By Michael Blaszkowski
Disclaimer: Being that the column is called News and Spoofs, don’t go runnin’ off to your asshole friends and telling them that “I heard Stephanie has a rheumatism” or something, because this is all a joke. If you believe any of the tripe I’m sellin’ here, you need to get your head examined, and not in the cool, sexual way. Besides, it’s April 1st, do you think you should believe ANYTHING you read today?
Welcome fellow con artists and jack-offs, its time for the “Happy Go Lucky, Kill Your Best Buddy” hour! I’m your devious and deceitful host Michael Blaszkowski, and I have something to get out of the way before we get started. April Fools. There, now that that garbage is over with, let’s get to some spoofs! You got your goggles on? Then let us be with the rocking, MotherTrucka’!
TBL Top Story
Bill Goldberg may be the second coming of Christ!
Known ’round the world as the knock off version of Austin, Bill Goldberg (real name: William H. Macy Goldberg) is now the lead candidate for position of the Messiah. His qualifications for the job include being Jewish and hating Canadians, just like the first Jesus!
His super-human powers have only begun to manifest themselves, but they include the ability to turn brains into mush, the ability to turn good wrestling into crap, and the ability to beat up the devil, i.e. Hulk Hogan. So what did “Da’ Man” have to say about this?
Goldberg: “Why didn’t John Cena’s rap battle with Fabolous occur at WrestleMania?”
My thoughts exactly Bill, my thoughts exactly.
Our coverage of our story continues as our Spanish announce team of Adam Gorzelsky and Doktor Trevor Hunnicutt are live at the scene of Goldberg’s latest miracle. Adam?
Adam: “This is Adam Gorzelsky live from Omaha, Nebraska, U.S.S.R., where Bill Goldberg…”
Trevor: “That’s GodBerg now, Adam!”
Adam: “uh…right. GodBerg. Well, the Jesuskind has healed a small boy, merely with the power of his hands.”
Trevor: “Apparently, the boy had a problem with the fact that he could think straight and perform normal activities, so GodBerg when outside and built him a true-to-life wrestling ring, complete with carnies and fat wrestling chick fans screaming “Go Hardyz!” and hooting like hyenas.”
Adam: “And you’ll never guess what happened next Mike!”
Goldberg kicked the kid in the face off an Irish Whip, giving him a concussion that eliminated any chance at a normal life and made him even more bitter then he already was?
Adam: “You got it! Isn’t GodBerg a nice guy?”
Adam: “Nice: adjective, 1) a term for someone who is kind to others, 2) someone who is pleasing to be around, 3) some…”
And that’s it for Adam Gorzelsky and Trevor Hunnicutt! Everyone give them a round of applause. And next in our continuing coverage of the Golden One himself, we bring you a special report from C.R. – Chris Reynolds. Chris?
Chris? Chris, are you there? Quick, someone go check on Chris! Eddie, quit poking Martin’s dead body with that stick and go find Chris! *ahem* While we wait for Eddie, let’s check in with TBL weather and our own weather girl Josh Luce. Josh?
Luce: “Today will be party cloudy, with a 99% chance of some fuggin’ idiot saying “did you hear it’s raining?” even though its not, just waiting for you to go run and check, proclaiming “it’s April Fools!” and shit.”
Eddie: “Hey! I made an April Fools joke, and people even laughed! Why do you have to be a downer on my fun!”
Luce: “YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DOWNERS! *pops some pills* SCREW YOU AND YOUR JUDGMENTS! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”
Eddie: “Man, I didn’t know…”
Luce: “YEAH, WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW!? I BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW I HAVE WOMEN PARTS, TOO! DID YOU!? *sobs* Do you know how hard it is to get laid with women parts?”
Eddie: “Dude, it’s okay, they have centers for that type of thing. Ask Foz, he goes to one.”
Luce: “Really? I’ve always thought Foz was kinda hot, the confident way he stands around the TBL offices with that samurai sword over his back.”
HEY! Enough with the damn love connection here! Can anyone tell me what happened to C.R. so we can get one with this Goldberg story!?
Eddie: “Oh Chris? I found him in his green room with flesh pasted over his mouth and a metallic bug in his belly.”
Okay then, let’s just go to our last crew: Joe Balrog and Eric Butler. They’re at the scene of a protest outside of Titan Towers, orchestrated by our own Joe Balrog. Joe?
Crowd: “‘Berg is Christ, RAW is WAR, we don’t want Hogan no more! ‘Berg is Christ, RAW is WAR, we don’t want Hogan no more! (repeats in background)”
Joe: “This is Joe Balrog at the scene of a massive protest, begun by me, to stop the use of Hulk Hogan on WWE television. We believe his leathery skin is obviously cruel to animals, and that with the Lord and Savior in his company, Vince should see the light and repent for his sins.”
Eric: “My hand is stable. I don’t do cocaine. Honest.”
Joe: “Just a minute, Vince is walking out onto his office’s balcony now! Let’s see what he has to say!”
Vince: “After careful deliberation, I have decided to no longer use Hulk Hogan, as his appearance scares children young and old, and is the single leading cause of AIDS nation-wide.”
Joe: “This is great! No more Hogan! The world is rejoicing as…”
Vince: “April Fools! Hogan will instead be used on EVERY program, ALL the time, and he will be given EVERY title, starting with Brock Lesnar’s WWE Title, right here tonight!”
Lesnar: *walks out and hands Vince the belt*
Vince: “Oh, and more thing, Brock. YOU’RE FIRED!”
Joe: “Oh no, this hasn’t made Lesnar very happy! He’s…he’s…he’s got Vince up for the F5! Oh my God!”
Eric: “Wait a second! He’s carrying him over to the ledge! He’s got Vince and…and…and OH MY GOD, HE JUST F5′ed VINCE OFF THE LEDGE! Over 100ft Vince crashes to the ground! Someone call an ambulance!”
Joe: “Um…and now back to your regularly scheduled programming!”
What!? You can’t just cut away now! Someone give me back the feed! Joyce, get me feed!
J.P.: *brings Mike chicken feed*
No! You worthless…deep breaths…deep breaths…Okay. Well, as closure to this Goldberg thing, let’s go now to our resident Trivia expert, Matt Healing.
Matt: “Whazzup Mike?”
Nothing much, nothing much. So what trivia have you got for us?
Matt: “Did you know that there was a fire in the early 1900s that killed 146 people at the Triangle Shirtwaist company? They died because their managers locked them in so they couldn’t leave until closing time.”
Actually, I was kinda hoping for…
Matt: “Isn’t it fun to know history? Or at least, doesn’t it make you sick to your stomach how exploitative we’ve been in the past?”
…Kinda sick, yeah, but what can you tell me about Goldberg?
Matt: “Goldberg? What’s a Goldberg?”
And on that note, barring any other interruptions, I think it is time to be heading out…This has been Michael Blaskzowski withGAH! What the hell is that!?
Martin’s UnDead lifeless corpse: “Brains!”
Jesus, Mother, Mary and even Joseph, what the devil!? Martin’s skin has turned neon red and he keeps waving his finger at me!
Martin’s UnDead lifeless corpse: “Brains!”
Goldberg: “Did somebody call for a Messiah!?” *spears Martin* “Who’s next!?”
Eddie. Definitely Eddie. Until next time, this has been Michael Blaszkowski, saying “my kingdom for a fruitf***er t-shirt” and this News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
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