her computer (why wasn’t she watching NITRO II)? She is recuperating from the “monstrous” Tombstone from The Monster. I checked the tape of it again and The Monster’s knees still hit the floor 10 minutes before she did. Maybe it was the vibrations that got her.
Next up was Test v. Roid Man, with Legs “services” going to the winner. Things didn’t look good for Test as he hurt one of his knees in a failed Big Boot. Ever the sportsman, Roid Boy backed off and allowed the referee to check on poor Test. Nobody ever accused Roid Boy of being real smart, and if they did, there would be no evidence to convict him. Test was playing possum (a clever ruse never before used in the history of wrestling), got up and blasted Roid Boy, then pinned him to win Legs (who cares about the match)? He led her off to a life of indentured servitude, as millions of men wished they were in his place.
Out came our beloved French Heroes. If you look that up in your dictionary, it is defined as: (a) Soldiers with new weapons, never fired, dropped only once; (b) Soldiers able to wave a White Flag before they are overrun. Chirac and DeGaulle announce they have killed The Dudley Boyz. At this point Great Grandpa Dudley jumped out of his recliner and shot the TV. Grandpa Dudley grabbed his rifle and was headed towards the door when I plugged in a different TV and convinced him they were full of frog legs. Our French Heroes said they would repeat the killing at SummerSlam. What needs killing is this never ending, no heat, and boring feud.
Our French Heroes found a member of our navy in the crowd and slapped him around. You’ll never guess who came out next. If you said The Road Warriors or The Spike TV Connection (Ren and Stripperella), you’d be wrong It was the “dead” Dudley Boyz. The brought our sailor into the ring to lead a chant of “USA, USA …” Damn, the sailor was a plant. I was shocked at this turn of events. He nailed The Boyz with pole from The American Flag they handed him. Great Grandpa Dudley destroyed another TV and Grandpa Dudley made it to his truck before we stopped him. The plant covered The Boyz with the flag. It appears like The Boyz will need three Acme Tables at SummerSlam. There are plenty of empty plots at The Dudleyville Cemetery for these three Heroes.
Time For The Golden Locks v. Golden Locks Match. It was set to follow a long commercial to give Big Lazy time to get to the ring. Since I knew that Lazy has signed for a part in the movie that requires him to get rid of his golden tresses, I knew how the match would turn out. I understand he has a deal with the same people that bought Rapunzel’s (ask any 10 year old) hair. Jackoff nails Lazy with brass knuckles, pinned him and out came the scissors. A few clips and Lazy was shorn. While they didn’t show, mainly because Spike TV has some semblance of decency, Bradshaw was drooling as he watched. Jackoff carried off his trophy, prancing all the way. Careful Jackoff, prancing can lead to other things. The rest of Lazy’s Locks were cut backstage, leaving him with a 1960’s looking crew cut.
Off to a clip taken before they went on. Super Hero In Training (SHIT) Rosalie and The Green Slime Machine were helping a little girl get her cat out of a tree (If they used a woman, would it have been appropriate to say “get her pussy out of a tree”?) You have to start small when you want to become a true Super Hero. Super Rosalie didn’t do very well with the cat. Today’s effort didn’t bring him any closer to getting Super Hero stripes. Take heart big guy, there’s always tomorrow and always someone in need of a Super Hero’s help. As is said when a true Super Hero leaves, “Up, Up and Away …” Watch out for those power lines. Eeew, that is not a pretty sight. One step forward, three steps backward.
After CPR by the local Rescue Squad, Super Rosalie faced every white mans friend, Rodney “I hate you muthers” Mack. Tomorrow’s headline in The Super Hero Gazette will read: “SHIT Falls On Muther Hater.”
Back to The Palace and The Empress for an update on her horrific injury (See Above). A ring at the door and she has a visitor. Could it be The Monster back to finish the job? Nah, just GOE on a brown nosing expedition. He proclaimed his love for old ladies, and tried to lay a lip lock on her. You could read her mind, “Where are the palace guards when you need them?”
Back to the scene of the crime and The Prince is boosting a car. The guys a millionaire and he has steal a set of wheels?
Next up is Christian, The Canadian Asshole (C) v. RVD for The Intercontinental Title. Guess who F’d things up? If it took you this long to say The Monster, go back to watching Oprah. Another match lost to “Outside Interference.” By my count (unofficial, of course), 62.7% of all matches end this way.
We switch backstage and find Test playing Manager/Pimp? for Legs. He has her dancing for Dumbass Stevie and Rico. Rico? Rico is a charter member in Bradshaw’s Club For Men. WTF is he doing watching a fox like Legs. Can he playing for both teams? As for Dumbass, he best hope Victoria didn’t see him. If she did, his ass is grass and she’s a lawn mower.
We next see RVD hanging around … by a set of handcuffs. The Monster drenched him with a can of his favorite flammable liquid and struck a slew of matches before he got one to light. RVD was inches from becoming a torch … if you believe The Monster poured other than water on him, even Oprah doesn’t want you to watch.
Main Event time. $oldberg v. “Randy” Randy. Spear, Jackhammer, been there, done that, yawn. However, it was with the aid of Our Special Enforcer, SCPP, that he won the match. He worked over Flabby and did a number on Randy. Since this is the last NITRO II before SummerSlam, you just knew we would have a crowded ring soon. HHH was first, trying to scare $oldberg with The Big Stare. Next down was Big Lazy (he started down during the RVD Roast) and bam, bash, boom, he clobbered $oldberg, possibly payback for The Spear he took earlier. As HHH headed home, The Over-The-Hill-Kid nailed him with Sweet Chin Music. He almost fell off the ramp doing so as he had to let go of his walker to make the kick. The Kid and Lazy exchanged loving glances. Jackoff made the night complete by nailing The Kid with an Acme Steel Chair, and telling Lazy he was “The Champion.” Fade to black.